tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post267034076922324081..comments2024-03-25T15:05:05.299-03:00Comments on Progressive Comrades: A little funComrade Onehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16699361419958081444noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-32535222036395099332010-01-12T19:45:09.872-04:002010-01-12T19:45:09.872-04:00Anna one, anna two (begin music -- Lawrence Welk j...Anna one, anna two (begin music -- Lawrence Welk jamming with Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix!) . . .<br />***<br />Old Farmer's Advice:<br /><br />Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.<br /><br />Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.<br /><br />Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.<br /><br />A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.<br /><br />Words that soak into your ears are whispered . . . not yelled.<br /><br />Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.<br /><br />Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.<br /><br />Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.<br /><br />It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.<br /><br />You cannot unsay a cruel word.<br /><br />Every path has a few puddles.<br /><br />When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.<br /><br />The best sermons are lived, not preached.<br /><br />Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.<br /><br />Don't judge folks by their relatives.<br /><br />Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.<br /><br />Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.<br /><br />Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.<br /><br />Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.<br /><br />If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.<br /><br />Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.<br /><br />The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.<br /><br />Always drink upstream from the herd.<br /><br />Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.<br /><br />Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.<br /><br />If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.<br /><br />Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. <br />Speak kindly.<br /><br />Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.<br /><br />And some days, all you can do is smile and wait until some kind soul comes to help you out of the mess you've gotten yourself in!<br />***<br />. . . l8r, g8ors! . . .I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-72401162011767496372010-01-11T19:09:45.947-04:002010-01-11T19:09:45.947-04:00Slightly wacko today. A redneck Christmas . . .
h...Slightly wacko today. A redneck Christmas . . .<br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6Ht0KXpZ6c&feature=related<br />***<br />1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?<br />Unique Up On It.<br /><br />2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?<br />Tame Way.<br /><br />3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?<br />They Take The Psychopath.<br /><br />4. How Do You Get Holy Water?<br />You Boil The Hell Out Of It.<br /><br />5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?<br />Dam!<br /><br />6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?<br />Polaroids<br /><br />7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?<br />A Stick<br /><br />8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.<br /><br />9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?<br />Subordinate Clauses.<br /><br />10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?<br />Quatro Cinco.<br /><br />11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?<br />Spoiled Milk.<br /><br />12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?<br />Frostbite.<br /><br />13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?<br />A Nervous Wreck.<br /><br />14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?<br />Anyone Can Roast Beef.<br /><br />15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?<br />Right Where You Left Him.<br /><br />16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?<br />Because They Have Big Fingers .<br /><br />17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?<br />Because It Scares The Dog.<br /><br />18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?<br />Sanka.<br /><br />19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!<br />The Location Of The Dirt Bag.<br /><br />20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?<br />Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.<br /><br />21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?<br />A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!<br />A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.<br /><br />22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?<br />Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer<br />***<br />Mercy! Until whenever . . .I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-57431310836553928152010-01-10T23:06:24.685-04:002010-01-10T23:06:24.685-04:00Not really jokes today. Check them out.
