I suppose I should get back to posting once in a while. Given the political void Federally, there are no shortage of topics to pick that provide opportunity for a good rant.
Wot?
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The Peoples Blog
I thought it was about time I wrote a welcome to all who pass through here. This a place for people to come and talk about events, politics, social issues, share some jokes or anything else that doesn't get me in trouble. That's one thing I have always been able to manage by myself, so I don't need help. Thanks anyway.
Our welcome extends across political lines, economic philosophies, religious beliefs, cultural heritages, rivers and lakes and whatever else one might otherwise have to portage in this life. Spirited discussion is very welcome, hate based items are not. If you need to spew, there are other places that thrive on that.
Submitting ones own blog topics is encouraged, submit them to the email address below and I will post everything I can. Don't be shy, what you think matters too.
One last thing, I enjoy satire and you will find a goodly amount of that in my writings and topics, so bear that in mind as you read along. Occasionally, you might even find it amusing.
Yours truly,
Comrade One
Email: bigguy52@nb.sympatico.ca
Our welcome extends across political lines, economic philosophies, religious beliefs, cultural heritages, rivers and lakes and whatever else one might otherwise have to portage in this life. Spirited discussion is very welcome, hate based items are not. If you need to spew, there are other places that thrive on that.
Submitting ones own blog topics is encouraged, submit them to the email address below and I will post everything I can. Don't be shy, what you think matters too.
One last thing, I enjoy satire and you will find a goodly amount of that in my writings and topics, so bear that in mind as you read along. Occasionally, you might even find it amusing.
Yours truly,
Comrade One
Email: bigguy52@nb.sympatico.ca
Wouldst thou be referring to I, La Horny Honky? Ahh, c'est-la-vie or comme cie, comme ca; some Top Secret Drivel Intelligence Conspiracy Theories to assist y'all in your daily endeavours . . .
ReplyDelete***
Good advice from a friend. See below.
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Sincerely,
Tiger Woods
***
Two Chimps and A Blonde
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Why, yes I am," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll probably be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.
"They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they
went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes sir, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over -- so now we're going to Sea World."
***
Hot damn, I'm one sexy son of a gun . . . bonne nuit!
Political Pig Swill? I'll leave that to you, Comrade One!
ReplyDeleteI'm only here to pass wind, pass water and pass out! (To be continued . . .)
***
Adult Riddles
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
Oh, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.
Live long and prosper, laugh hard and love dearly!
***
Garth is good but here is better!
L8r!
Hello, good evening and welcome to my nightmare! Today's topic is . . .
ReplyDeleteBattle of the Sexes
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
****
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?'
****
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
'So, I figure if I have to roll my own . . . so does she.'
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
****
WIFE vs. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
****
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day -- 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
***
Farewell My Lovelies ('til tomorrow)! . . .
BTW, did anyone see the eclipse today? The length of time means it won't happen again for another few thousand years.
It's on whatreallyhappened.com. Scroll down till the link appears.
Aahhhmm jes' 2 dam sexee 4 my body . . .
ReplyDeleteEnuff of dat. Heads up folks, outgoing nuke! . . .
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'
The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
'God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
****
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'.
****
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
***
Now bak 2 my sexee self again . . .
This just in, and are BBAAAADDDD, so please stay close to your local Mental Health Facility . . .
ReplyDelete***
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away --
Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"
***
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She asks, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
"How often do I have to do that?"
***
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you?!"
***
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
***
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" said the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
***
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
***
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
***
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
***
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO . . ." answered the blonde . . . "they're watch dogs!"
***
Ooohhhmmaaagawd, that was dreadfully awful!
Hello, good grief and welcome! 'Tis I, La Weird One with today's missive . . .
ReplyDeleteTime Machine
Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 50 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first:
"What will the USA be like in 50 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries."
Gordon thinks, "It's not bad, this time machine. I'll have a bit of that"
So he asks: "What will Great Britain be like in 50 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.
"Come on Gordon" says Barak, "What does it say"
Gordon replies,
"I can't read it; it's all in Arabic!"
***
Another Irish Priest Down Under
An Irish priest, Father O'Malley, was transferred to Queensland Catholic Church and one morning he rose from his bed on a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church.
"There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:
"Ah, to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
***
hairy loves me, hairy loves me not, hairy loves me . . . I miss that old, rambunctious ratfart!
Time for a trip to bonnie Scotland . . .
ReplyDelete***
THE BAGPIPER
This is a beautiful story about a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.
I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,
"Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
***
A new car (no pix, description only)
This Car was designed by VW and built in China. "Another Volkswagen first".
This will beat all the low fuel consumption cars in the world!
NEW CAR -- FOR $600, New Single Seat VW
If you could go to Shanghai for a vacation, buy two or more of these cars, one for your wife and one for yourself, and one for each of your kids, have them shipped to Canada and still spend less money than if you bought a car in Canada.
Getting the car(s)into USA , still an ordeal.
This is not a toy, not a concept car. It is a newly developed single seat car in highly aerodynamic tear-shape road-proven real car.
It is ready to be launched as a single-seater for sale in Shanghai in 2010 for a mere RMB 4,000 (US$600)!
Interested? Wait till you learn that it will cruise at 100-120 Km/Hr with an unbelievable 0.99litre/100Km (258 miles/gallon)!
Impressed? Totally, after you have read all the details below about the hi-tech and space-age material input into this car!
The Most Economic Car in the World will be on sale next year.
This is a single seated car.
From conception to production: 3 years and the company is headquartered in Hamburg, Germany.
Will be selling for 4000 yuan, equivalent to US$600.
Gas tank capacity = 1.7 gallons
Speed = 62 - 74.6 Miles/hour
Fuel efficiency = 258 miles/gallon
Travel distance with a full tank = 404 miles
***
If more come in, I will pass them on. TTFN!
Do you remember your first? Baconater, yes. Anything else, not my interest!
ReplyDelete***
WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever,
first date or not! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first
date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
It was midwinter, snowing and quite cold and he had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good
footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was
a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.'
And you thought your first date was embarrassing? Jay Leno's comment . . .
'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
***
L8r!
Hullo, good grief and goodnight. Please remain cool, calm and collected.
ReplyDeleteWhen the pilot lands the plane, please remember to RUN LIKE HELL!
***
Irish Humor (always cont'd.) . . .
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one -- just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
***
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly . . . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"
***
Now that would be painful!
An utterly fascinating and completely useless 40 sec. clip of how easy it is for a penguin to beat a human at table tennis. Stunning.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YANe3o1dgG0
***
Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are such assholes.
***
Don't forget to sign all of your money over to moi!
And now, further math lessons . . .
ReplyDelete***
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything -- tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
***
Not bad, so TTFN!
As the world is becoming ever more violent and a lot of people (such as yours truly) have become somewhat bored with this short, temporary physical lifecycle, I present Today's Words Of Wisdom to you . . .
ReplyDelete***
Draft Men Over 60
This is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier.
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.
Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.'
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
*How about recruiting women over 50 -- in menopause! You think men have attitudes! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol . . . they will have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
***
I pass up the opportunity to sign up, as I'm still partially blind in both eyes, crippled and out to lunch on a semi-permanent basis!
Half your days' entertainment is right here on ths blog! The other half follows right after, so . . .
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is, WOW!! Great Animation! Click on the link below.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA#t=20
***
Where Politicians Come From (no, they are neither born nor made!) . . .
A woman went to her Doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.
"Actually yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?"
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified."What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied."Where do you think politicians come from!!"
***
Hep me massa! Hep me! I exploding in delirium!
2nite the study of Globalization is examined, then digested like a rice pudding . . .
ReplyDelete***
HERE'S A LESSON FOR YOU; BET YOU NEVER KNEW THIS (LOL)
A definition of globalization that can understand and to which I now can relate:
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates' technology and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals . . .
That, my friends, is Globalization!
***
It also helps to understand that Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Elmo are, in fact, Stalin, dubya and Bozo the Clown in real life.
Do I know what I'm talking about?!
Sumtyms eye jes' kan't standy myself. Aaahhh is sooo cooooool, good lookin' and full of shit I'm unbelievable!
ReplyDeletePay atenshun, klas . . .
***
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
10. You can trade an old 45 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo!
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman . . .
1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!
***
WHAT THEY COULD GET IN THE OLDEN DAYS!
Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days.
"When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.
"Ya' can't do that now.
Too many f*&),@$#n' security cameras."
***
Wwweeeellll toodle-ooohhh!
And now a word or two from our sponsor (god) . . .
ReplyDeleteURGENT WARNING --
ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH NEXT WEEK AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE!
***
"Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid." -- John Wayne
***
Rude customer . . . for those of us who fly from time to time (or work with the public)
For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers --
An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna, for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 737s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have your attention please, " she began -- her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*%^ you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said (I love this bit),
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
***
2morrow, honkies and honkyettes!
I figured that this was just too beautiful not to share . . .
ReplyDelete"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."
Hooots mon, dinna it bring a tear to your eye?
***
Technically, the following is a blonde joke, but it can be applied to plenty of others . . .
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
***
Concerns the fake A-H1N1 PigBirdHuman Flu Virus . . .
The big bad Wolf said, "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."
The little piggy said "F*&$% off or I'll sneeze on you."
***
Oh this hurts 2 much. Therapissed time, then more 2morrow!
We have all heard tales about The Teahouse, The Coffeehouse and The Flowerhouse, but now, for the very first time, a romantic yarn about growing up, between a boy, his father and . . .
ReplyDeleteThe Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer and freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It Was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree
***
Is he lucky or in trouble? Retirement At 65
Upon reaching 65, I decided to retire. After having me under foot for a few months,
my wife became very agitated with me.
She suggested I go and do something to occupy
my time, like join a club or get a hobby. I obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When I got home my wife asked about my day and I replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You crazy old coot, where's your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
***
Hmmmm. An Outhouse and a Whorehouse. What's the difference?!
Further to yesterday's romantic twist of a tale, of a young boy growing up in an outhouse, our attention spans are swiftly deflected away to a little girl . . .
ReplyDeleteLittle Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
'And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Special Forces could shoot the asshole!'
***
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.
***
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
***
Whoa mama, more l8r!
Back to front, inside out and upside down. Where the hell are we?
ReplyDelete***
HI THERE!
Thought For The Day
'Good looks
catch the eye
but
a GOOD personality catches the heart.
You're blessed with both!'
Don't be flattered, this message was sent to ME!
I just wanted YOU to read it.
Tag You are it.
Pass it on to people who you think are blessed with both.
I just did.
***
The Pope and Gordon Campbell
The Pope and Gordon Campbell are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Campbell and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
'This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in your 2010 Olympics, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Campbell replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."
So the Pope backhanded the bastard.
***
Until whever, au revoir!
Botox4Brains. Now a look into the marvels of medicine . . .
ReplyDelete***
A teacher noticed that the little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.
***
Interesting Statistic
Since singer Susan Boyle, 48 (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV, there's been an 80% drop in suicide bombings.
Apparently many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like.
Now that's mean!
***
Ciao for Now PuddyTats!
Down Under today for some not-so helpful hints . . .
ReplyDeleteA koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry, and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Fuuuuuuck, dude . . . how much water did you drink!?'
***
Four Worms Church Sermon
For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke -- Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -- Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil -- Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation:
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.
***
Thus endeth today's valuable lesson -- Don't Drink and Drive, Smoke Shit and Fly!
Greetings, fellow playtoys! I'm in the mood . . . for a little fun! First, a mathematical brain-teaser . . .
ReplyDeleteHow old is Grandpa?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The grandpa replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
'Television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.
'There were no credit or debit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your grandmother and I got married first, then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
'And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
'We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
'We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
'Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
'Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
'Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -- not purchasing condos.
'We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
'We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
'And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
'If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
'The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
'Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
'We had 5 and 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
'Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
'And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
'You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
'In my day: grass was mowed, coke was a cold drink, pot was something your mother cooked in and rock music was your grandmother's lullaby.
'Kids' were helpers in the Principal's office, chip meant a piece of wood, hardware was found in a hardware store and software wasn't even a word.
'And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
'No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap. And how old do you think I am?'
I bet you have this old man in mind . . . you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and sad at the same time. Are you ready?
This man would be only 59 years old!
***
I'm an old fart (54), so please ignore my constant ramblings!
TTFN!
Starting off today is a terribly rough, violent debate which needs cunning and surprise to get oneself out of a pickle . . .
ReplyDelete***
A Newfie walks into a bar and he realizes it's a gay bar, but what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the Newfie, "What's the name of your weewee?"
The Newfie says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee.
"Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies'."
The Newfie looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
The Newfie asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex."
"Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, he turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One."
Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock'." and gives a wink.
Even more shaken, he has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name.
He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour him a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"
He says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.
***
THE BLONDE PAINTER
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is okay.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said . . .
You'll love this . . .
Yep -- I know you will . . .
'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'
***
Ooohhhh, that was REALLY bad!
A new play on an old favorite, or vice-versa. It's too complicated for a tiny brainn like mine to sort out! . . .
ReplyDelete***
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on . . .
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START' . . .
***
Do y'all understand that? I don't!
Back to the inevitable Battle Of The Sexes . . .
ReplyDeletePants and Panties
Mike was going to be married to Carol so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said,
'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Carol, 'Here, try these on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Carol took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'
Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Carol said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
***
MY NEW TRUCK
I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen,the prime minister of Canada."
Damn I love this truck . . .
***
Right on -- my sentiments exactly!
Wunse upon a time, there were two children called Little Johnnie and Little Susie.
ReplyDeleteLJ had a habit of pulling naughty ones on LS . . .
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'cause he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.
***
SPEEDING TICKET
BOY, THERE ARE DAYS THAT I COULD TRUTHFULLY USE THIS EXCUSE . . .
Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me . . .
Just remember: We'll be FRIENDS until we are old and senile. Then we'll be NEW FRIENDS!
***
Th-th-th-that's all fer now, folks!
Bet you thought I had died and gone to hell, didn't you? Well I did and it was too nice a place for me to stay, so I was booted out back to this dump!
ReplyDelete3:45 clip of a fairly new sport, and the scenery is quite nice.
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com&show_titl
***
Detroit Farms
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:
"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"
I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit.
***
Wot's up, Spock? Back l8r!
Been busy these past few days, mainly sunning myself and waiting for more jokes to come in.
ReplyDeleteSo, sound up for the blonde antelope (note the lions don't have too much to do) . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AH1YXpc3WiQ
***
Walter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3h4vmt8Pk6Y&feature=fvst
***
L8r y'all!
This is a fair reflection of politicians of all stripes (particularly applies to Nancy Pelosi) . . .
ReplyDelete***
Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.
Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote, their vote equals ours, and they also reproduce.
***
But this leads to further questions, such as:
Is it physically possible for bimbos / morons to reproduce? They might better be paired off with an alien from another universe!
Settle down now. We've all had occasion to come across stupid people, and they are to be pitied while the rest of us roll uncontrollably on the floor, laughing hysterically until crying.
ReplyDeleteFor thy entertainment, please read on . . .
***
NEW YORK- resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
When she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host
Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.
The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,
As Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon.
However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans.
'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds Hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice.
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
'So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of Answer C, 'The Moon.'
Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut.
'So, let's see . . . I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant . . . final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -- and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Caution . . .they walk among us!
***
This is too much to bear!
This is Not, I repeat George Orwell's famous doublespeak, but it's not too far off, either . . .
ReplyDelete****
Think before you speak
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak. Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back . . . or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.
#1 -- I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word . . . he knew better!
#2 -- I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'.
#3 -- My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
#4 -- While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange; even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
#5 -- Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven- month-old daughter, she was clean.
I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?'
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
#6 -- This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
***
Of course, none of these have ever happened to moi!
It is good to step back, take a time out to reflect on the better aspects of life, whatever they mean to each of us as individuals.
ReplyDeleteFor this particular gentleman, life becomes quite simple . . .
***
Worlds shortest fairy tale
Once upon a time, a guy said to a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting, played golf a lot and drank beer, scotch and
had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
***
This is a self-help tip . . .
Who Is Your Real Friend?
This really works! If you're unsure, just try this experiment:
Lock your partner and dog in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
***
Contemplate on that for a year or two. No thanks required!
You've all heard about "putting your foot in your mouth", then reaping the rewards.
ReplyDeleteWell, this is not CEO's gone wild, but . . .
***
Wow! Off to a good start, that new CEO!
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here". He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,
"Here's four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
***
A frog walks into a bank . . .
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(folks, you're gonna luv this, but say it slowly) . . .
The bank manager looks back at her and says . . .
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are!)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!
***
Eye reelleee ham jes' 2 sexc 4 mai body!
A new variation on the theme of parking one's bicycle. From Down Under -- where else?!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwr8xDiODDo
***
Sorry about the capital letters in the following, but this is a blond joke.
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLOND IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLOND THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M CEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLOND BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLOND AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLOND REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLOND WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLOND? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLOND. I SPEAK BLOND."
HE WALKS BACK TO THE BLOND AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO".
***
More l8r!
I'm in the process of trying to weasel a three-quadrillion dollar mortgage on a trailer which doesn't exist.
ReplyDeleteIf I get it, I'll buy Canada, fire the politicos and live a wonderful life of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.
Now back to reality . . .
***
British Humour . . .
A big earthquake with the strength of 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help, Saudi Arabia is sending oil, Latin American countries are sending supplies, New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops, the Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure and Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
***
Important -- THESE REALLY WORK!
I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE -- WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
***
L8r G8trs!
I know this ain't a political blog, but what the hell . . .
ReplyDelete***
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly person who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
"Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning . . . Today you voted."
***
Ask Garth wot it's like being a politician!
Today we investigate and look at the dietary supplements and tools used by Newfies, and see if it can be applied to other species . . .
ReplyDelete***
A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
'Yes', he nodded.
'I'll tell you though, Lard tunderin' Jesus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat third day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the fuckin' skippin'.
***
Airport security solution
THIS IS THE BEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD IN A LONG TIME. SOMEONE SHOULD SEND IT TO THE GOVERNMENT.
An engineer (ex-NASA project director) has what I think is the near perfect solution for airport security!
*Subject: **Problem solved for airport and federal building security**
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win situation for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift!
*Case Closed!*
***
Lard tunderin' Jeezus -- what an astonishingly brilliant idea!
Always respect badges, no matter where they may be located . . .
ReplyDelete***
The Power of a Badge . . . .
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher,
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . .
"Your badge . . . Show him your fucking BADGE!"
***
Age versus Youth, or the F16 vs. C-130 (pix not included)
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'Watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll.'
The moral of the story is:
When you are young and foolish -- speed and flash may seem a good thing!
When you get older and smarter -- comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!
Us older folks understand this one.
***
2morrow or whenever I'm jes' chillin', hangin' with my friends!
Today the focus is on individuals who are "unclear on the concept" (of life).
ReplyDeleteE.G., an individual on the game show "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" was asked this question (fairly easy to answer):
"What is George W. Bush's first name?"
Stammering, sputtering and thinking for a while, the person responded George.
Now to continue . . .
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said -- 'Where?'
They walk among us!
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'
I work with professionals like this.
They Walk Among Us!
***
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
They Walk Among Us!
***
Gawd, I hope I'm not one of them!
A look at the spiritual side of life (sorry for all the caps.) . . .
ReplyDeleteI TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!
Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
***
Confucius say . . .
If you can't find the book you want
You're probably shopping at the
WONG FOOKING BOOK STORE
***
That was so bad, it actually hurts!
A different one. I contemplated for so long on this that I lost 28 lbs. in three weeks of doing nothing. However, it's time to share . . .
ReplyDeleteThe following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1 This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat..
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Betcha' you can't resist passing it on.
Life is Good!
***
Pix not included . . .
When you see a woman . . .
And want her badly . . .
Please consider the following:
No matter how beautiful she is;
No matter how sexy she is;
No matter how seductive she is;
No matter how cute and sweet she is;
No matter how huge her knockers are . . .
I forgot what I was going to say.
***
L8r, boyz!
An oldie but a goodie . . .
ReplyDelete***
The Flu
I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern.
3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.
2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.
This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.
Next year is the year of the cock . . . Anybody else worried?
***
Turn Down The Volume, Please
Noisy British lover loses sex appeal
A British woman lost her appeal Tuesday against a ban on her noisy sex sessions, after a court heard how her marathon romps that kept neighbours awake sounded like someone being murdered.
Caroline and Steve Cartwright's "howling" lovemaking sounded "unnatural", "hysterical" and "like they are both in considerable pain", Newcastle Crown Court in northeast England heard.
A 10-minute recording of their sex sessions was played out in court, which also heard how she tried covering her face with a pillow to muffle her cries of passion.
Neighbours at their home in Washington, south of Newcastle, complained about the noise -- as did passers-by and the postman.