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1926 S...Not really jokes today. Check them out.<br />***<br />1926 Snow Tractor<br /><br />This is a rare video of an invention that never went very far. Wait until you see the automobile version -- it is all on here.<br /><br />1926 Snow Tractor. Talk about ingenuity! This is a 1926 silent film (on video) of a tractor-snow-machine invented by Henry Ford, shown here driving it.<br /><br />Watch the whole thing. Note the "hat."<br /><br />http://forum.treasurenet.com/index.php/topic,213971.0/topicseen.html><br /><br />http://forum.treasurenet.com/index.php/topic,213971.0/topicseen.html<br /><br />Our modern snowmobiles are far better but Henry's machine is pretty clever for the time.<br />***<br />Hello, boss, I cannot come in to work today. <br />There was a moose born on my front lawn and the mom won't let me out of the house!<br /><br />Naubinway, MI, is about 40 miles west of the Mackinaw bridge in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.<br /><br />Baby Moose 12 Hours Old -- Born in the middle of downtown Naubinway, Michigan.<br /><br />In my 33 years in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, I have never seen a new-born baby moose. This one was not even a half mile from our house. The mother picked a small, quiet neighborhood, and had her baby in a front yard just off of US 2, at 5:30 a.m.<br /><br />Allen and I were out bike riding when we came upon the pair. The lady across the street from this house told us she saw it being born.<br /><br />We saw them at 5:30 PM. So the little one was 12 hours old. What an awesome place we live in to see such a sight.<br /><br />Makes it really tough to use your front door!<br />***<br />Pity the pix can't be shown. Never mind.<br /><br />2mrow!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-88985459257215711582010-01-08T21:14:51.975-04:002010-01-08T21:14:51.975-04:00Back To The Future or Future Shock To The Side (da...Back To The Future or Future Shock To The Side (damn I'm smart!) . . .<br />***<br />Y'all are gonna luv theses!<br /><br />The Perceptions Of Children<br /><br />1) NUDITY<br /><br />I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.<br /><br />She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'<br /><br />2) KETCHUP<br /><br />A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.<br /><br />'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'<br /><br />3) MORE NUDITY<br /><br />A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.<br /><br />The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'<br /><br />4) POLICE #1<br /><br />While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,<br /><br />'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.<br /><br />'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'<br /><br />5) POLICE #2<br /><br />It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.<br /><br />'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied.<br /><br />Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'<br /><br />6) ELDERLY<br /><br />While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.<br /><br />She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.<br /><br />One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'<br /><br />7) DRESS-UP<br /><br />A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'<br /><br />'And why not, darling?'<br /><br />'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'<br /><br />8) DEATH<br /><br />While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard a prayer being made that nearly made his collar wilt.<br /><br />Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.<br /><br />The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with serious dignity gave his version of what he thought his father always said:<br /><br />'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'<br /><br />(I want this line used at my funeral!) <br /><br />9) BIBLE<br /><br />A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.<br /><br />He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.<br /><br />'Mama , look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'<br /><br />With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'<br />***<br />B bak l8r!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-32266183543164695242010-01-07T23:29:59.736-04:002010-01-07T23:29:59.736-04:00Thought I wuz dead and gone, eh? We've been di...Thought I wuz dead and gone, eh? We've been digging out from under two cms. of snow this week, and it was brutal.<br /><br />The local whorehouses had to shut up shop, people were taken (in groups) to mental health facilities, as they hadn't seen this much snow in at least a fortnight. Deep and ongoing therapy is required.<br /><br />Someone even mentioned the term 'snow shovel', but no one knew what they were talking about.<br /><br />Never, ever again. God help us if three or more inches ever falls in one sitting. It would be nothing short of a catastrophy!<br />***<br />INTERNET WARNING<br />If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Rita McNeil," don't open it . . .<br /><br />It contains a nude photo of Rita McNeill.I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-40968823699281193102010-01-03T23:31:42.546-04:002010-01-03T23:31:42.546-04:00Does anyone here notice that Climate Change, Globa...Does anyone here notice that Climate Change, Global Warming, Global Cooling and Global Hoaxing are not the main topics of discussion in the Maritimes and the UK?<br /><br />Try a distinct lack of sunspot activity for two years or so, plus the sun itself will have retreated in a few years.<br /><br />However, back to the Joke-A-Thong. First is a 41 second clip of resting on a car after jogging. The results vary from erson to person . . .<br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS8GNWensHc<br />***<br />Neologism Contest<br /> <br />Once again, we publish the winning submissions to the yearly neologism contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.<br /><br />The winners are:<br /><br />1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.<br /><br />2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.<br /><br />3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.<br /><br />4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.<br /><br />5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.<br /><br />6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.<br /><br />7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.<br /><br />8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.<br /><br />9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.<br /><br />10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.<br /><br />11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.<br /><br />12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.<br /><br />13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.<br /><br />14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.<br /><br />15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.<br /><br />16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.<br /><br />PLUS<br /><br />The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:<br /><br />1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.<br /><br />2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.