The couple were banned from "shouting, screaming or vocalisation at such a level as to be a statutory nuisance", but Caroline Cartwright, 48, appealed under human rights laws against her conviction for breaching the ban.
However, a judge on Tuesday upheld the original conviction and ordered that the banning order should stay.
Caroline Cartwright said she was unable to stop the din.
"I tried to control it. I even tried to use a pillow (over her own face) to try and lessen the noise," she said.
The judge, Recorder Jeremy Freedman, rejected her claim.
"We are in no doubt whatsoever about the level of noise that can be heard in neighbouring properties, in the street and in the back lane," he said.
"It certainly was intrusive and constituted a statutory nuisance. It was clearly of a very disturbing nature and it was also compounded by the duration -- this was not a one-off, it went on for hours at a time.
"It is further compounded by the frequency of the episode -- virtually every night.
"We do not find there is any infringement of her human rights in any shape or form."
The romps typically started at midnight and lasted several hours, the judge heard.
The couple's next-door neighbour Rachel O'Connor told court: "It's just quite unnatural.
"The noise sounds like they are both in considerable pain.
"I cannot describe the noise. Totally excessive and I have never, ever heard anything like it.
"I put my television in my bedroom on as loud as it could go and they drown it out."
The local council set up special equipment in O'Connor's flat and recorded noise levels of between 30 to 40 decibels, peaking at 47 -- as loud as a conversation in the very same room.
Marion Dixon, a council environmental health manager, took notes which said: "I heard a male voice howling loudly, which I felt was very unnerving."
Her colleague Pamela Spark called the sounds "hysterical, almost continuous, just screaming.
"I found it very disturbing and I noted that it sounded like she was being murdered."
Dixon said when the council confronted the couple, "Mr Cartwright held his head in his hands but Mrs Cartwright seemed to find it quite amusing."
***
More when it comes!
Today we will take a philosophical look at life, death and the meaning of life (sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll excluded) . . .
ReplyDelete***
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said, "You know, if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
***
In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too all perished in the fire.
Six LA Hispanic Gangbangers, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera.
They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?
The fire chief said, "They were at work."
***
Enjoy the day!
We travel to a call centre in the far east . . .
ReplyDeleteMujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said,
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said,
"The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar'."
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have."
***
Roofpreading is a fying dart . . .
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
***
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says -- No crap, really? Ya think?
***
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers -- Now that's taking things a bit far!
***
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over -- What a guy!
***
Miners Refuse to Work after Death -- No 'good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant -- See if that works any better than a fair trial!
***
TGIF! L8r!
More from yesterday to be continued tomorrow, but for now . . .
ReplyDeleteThis one is good for a chuckle!
LADY'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"145," I said. The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 190.
The nurse asked, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5'6"
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
***
"War Dims Hope for Peace" -- I can see where it might have that effect!
***
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile" -- Ya think?!
***
"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures" -- Who would have thought!
***
"Enfield - London -- Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide" -- They may be on to something!
***
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges" -- You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
***
"Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge" -- He probably IS the battery charge!
***
Honky white trash, c y'all whenever!
And Now For Something Completely Different . . .
ReplyDelete***
Peace In Our Time, at Last
The Ottawa Citizen reported today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the:
Saskatchewan Redneck Special Forces (SRSF)
These all Saskatchewan boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan, and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the 13th man on the field on Grey Cup day.
Ottawa expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
***
The Final Edition . . .
"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group" - Weren't they fat enough?!
***
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft" -- That's what he gets for eating those beans!
***
"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks" -- Do they taste like chicken?
***
"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half" -- Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***
"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors" -- Boy, are they tall!
***
And the winner is . . .
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead" -- Did I read that right?
***
Toodles!
Jes' came in . . .
ReplyDeleteMama and Four Sons
Four Ukrainian brothers left the village for the university. They became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having a nice dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mama who lived far away.
The first, Ivan, said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second, Slavko, said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."
The third, Myroslav, said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to Mama."
The fourth, Andrij, said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
"I met our priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. He told me it took 12 years to teach him.
"I had pledged to contribute $100,000 a year for three years to the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, but it was worth it.
"Now, Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After Christmas Mama sent out her thank-you notes. She wrote:
"Ivan, the house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks dear anyway."
"Slavko, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound. It holds 50 people but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Myroslav, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Andrij, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
"The chicken was delicious! Thank you and have a great day, Mama."
***
A Blonde Strikes With Deadly Force
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing . . . I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? \
'Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied . . .
'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
***
Groan! TTFN!
Top 10 Most Expensive Car Crashes -- What a shame! (No pix)
ReplyDelete10. Bugatti EB110 . . . $500,000
This 1992 $500,000 super-exotic Bugatti EB110 was being driven by a mechanic as part of its annual checkup.
He claims there was an oil slick on the road which caused him to lose control and crash into a pole. The owner of the Bugatti is a famous "feel good" guru named Emile Ratelband.
Not sure how good he was feeling after this wreck.
9. Pagani Zonda C12 S . . . $650,000
Only 15 Zonda C12 S were ever built, but that didn't stop this owner from driving it like a mad hatter.
He crashed this beauty in the wee morning hours while driving in Hong Kong.
8. Mercedes Benz SL 300 . . . $950,000
The SL 300 "Gullwing" represents the very finest of Mercedes. The owner thought
it would be a good idea to race this million dollar car on the streets of Mexico, at the
annual "La Carrera Panamericana" race -- limited to classic cars produced before 1965.
7. Jaguar XJ220 . . . $1.1 Million
The XJ220 once held the record for highest top speed for a production car (217 mph).
6. Ferrari Enzo . . . $1.3 Million
The most famous Ferrari Enzo crash (shown above) was at Malibu, California in 2005, when the driver, "Fat Steven" Eriksson crashed the car at 196 mph.
5. Bugatti Veyron . . . $1.6 Million
The Bugatti Veyron is the most expensive production car in history. Only 300 are
expected to be produced, and already two have crashed. Above is the first one.
The driver thought it was okay to speed at 100 mph in the rain. He only had the car for one week.
4. 1959 Ferrari 250 GT TDF . . . $1.65 Million
This extremely rare classic car, the 1959 Ferrari 250 GT "Tour de France", crashed
into a wall at the Shell Ferrari-Maserati Historic Challenge in 2003.
3. Ferrari 250 GT Spyder . . . $10.9 Million
The record price for a 1961 250 GT California Spyder at auction was set on May 18, 2008 when a black one was sold for $10,894,900.
So what is one doing buried in the sand? The unlucky owner had it stored near the beach when a Hurricane hit.
2. Ferrari 250 GTO . . . $28.5 Million
The 1962-64 Ferrari 250 GTO became the most valuable car in the world. In 2008 an
anonymous English buyer bought a 250 GTO at auction for a record $28.5 Million.
The crash above represents a car worth more than the combined value of all 14 Enzos (see #6 above) involved in accidents.
After a track event involving historic cars, the owner rammed into the back of another car after traffic slowed down.
1. Tiger Wood's Escalade . . . $55 million and rising.
The most expensive car crash ever? Final estimate to be determined by Elin Nordegren!
Ay 'dere. Dis is me. Blondes have no mercy . . .
ReplyDeleteDid you hear about the two blondes who froze to death at a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
***
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened.
So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said,
'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
***
Bye bye!
A clearer understanding of the work force through dog's eyes . . .
ReplyDeleteFour men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But, the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.
The three men turned to the government worker and said, “What can your dog do?”
The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a crap on the paper, had sex with the other three dogs. Then Coffee Break claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker’s compensation and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
They all agreed that dog was bloody brilliant.
***
Now we know why this really IS a dog's life! No taxes to pay, just eat, sleep and be merry!
And now, Ponder these bits of reality . . . Hmmm
ReplyDeleteYOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF . . .
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
***
Next one follows (not enough space) . . .
What I Want In A Man! Original List:
ReplyDelete1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
***
Gr8 ouikend y'all!
An apt day for reviewing how to treat a gossip in church . . .
ReplyDelete***
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home . . . and left it there all night.
(Gotta love Frank!)
***
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said:
"Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.
"Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman.
"It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
***
Which reminds me -- I'm way overdue for ANY crisis!
An overview today of both sexes in combination with lion taming (not recommended for the faint of heart) . . .
ReplyDelete***
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that lion out of there."
***
Not only is a free pet rock included with every purchase, you also get to watch a great (but banned) commercial. Listen for the English commentator's voice toward the end.
http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=167455
Further, this is a new variation on the blond theme. Sound up for both!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnsnLTKig6Q
***
L8r, dudes et dudettes!
In speaking of those Crazy Candlearbras Canuckleheads . . .
ReplyDelete***
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some azzhole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,
'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy,
'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'No shit?' replied the boy.
'Who'd she play for?'
***
(Not sure if this will work)
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (the ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you . . .
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
[* Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed.*]
***
Waa-haayyyy! Oodles of toodles!
After yesterday's delightful debacle of another St. Patrick's Day, when 13-leaved limericks, leprechauns and I were romancing each other, it is now time to return to the grindstone. So . . .
ReplyDelete***
Why the English wore red coats in battle
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked,
'Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?'
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.
***
Doctor's Office and a SNOOTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist's desk, and gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO
SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
***
L8r, soldiers!
Just checking to see if you give a rat's ass about anything today.
ReplyDeleteGive-A- Fuck-Omoter
Nope! Barely moved for me either!
***
The importance of planning
One night four college students were partying until late and did not study for a test, which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.
They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test.
The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days . . .
The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks.
Q. 1. Which tire?
a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right
***
If I ever recover from this brutally nice sunshine and warm spring season, I'll be back 2mrow!
Today a Psychological Study On The Effect Haircuts Have On Bald People . . .
ReplyDelete***
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The M.P. was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen M.P.'s lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians we elected to run it!
***
Warning to Canada
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned Canada that if military action against Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Canada's supply of convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Bell Canada customer service reps and Roger's Internet tech supports.
It's getting ugly out there.
***
Mercy! Gotta run!
Splendor in the grass . . . are we all smoking the same stuff? Jes' a wunnerfull day here dans l'Okanagan. But there is much work to do with postings of jokes . . .
ReplyDelete***
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion . . . Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
***
Remember Maxine? The old devil is still around. This is a belated St. Paddy's Day for all of us from all of her:
May the wind at your back
Not be the result of
the corned beef and cabbage
you had for lunch.
***
Fart on, 'bro!