<br /><br />3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.<br /><br />4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.<br /><br />5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.<br /><br />6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee ntravenously when you are running late.<br /><br />7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.<br /><br />8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)<br /><br />9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.<br /><br />10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.<br /><br />11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.<br /><br />12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.<br /><br />13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.<br /><br />14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.<br /><br />15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.<br /><br />And the pick of the literature:<br /><br />16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.<br />***<br />U get the driftwood . . .I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-56262447632862648012010-01-02T23:28:27.251-04:002010-01-02T23:28:27.251-04:00Greetings From The Great White North! To continue ...Greetings From The Great White North! To continue . . .<br />***<br />An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.<br /><br />He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"<br /><br />"Just water," says the priest.<br /><br />The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"<br /><br />The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"<br />***<br />Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one -- just had another fight with the little woman."<br /><br />"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"<br /><br />"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."<br /><br />"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"<br /><br />She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."<br />***<br />This just in:<br /><br />Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!<br />***<br />Out of interest, now that Climategate has been proven to be a total sham (the planet is getting colder, not warmer) what happens to the Oscar St. Gal of the Oreos won? Some Hollywood types have called on him to return it, but nothing forthcoming.<br /><br />And what of Obama's health care bill? It will cost the US economy billions to implement, and NOTHING is guaranteed by it.<br /><br />Do I sense the global elite are well on their way to bankrupting the US, Canada and Mexico deliberately?<br /><br />Someone somewhere is gonna make a very handsome profit off this, all at others' suffering.<br /><br />Way of the world, I guess.I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-29273549594561571312010-01-01T18:36:17.155-04:002010-01-01T18:36:17.155-04:00Happy New Year and all that!
Now a brain-teaser, ...Happy New Year and all that!<br /><br />Now a brain-teaser, an amazingly difficult question to answer (so the answer is provided to spare headaches, etc.):<br />***<br />Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "Congratulations!"<br /><br />But none of them rub your dick and say, "Well Done!!!"<br />***<br />Ooohhhh that was hard, so now for something a little easier . . .<br /><br />Paddy was in New York, and was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.<br /><br />The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.<br /><br />He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.<br /><br />After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"<br />***<br />Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.<br /><br />"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"<br /><br />"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"<br />***<br />TTFN!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-69246448958605694812009-12-30T20:43:08.031-04:002009-12-30T20:43:08.031-04:00On a more serious note . . .
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The POSITIVE resu...On a more serious note . . .<br />***<br />The POSITIVE results of "Cash for Clunkers":<br /> <br />It’s taken 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road . . .<br />***<br />Retirement, A Topic Dear To Our Hearts . . .<br /><br />Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.<br /><br />Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes.<br /><br />When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'<br /><br />He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.<br /><br />So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.<br /><br />This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. <br />Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.<br /><br />We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.<br />***<br />Movin' ahead . . .I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-82880519240393014942009-12-29T20:06:46.492-04:002009-12-29T20:06:46.492-04:00How Not To Get Drunk In Saskatchewan . . .
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Rec...How Not To Get Drunk In Saskatchewan . . .<br />***<br />Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Estevan, Saskatchewan.<br /><br />After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.<br /><br />After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. <br /><br />He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.<br /><br />A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.<br /><br />Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.<br /><br />He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.<br /><br />At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.<br /><br />The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over.<br /><br />He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!<br /><br />Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.<br /><br />This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."<br />"I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie,<br />"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."<br />***<br />ONLY IN CANADA, EH?<br /><br />Swimming with polar bears -- there's a place in the world where children can swim among polar bears.<br /><br />Since July 2004, in the little town of Cochrane, northern Ontario, you can visit the Polar Bear Habitat.<br /><br />It's a kind of local zoo where people can live the once-in-a-lifetime experience of an outdoor swim with polar bears.<br /><br />Of course, the humans are in a different pool, separated from the bears' habitat by just a layer of glass.<br /><br />Can you see the water drops now?<br /><br />There's a bullet proof, shatterproof glass that's almost 9 cm. thick, because although they're cute, polar bears are among the world's most ferocious carnivores.<br /><br />It took 20 years for the Polar Bear Conservation and Education Habitat and <br />Heritage Village to get off the ground.<br /><br />When it opened it attracted some 11,000 visitors in the first six months.<br /><br />You're invited to go and swim with all those bears if you dare!<br />***<br />Couldn't post the pix of the kiddies, but it sure is an eye-opener!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-60763306191539826992009-12-28T22:16:16.324-04:002009-12-28T22:16:16.324-04:00Following on from yesterday . . .
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My wife and ...Following on from yesterday . . .<br />***<br />My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.<br /><br />My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'<br /><br />'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'<br /><br />'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'<br /><br />And then the fight started.<br />*****<br />I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.<br /><br />"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."<br /><br />He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"<br /><br />"Nah, she can order for herself."<br /><br />And then the fight started.<br />***<br />A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.<br /><br />She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'<br /><br />The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'<br /><br />And then the fight started.<br />***<br />A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.<br /><br />Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.<br /><br />She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'<br /><br />The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'<br /><br />The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! -- two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.<br /><br />The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again . . .<br /><br />'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' <br /><br />The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.<br /><br />So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! -- the husband became 92 years old.<br /><br />The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember . . . fairies are female.<br /><br />SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH, AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!<br />***<br />2 B cont'd . . .I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-77796883268490367522009-12-27T23:09:37.738-04:002009-12-27T23:09:37.738-04:00Now back to our regularly scheduled programming . ...Now back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .<br />***<br />And then the fight started<br /><br />My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.<br /><br />She asked, 'What's on TV?'<br /><br />I said, 'Dust.'<br /><br />And then the fight started.<br />*****<br />My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.<br /><br />I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"<br /><br />"No," she answered.<br /><br />I then said, "Is that your final answer?"<br /><br />She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."<br /><br />So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."<br /><br />And then the fight started.<br />*****<br />Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.<br /><br />I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.<br /><br />The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.<br /><br />I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."<br /><br />My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"<br /><br />And that's how the fight started.<br />*****<br />I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.<br /><br />You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it . . . he was a DWARF!<br /><br />He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"<br /><br />So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"<br /><br />And then the fight started.<br />*****<br />My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.<br /><br />She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'<br /><br />I bought her a scale.<br /><br />And then the fight started.<br />*****<br />When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive, so I took her to a gas station.<br /><br />And then the fight started.<br />*****<br />After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.<br /><br />I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.<br /><br />I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.<br /><br />The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.<br /><br />She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.<br /><br />When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.<br /><br />She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'<br /><br />And then the fight started.<br />***<br />Further info. 2morrow!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-48488500871684905992009-12-27T01:20:50.772-04:002009-12-27T01:20:50.772-04:00Off topic, but these are the Top 10 Zionist contro...Off topic, but these are the Top 10 Zionist controlled operations in Canada.<br /><br />Canada has not been sold to US interests, it's turned into a fascist state.<br /><br />Visit rense.com for further details. Harper will almost certainly get a majority in the next election.<br /><br />http://ziofascism.net/blog/2009/12/top-10-zionist-control-in-canada/I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-82453099194645584852009-12-26T21:12:29.117-04:002009-12-26T21:12:29.117-04:00A few, difficult brain teasers to contemplate on (...A few, difficult brain teasers to contemplate on (should keep us tied up for decades to come!) . . .<br />***<br />How Observant Are You?<br /><br />http://www.oldjoeblack.0nyx.com/thinktst.swf<br />***<br />1:19 clip of 3D Murals by Josh Pugh. One has to see this to believe it!<br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnO-HBZBYtg<br />***<br />2morrow, K?I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-45824877076788568422009-12-25T20:22:22.438-04:002009-12-25T20:22:22.438-04:00A politically incorrect joke, somewhat off the wal...A politically incorrect joke, somewhat off the wall . . .<br />***<br />The Frog and Golf<br /><br />A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.<br /><br />He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'<br /><br />The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.<br /><br />Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'<br /><br />He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.<br /><br />Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup and is shocked.<br /><br />He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?'<br /><br />The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'<br /><br />The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.<br /><br />'What do you think frog?' the man asks.<br /><br />'Ribbit 3 wood.'<br /><br />The guy takes out a 3 wood and -- Boom! -- Hole in one.<br /><br />The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.