Starting off today with a bunch of hypnotizing facts and figures via an e-mail from a buddy (yes, I do count Romulans, Cardassians and humans among my friends!) . . .
ReplyDeleteGet ready for an eye-opener. It shows why we are feeling so overwhelmed!
Sony played this at its annual shareholders meeting this year. It is amazing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9Wu2kWwSY
***
And A Happy Saint Pat's Day To Ya
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,
"Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares,
"Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
***
I'm going bananananas and you're not! FREAK OUT!
Hello, good grief and good god. Discussion today centers on strange things. So . . .
ReplyDeleteYou Type . . . She speaks . . . Turn up the volume.
She will say anything you type. When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer.
When you write something in the left space and then click on 'Say it,' she says it!
You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.
http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/tts_example.php?sitepal
***
Are You Lonesome Tonight? Well . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=SfPgSzcu9RY
***
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've got somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
***
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun'. . ."
***
Be good, boyz 'n' girlz!
HAH! No one expects the spanish inquisition! Betcha figured I had died and was living on the other side! NOT A CHANCE! Just a brief time out, that's all.
ReplyDeleteA long one (true) which has to be split into two posts. So . . .
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS . . .
Garter snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
Terrified, she let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the husband broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here . . .
(continued) . . .
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
ReplyDeleteThe police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
***
Nighty night!
Good Golly Miss Mollie! Today's wonderful relaxation therapy consists of the following . . .
ReplyDelete***
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady recently died, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
FM: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
CB: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
FM: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
CB: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
FM: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
CB: 'Excuse me?'
FM: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
CB: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
FM: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a zero balance.'
CB: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
FM: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
CB: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
FM: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given.)
CB: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
FM: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given.)
(continued in following entry) . . .
After they get the fax:
ReplyDeleteCB: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
FM: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
CB: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
FM: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
CB: 'That might help.'
FM: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
CB: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
FM: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
Priceless! You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!
***
Enjoy a gay day!
Well whaddya know? I are bak agin, so for your perusal . . .
ReplyDeleteThe $2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS! WE'VE been around the block more than once!
***
This gives new meaning to the phrase "Honey would you go outside and warm up the truck for me."
These were taken this past weekend (3/12/2010) outside of Courtenay, BC. Courtenay is 70 miles north of Nanaimo on the Island Highway, (Vancouver Island).
[PIX]
She is such a fraidycat . . . These are cougars, for anyone who hasn't seen one. Once you have seen that tail, you won't forget it.
***
TTFN! Sorry couldn't supply pix for last one.
And now . . .
ReplyDeleteGuy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So,are you people still happy for who you voted for?"
***
Balance
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth. It's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's the Province of Ontario, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and beaches. The people from the Ontario are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's Toronto! Wait till you see the hockey team I put there."
***
Bak l8r!
I'm now beyond being too humanly sexy for this body . . . well not really!
ReplyDelete***
I wrote a Biology exam last week. One of the questions was, “Name something commonly found in a cell!”
Apparently Indians is the wrong answer!
***
Get ready for an eye-opener. It shows why we are feeling so overwhelmed!
Sony played this at its annual shareholders meeting this year. It is amazing!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9Wu2kWwSY
***
Lore mater!
Today, a far more concise look at how to keeep in ladies' good books. Ladies, you already know this, so don't bother reading! . . .
ReplyDelete***
The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)
***
Yours sadly, I, Charlesius!
Happy Easter! Today the topic is focused on one individual, and the variety of thoughts which flow freely . . .
ReplyDelete***
There are three good arguments that Jesus was black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then, there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then, there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then, there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then, there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then, there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But, the most compelling evidence of all -- three proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And, even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
***
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men Are just happier people -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $3500; Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $3.99 for a three-pack. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!
***
L8r g8rs!
Well it's goodnight from me, and it's good morning from him! Got my time zones mixed up. Posted this last night, long after you had all gone beddy-byes but before I woke up.
ReplyDeleteDo I sound confused? You betcha!
***
Canadians should be proud of this. Others may enjoy the new found knowledge, and yes we do have immigration!
Once in a while someone does a nice job of describing a Canadian, this time it was an Australian dentist.
An Australian Definition of a Canadian, in case anyone asks you who a Canadian is . . .
You probably missed it in the local news, but there was a report that someone in Pakistan had advertised in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed a Canadian -- any Canadian.
An Australian dentist wrote the following editorial to help define what a Canadian is, so they would know one when they found one.
A Canadian can be English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek.
A Canadian can be Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, Arab, Pakistani or Afghan.
A Canadian may also be a Cree, Métis, Mohawk, Blackfoot, Sioux, or one of the many other tribes known as native Canadians.
A Canadian's religious beliefs range from Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu or none. In fact, there are more Muslims in Canada than in Afghanistan.
The key difference is that in Canada they are free to worship as each of them chooses. Whether they have a religion or no religion, each Canadian ultimately answers only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs
claiming to speak for the government and for God.
A Canadian lives in one of the most prosperous lands in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms which recognize the right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.
A Canadian is generous and Canadians have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.
Canadians welcome the best of everything, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services and the best minds.
But they also welcome the least -- the oppressed, the outcast and the rejected.
These are the people who built Canada. You can try to kill a Canadian if you must as other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world have tried but in doing so you could just be killing a relative or a neighbour.
This is because Canadians are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the
embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, can be a Canadian.
***
Enuff for 2day!
No explanation is necessary . . .
ReplyDelete***
SKINNY DIPPING
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
***
Coyote Population
The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again.
Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,
'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep -- they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!
Check out following photo:
***
No pic supplied here, but it was a nice one!
TTFN!
And now, a brief summary of near-death experiences . . .
ReplyDelete***
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "I didn't fuckin' recognize you."
***
When you see a woman and want her badly, please consider the following . . .
ADVICE FROM AN OLD MAN
No matter how beautiful she is . . .
No matter how sexy she is . . .
No matter how seductive she is . . .
No matter how cute and sweet she is . . .
No matter how huge her melons are . . .
I forgot what I was going to say.
***
Ummmm, yes. What WAS I going to blabber on about?
Today the focus is on talking dogs . . .
ReplyDeleteIf you keep doin' what you've always done,
you'll keep gettin' what you've always got!
Dog for sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
'I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'
***
Pure Logic (Spock would be proud)
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left, a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question . . . will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow; b) Thrush; c) Magpie; d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." says yer man Mick, "so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple . . . It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
"Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy, How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
Dat's easy says Paddy, "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
***
Nighty night and dinna let the bed bugs bite!
Blowing up a storm here. Sunny, cloudy and I was nearly knocked over on two occasions by the wind.
ReplyDeletePity the Cascades in Washington St. -- they had a major dump, ferries couldn't sail between the island the lower mainland.
Jokes seem to have dried up -- not much coming through, so I'll improvise!
1) Internet help desk + many others on UTube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfLgGf4nskI
***
So, You're On Your Apartment Balcony Chilling when . . . this happens.
Quote: A Navy F/A-18F Super Hornet crew got permission for a low-level demonstration flight, as part of the opening ceremony for a speedboat race on the Detroit River last weekend.
This is what it looked like, for Motor City residents.
This is the moment a a US Navy pilot gave a shocked resident a very close look at his F18.
The fighter / bomber streaked past an apartment block on the banks of the Detroit River at the weekend.
It was part of a tactical demonstration fly-past to open a speedboat race in the North American city.
Officials waived rules to allow the Navy flyers to swoop under 100ft along the waterway.
One resident said: 'I couldn't believe how low they flew and how close they came to our building -- I'm sure the pilot waved at me.'
The jets had flown in from the Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia to put on a spectacular show for thousands of spectators.
The Chrysler Jeep Superstores APBA Gold Cup race was won by speedboat ace Dave Villcock.
'We danced with the devil at every turn,' said Villwock, 55, who demolished the field on his way to his seventh Gold Cup win.
'We were either going to win it big or lose it big.' He couldn't match the F18's for speed, although his average of 141mph for the five-lap final remained impressive.
***
No pix given, but there was one of an F18 at a 90 degree angle, just coming around an apartment building. Nice shot!
L8r G8trs!
Aircraft jokes -- found 'em on a site. Good ones!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=170788
Today a peek is taken into the social not-so-niceties of life. Put yerself in this position . . .
ReplyDelete***
You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.
But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future) . . . while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.
You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more, especially after Sandra's speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you.
How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?
I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:
Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me.
Let's do lunch sometime and compare notes.
~Tiger Woods
***
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***
Toodles!
Anyone here remember Auntie Sharon? Me neither . . .
ReplyDeleteThe Moral of Auntie Sharon
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
'She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
'She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
'She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
'Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the f**k away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking.'
***
For the discerning spectator here, Redneck Waterskiing . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWHuRmz0S38
***
Ciao!
A trip to Italy . . .
ReplyDeleteAN ITALIAN BOYS CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
'But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads!'
***
2morrow (maybe)!
For thinkers amongst us . . .
ReplyDeleteI'VE BEEN WONDERING
WHY... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
WHY... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
WHY... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?
WHY... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
WHY... the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?
WHY... women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
WHY... don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
WHY... is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
WHY... is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
WHY... is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
WHY... is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
WHY... is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
WHY... isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
WHY... didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
WHY... do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
WHY... don't they make the whole plane out of that same indestructible stuff black boxes are made out of?
WHY... don't sheep shrink when it rains?
WHY... are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
WHY... if flying is so safe, do they call the airport the terminal?
***
L8r!
Are we under or over 30? I prefer over . . .
ReplyDeleteIf you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda.
I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!
There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a darn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7! And then there's TEXTING.
Part II in next box . . .
Part II (cont'd) . . .
ReplyDeleteYeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
We didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your behind and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! Our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!
And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
***
Au Revoir!
A brief summation on lawyers . . .
ReplyDeleteWow!
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.
This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires'. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART . . .
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA . . . NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY'RE NUTS.
***
Back l8r!
Hello, good grief and goodnight! Time for a little strangeness, no?
ReplyDelete***
The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'
***
The first blonde guy joke?
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke . . . and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. She said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'
***
Golly gosh! I'm exhausted!
L8r Tiddleywinks!
Been busy. 'Owzaboud y'all? Sunny with cloudy periods or Cloudy with sunny periods. Life is like a box of molasses . . .
ReplyDelete***
New Company Word of the day:
FOCUS -- When you are annoyed with someone, tell them to FOCUS!
F#*K Off Cause U're Stupid!
***
Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read her sales pitch!