<br /><br />By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,<br /><br />'OK where to next?' The frog replies,<br /><br />'Ribbit Las Vegas.'<br /><br />'They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,<br /><br />'OK frog, now what?'<br /><br />The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'<br /><br />Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,<br /><br />'What do you think I should bet?'<br /><br />The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3,000 black 6.'<br /><br />Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.<br /><br />Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.<br /><br />The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.<br /><br />He sits the frog down and says,<br /><br />'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'<br /><br />The frog replies, 'Ribbit Kiss Me.'<br /><br />He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.<br /><br />With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.<br /><br />'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'<br /><br />The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.<br />***<br />There is my Christmas present to all of you (but I'm reaping the reward)!<br />***<br />Ooohhh, that hurts BIG time!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-70001484980596760292009-12-24T20:09:38.529-04:002009-12-24T20:09:38.529-04:00Are we nearly there yet? Didn't we pass Christ...Are we nearly there yet? Didn't we pass Christmas last week, and now we're in 2013? Time is flying, kiddiekins!<br />***<br />Newfie humor<br /><br />A guy from Cornerbrook, Newfoundland was driving a Beetle in Toronto, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.<br /><br />Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"<br /><br />The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."<br /><br />"I gots one too -- see?" the Newf says.<br /><br />"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."<br /><br />"You gots a fax machine?" asks the Newf.<br /><br />"Why, actually, yes, I do."<br /><br />"I does too! See? It's right here!" brags the guy from the Rock.<br /><br />The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So,does you have a double bed in back there?"<br /><br />The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"<br /><br />"Yep, gots me a double bed right in back here," the Newf replies.<br /><br />The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.<br /><br />Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car.<br /><br />About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Newfoundland Labrador plates.<br /><br />Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.<br /><br />The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.<br /><br />(It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)<br /><br />The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.<br /><br />The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"<br /><br />"Yeah, yeah, I remembers you," replies the Newfoundlander, "What's up?"<br /><br />"Check this out. I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."<br /><br />The Newf exclaims,<br /><br />"B'JEEZ B'Y, YOU GOTS ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELLS ME THAT?!"<br />***<br />More l8r!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-68232446614162164662009-12-23T19:32:57.413-04:002009-12-23T19:32:57.413-04:00Joyeux Noel et Bon Annee (a Chindiancanuckistan mi...Joyeux Noel et Bon Annee (a Chindiancanuckistan mixture, vaguely relating to Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to y'all!)<br /><br />And now back to the deadly serious stuff -- Santa wearing a bright red dominatix outfit, complete with thigh-high, black patent stiletto heels and a fluffy white beard, offset with a touch of pink. Now you know why I'm nuts and you're not!<br />***<br />Garfield on the oil crisis<br /><br />A lot of folks can't understand how we came <br />to have an oil shortage here in Canada.<br /><br />Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.<br /><br />We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. Our Oil is located in:<br /><br />ALBERTA - SASKATCHEWAN - BRITISH COLUMBIA - MANITOBA - COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK - COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND<br /><br />Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA.<br /><br />Any questions? NO? . . . Didn't think so.<br />***<br />More l8r!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-28204964323688456062009-12-22T22:09:40.234-04:002009-12-22T22:09:40.234-04:00Missed yesterday, as I was too busy sleeping. I...Missed yesterday, as I was too busy sleeping. I'll try to be consistently bad in the past and present, let alone the future!<br />***<br />Fact of Life:<br /><br />It is well-established that S S stands for Sexy Saturday and Saucy Sunday, and after a brief respite Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says -- W T F.<br />***<br />A bunch of question with no answers. Y'all can figure them out!<br /><br />Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?<br /><br />Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?<br /><br />If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?<br /><br />Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?<br /><br />Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?<br /><br />Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?<br /><br />Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?<br /><br />Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?<br /><br />Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?<br /><br />Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?<br /><br />Why is bra singular and panties plural?<br /><br />How come abbreviated is such a long word?<br /><br />Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?<br /><br />Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?<br /><br />Christmas -- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?<br /><br />Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?<br /><br />Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ?<br />***<br />I, Charlesius shall return ASAP!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-71245345347766703182009-12-20T23:55:34.885-04:002009-12-20T23:55:34.885-04:00A lament (poem, actually) for Tiger. Shed a tear ....A lament (poem, actually) for Tiger. Shed a tear . . . NOT!<br />***<br />Tiger Woods Holiday Poem<br /><br />'Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house<br /><br />Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.<br /><br />She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,<br /><br />Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.<br /><br />He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.<br /><br />Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.<br /><br />He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,<br /><br />With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.<br /><br />From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,<br /><br />Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.<br /><br />With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,<br /><br />When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.<br /><br />Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',<br /><br />Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.<br /><br />And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,<br /><br />"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."<br /><br />She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,<br /><br />Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.<br />***<br />PROBABLY NOT TRUE BUT A NICE STORY NONETHELESS!<br /><br />There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.<br /><br />One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.<br /><br />The letter read:<br /> <br />Dear God,<br /> <br />I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.<br /><br />Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.<br /><br />Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?<br /><br />Sincerely, Edna<br /><br />The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.<br /><br />By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.<br /><br />The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.<br /><br />Christmas came and went.<br /><br />A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.<br /><br />It read:<br /><br />Dear God,<br /><br />How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? <br /> <br />Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.<br /><br />By the way, there was $4 missing.<br /><br />I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.<br /><br />Sincerely, Edna<br />***<br />TTFN -- Back l8r!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-70678106064038058992009-12-19T21:14:48.337-04:002009-12-19T21:14:48.337-04:00A message of encouragement from our sponsors, then...A message of encouragement from our sponsors, then back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .<br />***<br />Dear Grim Reaper,<br /><br />So far this year, you have taken away my favorite dancer, Michael Jackson, my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite comedian, Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy Mays and my favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon.<br /><br />Just so you know, my favorite politician is Gordon Campbell.<br /><br />Thank you.<br />***<br />Excuse the caps on this one. I'm not shouting, I'm just too tired to correct it!<br /><br />A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.<br /><br />THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"<br /> <br />THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."<br /><br />"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.<br /><br />"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."<br /><br />THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.<br /><br />HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.<br /><br />THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.<br /><br />"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.<br /><br />"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.<br /><br />"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."<br /><br />"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.<br /><br />"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.<br /><br />"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL!"<br /><br />"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"<br />***<br />Whoa baby! More whenever!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-6427453216713847672009-12-18T23:10:24.310-04:002009-12-18T23:10:24.310-04:00Now back to our regularly-scheduled programming, w...Now back to our regularly-scheduled programming, with a short vignette on the premer of BC, Mr. Gordon Campbell . . .<br />***<br />Young Gordy lived in Vancouver and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.<br /><br />The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up saying, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'<br /><br />Gordy replied, ’Well, then just give me my money back.'<br /><br />The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'<br /><br />Gordy said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'<br /><br />The farmer asked, 'Wat ya gonna do with a dead donkey?'<br /><br />Gordy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'<br /><br />The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'<br /><br />Gordy said, 'Sure I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'<br /><br />A month later, the farmer met up with Gordy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'<br /><br />Gordy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and I made a profit of $998.'<br /><br />The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'<br /><br />Gordy said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back.'<br /><br />Gordy now works for the government.<br />***<br />Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"<br /><br />The man said, "I do, Father."<br /><br />The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."<br /><br />Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"<br /><br />"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.<br /><br />"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.<br /><br />Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"<br /><br />O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."<br /><br />The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"<br /><br />O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"<br />***<br />Back tomorrow for more!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-37711604673611813772009-12-17T23:06:36.066-04:002009-12-17T23:06:36.066-04:00PMSH is about to teach us how NOT to hold a rifle ...PMSH is about to teach us how NOT to hold a rifle . . .<br />***<br />The Hunter<br /><br />He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.<br /> <br />Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged . . . shooting him in the genitals.