Dog For Sale:
Actually, free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'
Pic not available, but the description is apt!
***
Oodles Of Toodles!
Hello. For your perusal, here are 24 useless pieces of info.; use them at your own discretion!
ReplyDelete1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
***
TTFN!
To wit . . .
ReplyDelete***
Pearly Gates
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"
Another month passed.. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
***
How To Teach A Parrot To Talk
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
'I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
'Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
'My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase . . . in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over to the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
***
2 much! L8r!
Yo. Eye R a little late, but nevertheless . . .
ReplyDelete***
Priceless
City By-laws
I just applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall, 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place, and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green.
The Town council told me to f**k off.
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday...
***
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?
My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
when I looked at the tire
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
***
Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me.
***
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder . . .
'What the hell was I thinking?'
***
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
***
How could two people as beautiful as you
have such an ugly baby?
***
I've always wanted to have:
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you . . .
I've changed my mind.
***
I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
***
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am . . .
that you're not here to ruin it for me.
***
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
***
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia.)
***
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
***
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you keep your promise.
***
We have been friends
for a very long time.
Let's say we stop!
***
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
***
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
***
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
***
So your daughter's a hooker
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side;
it's really good pay!
***
Whenever!
Ohhhh happy days are here again (I'm back!) . . .
ReplyDelete***
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
"I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church
supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Name it," said God.
"It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel . . ."
***
Why do polish dogs have flat noses?
Because they chase parked cars.
***
Things that make you go hmmm . . .
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton tea employees take coffee breaks?
How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
***
2morrow!
Caution: May be too naughty for adults, let alone children . . .
ReplyDelete***
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors graphic
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for three minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want -- the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
'OLD' IS WHEN . . .
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
***
HST = Happy Sex Tax
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive an "HST Compensation" payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an "HST Compensation" payment?
A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:
*If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . . .
*If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
*If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
*If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
*If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
*If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
*If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to hockey games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada.)
Conclusion:
Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
That just about covers it.
***
Whoa mamma mia!
Sex, drugs and Geritol = Old Farts. Speaking of illicit affairs, be careful what you ask for; you just may get it . . .
ReplyDelete***
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
***
As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails, BUT this one is important.
It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.
We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.
Please keep it going!
To show your support for Gordon Campbell please go to the end of the list and add your name.
1. Mrs.Campbell.
2.
***
L8r!
Retirement -- A Primer . . .
ReplyDeleteAnd They Ask -- Why I Like Retirement?
Q: How many days in a week?
A: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Q: When is a retiree's bedtime?
A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it might take all day.
Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A: Tied shoes.
Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They are the only ones who have the time.
Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: NUTS!
Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal.
Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?
A: The never ending Coffee Break.
Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Q: What do you do all week?
A: Monday to Friday; Nothing. Saturday and Sunday I rest.
Share this one with all the retirees that you know. And Those Looking forward to Retirement
I'm sure they can relate to some of them!
***
Oodles of Toodles!
Whoa baby! I R Bak! Not too many jokes coming thru lately. Could be the Spring Doldrums. Never thee mind . . .
ReplyDelete***
Charles and Shirley were attending church services.
About halfway through, Charles writes a note and hands it to Shirley.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Shirley scribbles back,
"Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
***
The Scottish Golfer
An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm Scottish and a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.
'I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
'I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
'How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my granddad's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Granddad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
***
L8r!
Science first . . .
ReplyDelete***
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting flies' he responded.
'Oh.! Killing any?', she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
'3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'
***
Farm Kid in the Army
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
***
Bak soon!
And now a brief respite from the world's nonsense of the day . . .
ReplyDelete***
During a recent computer password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
***
This is more of a serious note . . .
We're "broke" and can't help our own Seniors, Homeless, Veterans, Orphans, etc.?
This is so pathetically true . . . in the last month we have provided aid to Haiti, Chile, and Turkey.
Our retired seniors living on a fixed income receive no aid while our government and religious organizations pour hundreds of millions of dollars and tons of food to foreign countries.
We have hundreds of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans.
Why are so many CANADIAN citizens, and the CANADIAN government, so star struck they won't provide for our own?
CANADA: a country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, and
mentally ill without treatment -- yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations, ships and planes lining up with food, water, tents, clothes, bedding, doctors and medical supplies.
Imagine if we gave ourselves the same support that we gave all other countries.
I feel bad for them but I also care about CANADA and our Seniors who developed this great country only to be forgotten.
Sad isn't it?
You can forward it on if you wish, especially to federal MPs who love to spend money.
***
Toodles!
A true story. Not sure whether to laugh or sympathize . . .
ReplyDelete***
Skinny dip leads to swollen tip for tourist
WELLINGTON (AFP) -- A Canadian tourist's nude swim and nap at at a New Zealand beach ended badly when he woke with a swollen penis after apparently being bitten by a poisonous spider.
The 22-year-old man woke from his post-swim nap to find his penis swollen, painful and bearing a red mark, a report in the New Zealand Medical Journal said.
By the time he got to hospital in the far north of the country, his penis was severely swollen, his blood pressure was high and his heart racing.
Chest pains and other symptoms developed and it was assumed he had been bitten by a katipo, an uncommon beach-loving spider -- whose bite is sometimes fatal -- which is related to Australia's redback and North America's black widow.
The man was treated with anti-venom and his condition improved although he suffered from heart inflammation and required a total of 16 days in hospital before being released.
"It was a rather nasty, ill-placed bite," said doctor Nigel Harrison of Whangarei Hospital.
***
SOME GREAT COMMENTS!
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
***
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
***
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
***
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
***
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
***
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
***
2morrow!
Wot's a nice gurl like mee doing in a joint like 'dis?
ReplyDelete***
I'm older than dirt
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,' I explained.
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, slow.
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week.
He had to get up at 6AM every morning. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
(Part 2 follows)
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
ReplyDeleteMEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10.Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along! Especially to all your really OLD friends.
***
Sex, Drugs and Geritol -- Keep On Rockin' In The Free World!
Well good afternoon and welcome to the local joketrack. Accordingly . . .
ReplyDelete***
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
***
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
***
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
***
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
***
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
***
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
***
Money can't buy you happiness . . . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
***
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
***
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
***
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W. C. Fields
***
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
***
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
***
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
***
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
***
And the cardiologist's diet: -- If it tastes good spit it out.
***
Oodles!
Exciting scientific news . . .
ReplyDelete***
A woman just gave birth to a baby.
After she had recovered, the doctor came to see and speak with her.
"Your baby is in good health, but there is something important I need to tell you".
The woman was worried.
"Tell me there is nothing wrong, please."
"There is nothing really wrong, but he is a little different . . . your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"A HERMAPHRODITE? What is that?"
"Well, it means that . . . your baby is . . . that he has all the equipment of a man and a woman."
The woman pales . . . "OH MY GODDDD!"
"You mean he has a penis AND a brain?"
Howdya like that one boyz?!
***
BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)
For anyone who didn't see the episode on David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'
Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her . . .
'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,
'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.
Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor.
'I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'
He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.'
She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening.
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill. The card said:
'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.
It was signed: Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan.
***
G8r L8rs!
Yesterday was an off day. I wuz off my rocker!
ReplyDelete***
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP or MPP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
P.S. -- Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
***
TTFN!
In case you were wondering . . .
ReplyDelete***
Q: What Exactly is Inside a Can of Whoop-ass?
A: Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."
"U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the '72 Virgins Dating Club."
"U.S. Air Force -- Travel Agents To Allah"
"Stop Global Whining"
"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"
"Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify."
"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"
"Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"
"Marine Sniper -- You can run, but you'll just die tired!"
"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"
"Marines -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"
"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"
"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"
"It's God's Job to Forgive bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"
"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"
"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support"
"My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"
"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy By Volume"
"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"
"If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran".
***
An English professor wrote the words
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful!
***
Lollapalooza hunneybunches!
For 2morrow -- Happy Queen Vicky Day!
ReplyDelete***
A whole lotta truth here . . .
Old Farmer's Advice
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered . . . not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
***
L8r!
Been a while -- lotsa thingies to do. But nevermind . . .
ReplyDelete***
IRISH CONFESSIONS
1. Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
2. Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
3. Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
4. Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company... One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead . . . Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
5. Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS Can you help us?' 'I can!''Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will!'
***
Whenever!
And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .
ReplyDelete***
Hockey or Sex
The husband watching an NHL playoff game on TV kept switching channels between a movie featuring a couple in bed and the game.
"I don't know whether to watch the hockey game or them," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," she said. "You already know how to play hockey!"
***
A Mexican, an Arab, and an Alberta girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Alberta girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Alberta, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless Alberta!
***
TTFN!
And now -- Hunting 101 . . .
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwYz_3VKWFo
***
THE BITCH FAIRY
Now I know all of you have heard of the Tooth Fairy,
and The Fairy God Mother,
But have you heard of the
BITCH FAIRY,
Check Her Out...
Do not fear -- the Bitch Fairy has arrived to put a smile on your face!
(pix not included, unfortunately)
Don't mess with women! (They can be EVIL)
***
L8r!
Canadian Humor
ReplyDeleteCurtis and Leroy saw an ad in the Tribune Newspaper in Williams Lake, BC and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry fellers, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis and Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing Campbell's Harmonized Sales Tax plan.
***
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'
Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
***
More l8r!
Ooohhh, to be a court reporter . . . NOT!
ReplyDelete***
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
***
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
***
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
***
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
***
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
***
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
***
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
***
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
***
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
***
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
***
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
***
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
***
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
***
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
***
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
***
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
***
L8r G8rs!
And now . . .
ReplyDelete***
Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, darling -- with all the others, I was awake."
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM
***
Italianese
Do you know why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family? Here is the answer.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man . . ."
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's up'?"
***
TTFN!
Direct from the BBC, and moving back in time . . .
ReplyDelete***
Woman jailed for testicle attack
A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.
Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.
She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."
Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.
'Pulled hard'
Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self-defence.
The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but "open relationship" with Monti towards the end of May last year.
The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones's house.
An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.
In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard".
"I am in no way a violent person" -- Amanda Monti
He added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain."
The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.
She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.
In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done.
She said: "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."
The letter added: "I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life."
***
A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6 -- now *@%)& off!'
***
L8r!
Although the World Cup is taking up a lot of time, there seems to have some 'incoming' . . .
ReplyDelete***
Beware
Information about Gonorrhea Lectim (Liberalis strain)
The BC Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible affliction.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.
Many victims contracted it in 2010, but now most people, after having been infected for the past one or two years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.
You take the first dose in 2010 (HST variant) and the second dose in 2013 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Most ridings are already on top of this, like many in the interior, and apparently now on the Island, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.
Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
***
Rednek tyme agin . . .
FINALLY, OVERALLS THAT FIT! Just ask for the "TENNESSEE CUT"
Brand new edition of "You know you're a redneck when . . .
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench.
The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
***
L8r G8trs!
Caught y'all off guard, sleeping with the enemy! . . .
ReplyDelete***
Bacon and Eggs (yummy!)
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
'I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
'I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk .'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'
***
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
***
2mrow or whnevr!
Things that are NOT supposed to be said in the heat of the moment . . .
ReplyDelete***
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you."
***
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down . . . and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device . . . a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' she screamed at him!
'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
'You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
***
Toodles!
Aahhh, children . . .
ReplyDelete***
Two little kids are in a hospital, standing next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,
"Whatcha in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "Whatcha in for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
***
News flash
Buffalo Police have reported finding a man's body floating in the Niagara River, near the Peace Bridge.
The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption, combined with a drug overdose.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick and a “Sarah Palin for President in 2012” t-shirt.
He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.
Police removed the t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
***
L8r!
If you don't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!
ReplyDeleteIt was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away?'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed . . . so we're just waiting.'
***
A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, folds her arms, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit.
***
Gr8 weekend!
Damn it's so difficult to pay attenshun to any of the present-day garbage happening, so I won't. Accordingly . . .
ReplyDelete***
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution -- This Truck is full of Political Promises"
***
Politicians = Excrement! L8r G8rs!
A Troubling Question . . . Why?
ReplyDelete***
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
EVER WONDER . . .
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
***
TTFN -- Been a drought (no jokes) lately. I'll post them when I get them.
Whoa 'dere . . . bin a long time. Wot gives?
ReplyDeleteWell, the supply of jokes kinda dried up, just few and far between. Got one 2day, 'tho . . .
***
Free Medical Advice
For all you food conscious folks
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford.
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat
diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water.
"But, there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
***
HAPPY CANADA DAY EVERYONE!
They have Harmonized the PST & GST in B.C. & Ontario. Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch!
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.
Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Death Tax
Dog License Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment (UI)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Gasoline Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Hunting License Tax
Hydro Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Provincial Income and sales tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Federal Tax
Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
-- and in 2010 the HST
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago, and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What in "Hell" happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'
I hope this goes around CANADA at least 100 times. YOU can help it get there. GO AHEAD -- be a CANADIAN!
***
TTFN!
Just too important NOT to pass on . . .
ReplyDeleteTICK WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times, unintentionally of course, but this one is real, and it's IMPORTANT.
Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up . . .
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you NAKED!!!
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
***
The Stranded Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
" 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
***
Toodles!
Well hullo there. God, I'm cute. Who are you?!
ReplyDelete***
Jesus in a Bar
An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man.
Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man's eyes widen with shock.
"Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.
The Newfie shouts, "Piss off, I'm on Workers Compensation!"
***
Traffic Camera
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
***
L8r g8rs!
An introspective view on our distant cousins . . .
ReplyDelete***
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did . . . and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
***
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something . . .
***
Holy Sauna Baths Batboy! Kinda warm here!
L8r!
We're all getting there . . .
ReplyDelete***
A Senior Moment
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . . .
Then suddenly I remembered that I was listening to my iPod . . .
. . . and how was your day?
***
I AM CANADIAN (new version)
I am in the minority in Calgary, Vancouver, Toronto and every casino in this country.
I was born in the thirties, forties, fifties or sixties, yet I am somehow responsible
for some First Nations people being screwed out of their land in the 1700's!
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seatbelt.
All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are Ignorant, but these same people cannot name this country's new territory.
On April 1st, 1999 the map of Canada changed for the first time in 50 years with the creation of Nunavut Territory. The Northwest Territories was split and approximately two million square kilometers of the central and eastern arctic became 'Nunavut'.
Although I am sometimes forced to live on hamburgers and don't have a pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home in
Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.
Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec still provides most of my nation's prime ministers.
95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.
I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa for that matter.
I am being told that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.
I am also being told that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.
Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my Grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.
I am being told that spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or recognize the English language.
I am being told that paying $1 million for 3 Stripes ('The Voice of Fire' painting in Ottawa) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.
When I look at my pension and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say 'Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans.'
I must bail out big corporations who drive their business into the ground and say, 'yeah that's ok.'
When they move all their manufacturing plants and jobs to a third world country and say, 'no problem.'
My National Anthem has versions in both official languages.
Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest Military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.
I am not an angry white person.
I am one pissed off taxpayer, who is broke.
I am Canadian!
***
Toodles!
Willkommen bak! Here we go . . .
ReplyDelete***
Ideal husbands . . .
While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then God made the earth round.
***
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when . . .
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list!
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
Go lick your elbow.
***
Actually, if you slather yourself in mustard, ketchup, pickles and strong European beer, put yourself on a rotisserie over a B-B-Q for several hours, you can eat yourself -- elbow and all!
Ciao for now!
. . . and now for something completely different . .. . Actually it is a little different, so I thought I would pass it on.
ReplyDelete***
I Wish You Enough!
Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.
Standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'
The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'
They kissed and the daughter left. The father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry.
I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'
'I am old, and she lives so far away. I have tests ahead and the reality is -- the next trip back will be for my funeral,' he said.
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'
He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone . . .'
He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.'
Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.
'I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.'
'I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.'
'I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.'
'I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.'
'I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.'
'I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.'
'I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.'
***
L8r!
G'day Bruces! Now . . .
ReplyDelete***
At First I thought this was Richmond
Notice -- No stop signs, no traffic lights, no rules and only occasional use of headlights -- even at night!
Also a lawyer standing with his camera, pen and pad on every corner.
Proof people, in general, don't know how to drive!
Driving in China: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=QESfEd180rQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=QESfEd180rQ
***
Thank gawd I don't drive or live in China!
TTFN!
I am not responsible if you pass this on to your wives, ladyfriends etc.
ReplyDelete***
New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs . . . enough times till her husband says . . .
"Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that. I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot.
***
Timex Watch
My neighbors, the two cute, young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!
It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said:
"I just wanna watch!"
***
L8r g8orz!
Whoa! Sumtin' came in . . .
ReplyDelete***
Scotch with two drops of water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN -- Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN -- Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN -- A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN -- Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN -- You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN -- You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN -- 'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN -- 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN -- An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND 'OLD' IS WHEN
You are not sure these are jokes?
***
More l8r!
Feeling a little romantic, are we?
ReplyDelete***
Italian Secret to a Long Marriage
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,
'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied,
" I gonna go pick her up."
***
I hope we can say this one day!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?' 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I've outlived all the bitches.'
***
Oodles of Toodles!
Extra large G'mawnin' ta ya sleepybags!
ReplyDelete***
Wish!
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever", I said.
"Sorry", said the fairy, "I can't grant wishes like that."
"Okay: I want to die when Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley cup."
"You're a crafty bastard," she said!
***
L8r!
Now, this ain't Brokeback Mountain, but . . .
ReplyDelete***
Gay Cowboy
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her feet.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra . . ." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever
Wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
***
Ooohhhh wot a gay day!
Guten morgenstern! (Saudi Arabian for good evening) . . .
ReplyDelete***
MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
"I guess all those f%@#g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck . . .
***
The Value of a Drink
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams.
'If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
-~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
***
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.'
~- Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
***
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~- Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
***
Gr8 weekend!
Hell it's warm out here. Air conditioning time . . .
ReplyDelete***
Old Fighter Pilot
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 pilot and a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well.
"I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.
So, nothing to lose . . . why not give him a try?
The seedy LtCdr staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You!" said the Commander.
After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, ". . . and I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went right on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Sizzle."
He then excused himself and lurched to the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said,
"Look fly boy, the job is yours . . . but do you know your fly is open and your Johnson is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".
***
TTFN!
Groan . . . this one isn't as bad as winter, but it's not far off . . .
ReplyDelete***
A Blonde in Church
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
"I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
"Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued,
"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
"Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
"Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
"Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
"I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
"I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
***
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~- Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
***
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~- Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
***
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~- Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
***
'To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!'
-~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
***
Speaking of an ice cold beer, it's kinda hot today so I'll crack open a cold one while thinking of England!
Speaking of criminals . . .
ReplyDelete***
Lawyers
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
***
Moral of the story: What bloody moral?
Cheers!
Returning to the high principles of low cleavage, we continue unabated on our never-ending quest to make sense to one another . . .
ReplyDelete***
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
-- Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
***
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
-- Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
***
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
-- Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
***
'To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!'
-- Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
***
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
'This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
'In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
'But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
'That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
***
Duz dat make sense? Thought not!
Ciao!
Anuvver day, another bankrupt dollar. That's why we all come here -- to avoid reality!
ReplyDelete***
Irish Burial
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis', says Paddy.
'Hand me da shovel.'
***
Old Butch
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing his duty.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
***
TTFN!
Proof That The World Is Nuts
ReplyDeleteIn Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
***
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
***
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick or Another Brick In The Wall Part 2?)
***
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
***
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
***
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
No Golf Clubs . . . I hear a 3 iron works well. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
***
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England -- but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
***
In Cali, Colombia a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
***
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
***
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet..
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
***
Ciao 4 now!
Golly gosh! Here I are again . . .
ReplyDelete***
Post Surgery Question
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
***
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
***
TTFN!
No, this is not The Parrot Sketch from Monty Python (just a decrepit, dirty old parrot) . . .
ReplyDelete***
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a
defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around
this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot says, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with
one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over . . .'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
***
WAIT FOR IT . . . Okay, ciao for now!
Brief update on Cinderella . . .
ReplyDelete***
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
Fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
Doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.'
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth
I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob,
my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered . . .
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'
***
Now you know. Fairies' nuts do exist!
El Chuxter
A whole plethora of goodies 2day . . .
ReplyDelete***
Larry. It's all about Larry.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
***
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry. 'Giving up?'
***
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
***
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
***
Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked,
'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom . . .'
***
Tiddles or Toodles!
And now, we head off to Down Under . . .
ReplyDelete***
Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: I reckon he' s an accountant.
Eric: No way -- he's a stockbroker.
Phil: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: 'Scuse me . . . No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: Oh! What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: Er . . . Mmm . . . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden,
Phil: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house . . . built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: How's that then?
Suit: Well, from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: What's that then?
Phil: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: Nope.
Phil: Well then, you're a wanker!'