<br /><br />Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.<br /><br />'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot . . .'<br /><br />'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.<br /><br />'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'<br /><br />'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'<br /><br />'Not exactly,' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'<br />***<br />A REDNECK LOVE POEM<br /><br />SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,<br />SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.<br />SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,<br />SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.<br /><br />PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,<br />YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.<br />I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,<br />BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.<br /><br />SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE<br />AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.<br />BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,<br />HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'<br /><br />YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,<br />AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.<br />BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'<br />I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.<br /><br />BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,<br />JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.<br />MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;<br />YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.<br /> ***************************<br />(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-82072154322590717482009-12-17T01:53:38.769-04:002009-12-17T01:53:38.769-04:00And Now For Something Completely Different . . . I...And Now For Something Completely Different . . . IT'S! (another two)<br />***<br />Another of Einstein's Theories . . .<br /><br />Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today.<br /><br />Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. <br /><br />At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.<br /><br />He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.<br /><br />This came to be known as . . . Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty"<br /><br />Oh quit groaning! I don't write this stuff . . . I receive it from my warped friends (some of whom you know) and then I send it on to you.<br />***<br />FROZEN CARBURETOR<br /><br />In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room.<br /><br />On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.<br /><br />"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.<br /><br />"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.<br /><br />"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."<br /><br />"Can't."<br /><br />"OK, Watch me and I will show you."<br /><br />The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.<br /><br />A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.<br /><br />It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded . . ."<br />***<br />Back tomorrow!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-78617079338448514842009-12-16T02:20:39.182-04:002009-12-16T02:20:39.182-04:00Who put the ad in above this post? This a politica...Who put the ad in above this post? This a politically incorrect screwballs site. Advertizing. Yer gotta luv it, then ignore it.<br />***<br />Children Are Smarter Than Grownups<br /><br />I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.<br /><br />John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.<br /><br />As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'<br /><br />He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'<br /><br />I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'<br /><br />John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'<br /><br />'No,' I replied.<br /><br />'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' <br /><br />So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T<br /><br />I used to like the little shit.<br />***<br />Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"<br /><br />Miraculously, a parking place appeared.<br /><br />Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."<br />***<br />Thus endeth the lesson. Further admonitions tomorrow, unless the stock markets thruout the world crater and we are left penniless.<br /><br />Yours strangely,<br /><br />I, CharlesiusI, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5322921171545547266.post-4000421566677961762009-12-14T23:25:42.849-04:002009-12-14T23:25:42.849-04:00The Problems Associated With Global Cooling are qu...The Problems Associated With Global Cooling are quite simply:<br /><br />We're all freezing our nuts off. When is The Next Train To Hell Leaving, 'cuz I wanna be on it!<br />***<br />Why Men Have Better Friends . . .<br /><br />A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.<br /><br />The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it . . .<br /><br />A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.<br /><br />The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there!<br />***<br />True Story<br /><br />Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: I am 94 years old.<br /><br />Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.<br /><br />Defense Attorney: Did you know him?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.<br /><br />Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.<br /><br />Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.<br /><br />Defense Attorney: Why not?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.<br /><br />Defense Attorney: What happened next?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.<br /><br />Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.<br /><br />Defense Attorney: Why not?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!<br /><br />Defense Attorney: What happened next?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him<br />'Take me, young man. Take me now!'<br /><br />Defense Attorney: Did he take you?<br /><br />Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'<br /><br />'And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!<br />***<br />TAKE ME -- I'M YOURS YOU WHORE!<br /><br />Whoa baby, that was exhausting!I, Charlesiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08268692075837624448noreply@blogger.com