***
Who's yer daddy? L8r!
Bath Time for Bonzo. NOT!
ReplyDelete***
Bath Night
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"
***
Hmmm. Darts. Snooker. Pool. Smoke-filled pubs. Too old fer dat!
From bonnie Scotland . . .
ReplyDelete***
True Friendship SCOTTISH STYLE! (None of that sissy shite)
Are ye tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card. Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.
1. When ye are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.
2. When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.
3. When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When ye are scared -- I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until you're NOT.
5. When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING!
6. When ye’re confused -- I will try to use only wee words.
7. When ye are sick -- Stay the fuck away from me until ye are well again. I don't want whatever ye've got.
8. When ye fall, I will laugh my effin head off at
you, you clumsy arse, but I'll help you up.
9. This is my oath . . . I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of yer closest friends, then get depressed because ye can only think of four.
***
A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:
Bugger.......I forgot what it was....
***
Toodles!
Sans all the pix of scantily-clad ladies, here is some free advice for Tiger Woods . . .
ReplyDelete***
A Seniors advice for Tiger Woods
As we all know, Tiger has returned to golf after a five month hiatus.
We seniors have put together some words of advice he may want to follow.
Senior Wisdom for Tiger --
When you see a woman . . .
And want her badly . . .
Please consider the following:
No matter how beautiful she is . . .
No matter how sexy she is . . .
No matter how seductive she is . . .
No matter how huge her melons are . . .
I forgot where I was going with this . . .
***
Enjoy a gr8 weekend!
Have y'all been good little boyz and gurlz while I've been away? Jolly good!
ReplyDelete***
Marriage
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
And never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
. . . then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
For as long and wherever you want . . .
. . . then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote,
doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies . . .
. . . then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
Warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
. . . then adopt a dog!
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,
doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
Every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
. . . then adopt a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come
When you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
All over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
Comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
Is solely to ensure his happiness . . .
. . . then adopt a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say . . . Marry a man, didn't you?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them!
***
Ciao 4 now!
Fairies. Fairies are good for the environment, make healthy snacks and are good for a giggle. Let us explore this last aspect further . . .
ReplyDelete***
The Fairy and The Immigrant
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Ottawa Immigration Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Canada with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Pakistan where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Toronto with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.'
PING! -- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, a sparkling in-ground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews' playing their music.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Canadians.'
PING! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty Wall-Mart T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said,
'Tough luck. Now that you are Canadian, you're entitled to sweet f*ck all like the rest of us.'
And she disappeared . . .
***
So Fairies really are circular elephants in disguise. Whoda thunk it?
Toodles!
A selection of The World's Greatest and Ongoing Jokes . . .
ReplyDelete***
The University of Hertfordshire recently concluded a research project to find the best jokes in the world. Here they are:
Best Joke in the world
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says:
“OK, now what?“
***
Second Place
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
"But, what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says.
“Someone has stolen our tent!”
***
More l8r!
Further Tales From The Crypt . . .
ReplyDelete***
Top Joke in the US
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
***
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
***
Top joke in Australia
A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:
“Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
“Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight . . .”
***
Top joke in Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it!”
***
Hotdamn I feel good -- l8r g8tors!
. . . and now . . .
ReplyDelete***
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
***
Anyone for emu? Ciao!
To continue . . .
ReplyDelete***
Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off -– go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
***
Top Joke in England
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
***
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
***
And last, but not least…
Top Joke in Scotland
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather . . . not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
***
TTFN!
We move to Professor Sir Jeff Foxworthy . . .
ReplyDelete***
Some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy.
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
***
Goat cheese? Goat milk? Mmmm! Sounds taystee!
Did everyone have an enjoyable weekend? Jolly good!
ReplyDeleteAnd now for further missives . . .
***
HELP WANTED
Lemon Picker Wanted!
The Canadian woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said,
"I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times,owned two Toyota's, three Chrysler's and one Ford, rooted for the Maple Leafs, and I voted for Gordon Campbell."
***
Newfie Humor
A female Mountie pulled over a drunk Newfie fisherman driving home down a back road.
She said, "You're under arrest . . . anything you say, can and will be held against you."
"Tits!" replied the Newfie.
***
Ciao 4 now!
With apologies to . . .
ReplyDelete***
CATHOLIC SHAMPOO
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other,
"Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout."
"I can handle that without a problem," she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. One of the nuns explained,
"We use beer for washing our hair, a shampoo of sort, if you will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said,
"The curlers are on the house."
***
A new Safeway Supermarket just opened in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brauts.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Bud Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
***
Oohhh! Skunk As A Drunk!
A late Saturday night joke on relationships . . .
ReplyDelete***
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not -- don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: Aah SHIT . . .
***
Ciao!
And now, here are Santa's little helpers speeding around the kitchen just in time for Christmas . . .
ReplyDelete***
Kitchen Wisdom
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
***
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Buy "SMASH", mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.
***
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!
***
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
***
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Celery? Never heard of it!
***
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!
***
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Leftover wine?????????? HELLO!!!!!!!
***
Lastly, if you don't forward this to one of your friends within the next five minutes your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.
***
So my butt just butted off to the moon, powered by a large solar flare. Toodles!
Today we have a slightly different take on life . . .
ReplyDelete***
IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"
Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!"
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"
The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
***
For all new age, politically-correct, airheads . . .
There is an annual contest at the University of Arkansas calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was: "Political Correctness."
The winner wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
***
Ta-Ta!
G'day Brucies! Comment ca va?
ReplyDelete***
Man Joke
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent all your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet . . . Fag.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog . . . 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat . . . 'Kitty Kitty Belle, come to daddy, snookums!' Yep, you're queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pig's feet or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably an organ grinder.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. Pumpkin is not a color. If you think so, you are a fruit, just like the damned pumpkin. And if you can name ANY type
of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.
***
Oodles of toodles!
Wot a weekend! And I'm retired to boot! Went to our B-I-L's 50th on Sat. night, had a BBQ Sun. and I'm still recovering!
ReplyDelete***
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who had just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
'I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
***
L8r!
Oh Lord we beseech thee Amen! Monty Python's version of a prayer from the Padre.
ReplyDelete***
There was a small church in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said . . .
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
***
Does anyone remember Abbott and Costello's 'Who's On First?' sketch?
This is a take on it, from dubya, Condi Rice, Yasser Arafat and Kofi Annan.
Guaranteed to have your sides splitting! Turn the sound up and try keeping a straight face!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwaeD0SHbXs
***
L8r Gaytrs!
Unfortunately, the pix aren't included. More's the pity!
ReplyDelete***
OOPS!
This brand spanking new Airbus 340-600, the largest passenger airplane ever built, sits just outside its hangar in Toulouse, France without a single hour of airtime.
Enter the Arab flight crew of Abu Dhabi Aircraft Technologies (ADAT) to conduct pre-delivery tests on the ground, such as engine run-ups prior to delivery to Etihad Airways in Abu Dhabi. The ADAT crew taxied the A340-600 to the run-up area.
Then they took all four engines to takeoff power with a virtually empty aircraft. Not having read the run-up manuals, they had no clue just how [light] an empty A340-600 really is.
The takeoff warning horn was blaring away in the cockpit because they had all four engines at full power. The aircraft computers thought they were trying to take off, but it had not been configured properly (flaps / slats, etc.).
Then one of the ADAT crew decided to pull the circuit breaker on the Ground Proximity Sensor to silence the alarm. This fools the aircraft into thinking it is in the air.
The computers automatically released all the brakes and set the aircraft rocketing forward. The ADAT crew had no idea that this is a safety feature so that pilots can't land with the brakes on.
Not one member of the seven-man Arab crew was smart enough to throttle back the engines from their max power setting, so the $200 million brand-new aircraft crashed into a blast barrier, totaling it!
The extent of injuries to the crew is unknown due to the news blackout in the major media in France and elsewhere.
Coverage of the story was deemed insulting to Muslim Arabs.
Finally, the photos are starting to leak out ..
A French Airbus -- $200 million dollars
Untrained Arab Flight Crew -- $300,000 Yearly Salary
Unread Operating Manual -- $300
AIRCRAFT MEETS RETAINING WALL -- WALL WINS: PRICELESS!
"That's why God gave them camels"!
***
Until whenever, adios!
The Art of Seducing A Lady Into the Sack . . .
ReplyDelete***
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
At 78 -- What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?
According to the Office for National Statistics 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing and one poor ole fart is reading emails.
Y'all hang in there sunshines!
***
Adios 'til the morrow!
The Importance of Being A Speech Therapissed
ReplyDelete***
Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
"So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist.
"Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
"That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."
"How about you, Paddy?"
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London."
"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
***
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!
***
Toodles!
And now, a mix-up with verbalese . . .
ReplyDelete***
10 Finkers
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord -- it's 2010 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
"I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
***
Chizlee out (to lunch)!
We all need a healthy dose of culture in our lives. Not bacterial culture, just regular run-of-the-mill yogurt-style culture.
ReplyDeleteSo the following . . .
***
Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: A Yale graduate, and a Newfoundlander.
They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'. The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:
'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION -- TIMBUKTU'.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.
The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU'!
The Newfie won hands down.
***
Lesser Known Murphy's Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
***
Ciao 4 now!
Ukrainian Stuff . . .
ReplyDelete***
Ukrainian Bank Robber
An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ukraine and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Ukrainian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off,
revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him too.
Everyone, by now, is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Ukrainian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand, clears his throat, and said:
"I think my wife over there may have caught a good glimpse . . .!"
***
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.
I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.
I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”
“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”
=====================
I said, ENJOY!
***
L8r G8rz!
It is difficult being a Legend In My Own Mind. Not only do I have to cope with life (easy), I have to cope with myself (difficult).
ReplyDeleteNever fear, not to worry, wot a pity, never mind!
***
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
***
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
***
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
***
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
***
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
***
Happy Trails!
English TV -- Mrs. Brown -- excuse the rather naughty language! 8:42 clip.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdSaWW9vuow
***
Answer these questions before you look at the answers . . . really interesting.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong answer.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend . . . except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.
***
TTFN!
For us senior men, this is what we can look forward to . . .
ReplyDelete***
Dry Slippers
A very old man goes to a drugstore to buy some Viagra.
"Please may I have six tablets, cut in quarters?"
"I can cut them for you," said Dan the pharmacist. "But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
"I am 96. I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."
***
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and :( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by:
:-) or :-( -- Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?' Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass*hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!
***
Buh-Bye 4 Now!
Greetings from the Frozenagan! This is not sunbathing weather!
ReplyDelete***
T A X I
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the still-shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, 'I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.'
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab . . .
'I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.'
***
Golf vs. Sex
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay". And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,
"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
***
TTFN!
Back to the typewriter . . .
ReplyDelete***
How To Increase Gas Sales
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
***
Truths For Mature Humans
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
***
L8r G8rs!
G'day y'all. Nice to see you again!
ReplyDelete***
Calories are the little shits that get into your closet at night and sew your clothes tighter. My wardrobe is infested with the little bastards!
***
The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter. It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS. Three of my friends have disappeared.
Are you O.K.?
***
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies . . . Quit Laughing.)
***
TTFN!
Heads up, conspiracy theories are flying around and I'm one of them!
ReplyDelete***
UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
***
What is behind the note?
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him with a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.
'There is over five hundred million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.
'Just send the wine back . . .'
***
L8r!
Bluddy frozen and snowing here . . . tell me it's sunny, warm with a light breeze where you are, with palm trees, ocean blue surf . . . oh gawd!
ReplyDelete***
Sayings through the ages
'Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
'I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: -- 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt
'Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.' -- Mark Twain
'The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.' -- George Burns
'Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.' -- Victor Borge
'Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.' -- Mark Twain
'By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.' -- Socrates
'I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.' -- Groucho Marx
'My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.' -- Jimmy Durante
'I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.' -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
'Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.' -- Alex Levine
'My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.' -- Rodney Dangerfield
'Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.' -- Spike Milligan
'Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.' -- Joe Namath
'I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.' -- Bob Hope
'I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.' -- W.C. Fields
'We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.' -- Will Rogers
'Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.' -- Winston Churchill
'Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or ' spread out.' -- Phyllis Diller
'By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.' -- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist' s diet: -- If it tastes good spit it out.
***
Oodles of toodles!
Continuing with the verbal diarrhea . . .
ReplyDelete***
THIS IS FOR ADULTS ONLY.
A bit risque, I know. But you might have someone in mind that you think might get a laugh out of this one. So I'm sending it along for your entertainment.
LARRY IS IN ROOM 232 AT THE HOSPITAL!
Okay, so you're asking,
"Who in the hell is Larry?"
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,
"Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies,
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?!?" she screeched.
"What KIND of tattoo?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?!?" she said, shaking her head in total disgust.
"Why in the world would a grown man get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow."
"Two, once in a while, I enjoy playing with my money."
"Three, I like how money feels in my hand."
"And, best of all, instead of you going shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
As I said, Larry is in room 232 at the hospital
***
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
***
Toodles!
Remember Little Johnny? Hhheeeeeeeeeeeee'z bak!
ReplyDelete***
Little Johnny
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
First kid says, "A computer".
Teacher replies "That would be very useful."
Second kid says, "A car" and gets a similar answer.
Johnny says, "At my house we don't need nuthin'."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Johnny replies, "No, I'm sure."
"When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, 'Well that's all we fucking need'."
***
HUNGRY?
Mario's Cafe in Warren Street, London, do a big breakfast for 10 pounds ($15).
It's 10 eggs, 10 bacon, 10 sausage, 10 toast, 5 black pudding, tomatoes, beans and mushrooms. What, no chips?
Before (no pix) / 20 Minutes later / The breakfast packs in 5,000 calories -- nearly twice the recommended daily intake for an average man.
A spokesman for the British Heart Foundation said: "Eating this amount in one sitting is not a good idea."
No shit Sherlock!
***
Ciao 4 Now!
A delightful WINTER Poem
ReplyDeleteIt's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!
Have a great shoveling the car out of the driveway! . . .
98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SASKATCHEWAN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"
***
Happy Birthday! Our little girl is growing up!
BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
***
I'm only here for a short and great time!
A day or two back, I re-introduced you to Little Johnny (he is doing fine and terrorizing 'hoods all over).
ReplyDeleteToday Little Suzy Creamcheese makes her entrance . . .
***
FREE KITTENS
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm Mr. Campbell. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Campbell.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Liberals," answered Suzy with a smile.
Campbell was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called Colin Hansen and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that Mr. Campbell should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from CBC, CTV, Global and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Campbell got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're New Democrats."
Taken by surprise, Mr. Campbell stammered, "But ... But ... Yesterday, you told me they were LIBERALS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open"
***
2morrow dudes!
A little culture from Oz and China today . . .
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lngBp3sTsho
***
At First I thought this was Richmond
Notice -- No stop signs, no traffic lights, no rules and only occasional use of headlights -- even at night!
Also a Lawyer standing with his camera, pen and pad on every corner.
Proof Asians don't know how to drive! Driving in China:
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=QESfEd180rQ
***
L8r G8rs!
Evening y'all!
ReplyDelete***
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!
The ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something . . .
***
What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common?
They both look good until they hit the ice.
What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs
and a cigarette vending machine?
The vending machine has Players!
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?
They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.
Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post?
They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!
Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team?
Because then Toronto would want one . . .
***
TTFN!
A love letter from Jeff Foxworthy . . .
ReplyDelete***
Forget Rednecks
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
September through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
you may live in Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 km/h through two feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km/h -- you're going 95 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.
If you know all four seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Canada.
(this is my favorite, because how true)
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your friends, you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.
***
Toodles!
A study of the Toronto Maple Laughs, cont'd . . .
ReplyDelete***
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto?
None of them can play hockey.
What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching
the Stanley Cup Playoffs?
The Toronto Maple Leafs.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and Billy Graham have
in common?
They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.
How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard?
Put up a goal net.
What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley
Cup ring?
A thief.
What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How many Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a
Stanley Cup?
Nobody knows . . . and we may never find out.
***
A man says to the bartender,
"Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game here? My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies,
"Normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but it's not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon, the Leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five.
The bartender says,
"Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do when they win a game?"
The man answers,
"No Idea, I've only had him for 3 years."
***
The last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup most of their fans were in diapers. Coincidentally, the next time they win it those same fans will be back in diapers again!
***
Ciao 4 now!
Well heeelllllllllooo there, lexy segs!
ReplyDelete***
DEAR MADAM:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FOR A VIBRATOR FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.
UNFORTUNATELY, YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED ONE AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
WELL, SHIT
***
There were probably many, many times this year when
I may have . . .
Disturbed You,
Troubled You,
Pestered You,
Irritated You,
Bugged You,
Or got on your Nerves!!
So today, I just wanted to tell you . . .
Suck it up Cupcake!!
'Cause there AIN'T NO CHANGES Planned for 2011!!
***
You were marvelous darlings!
The Meaning Of Words . . .
ReplyDelete***
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One -- You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years' Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
***
TTFN!
Who woulda thunk it? 3:13 clip on drunk animals . . .
ReplyDelete***
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ui5MeAqKLU
***
Government Job -- A new perspective on government employment
A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
He replies, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says,
"Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks,
"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
***
Toodles!
Today's entry is so long I have split it into two parts. So . . .
ReplyDelete***
These are important guidelines. I'll be following them to the letter and then some. Really. I'll be adding a great deal onto these minimal guidelines.
CHRISTMAS EATING TIPS
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a Christmas buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
Part 2 continues . . .
Part 2 . . .
ReplyDelete***
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Enjoy a great holiday season!
MERRY CHRISTMAS
***
Ciao!
Irish Logic 101 . . .
ReplyDelete***
A TV INTERVIEW THAT WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND
You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter . . .
The interview was as follows:
The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow disease… Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The farmer stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter (obviously embarrassed) "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information… but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day . . . and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
The program was never aired.
***
'Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch
The pond was froze over and so was the branch.
The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
The kids were all home on vacation from school,
And happier young folks you never did see-
Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.
Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,
There came a surprise that gave them a shock!
The power went off, the TV went dead!
When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.
"Just what I expected," they heard him remark.
"Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago."
"I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom.
"With their light, and the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."
The teenagers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,
Uncased his old fiddle & started to play
That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
Mom started to sing, and first thing they knew
Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.
They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"
Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.
They stayed up till midnight -- and, would you believe,
The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;
And when the kids wakened, the power was on.
"The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"
Said Grandpa -- and no one suspected his trick.
Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!
-anonymous
***
Nighty-night!
As today is the last day of school -- HOORAY! -- it's time to reflect on science . . .
ReplyDelete***'
BIOLOGY CLASS EXAM
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was,
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote . . .
7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.
Note: He got an A.
***
Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother . . ."
***
Can't put the pic in, so use yer imagination!
Hmmmmm . . .
ReplyDelete***
0 - 150 in under four seconds
"You never surprise me", a woman moaned to her long suffering husband.
"Buy me a surprise for Christmas. Something that accelerates from 0 to 150 in under four seconds . . . and I'd prefer a blue one!", she hinted.
Happy and excited she was counting down the days to Christmas.
And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her . . .
Apparently he's dead now; but he died
A legend . . .
***
Government JOBS
Warning . . . This story will only make sense to Canadians.
A young man from Victoria, BC was hired as the lifeguard at the pool at the Prime Minister's residence at 24 Sussex Drive.
The Harper family was making use of the pool when one of their two children encountered some difficulty and cried for help.
The lifeguard ignored the cries, so the Prime Minister himself had to plunge into the pool to rescue the boy.
Afterwards, Harper grilled the lifeguard.
"You ass! Didn't you see that my son was in trouble?"
"Yes, sir, but I can't swim."
"How the hell did you land the job of lifeguard then?"
"I'm bilingual."
***
Buh-bye 4 now!
Hi y'all -- gittin' warm for the weekend; up to plus five (almost spring like! . . .
ReplyDelete***
AUGUSTA, Ga. -- A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia.
Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle the man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.
When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program.
Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.
The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is investigating.
The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw . . . injuries he sustained when he fell trying to run after stabbing the Marine.
***
Toodles!
Top o' ta season ta y'all!
ReplyDelete***
ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT THE PUBLIC GOLF COURSE (Amherst , Mass.)
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 O'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls, but we can give twice as many small balls for the same price.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock in the morning, if possible.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole, how many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, It's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?
***
TTFN!
Y'all had a great Christmas and New Year's?
ReplyDelete***
Redneck Driver’s License Application
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know
***
TTFN!
Further, these are next year's requests . . .
ReplyDeleteDear Santa Claus:
My wish for next year is a big fat bank account and a thin body.
Please don't mix these two up like you did this year!
*Happy New Year***
***
Hi, I hope you don't mind, but we submitted your name for a drawing for a 7-day cruise.
I can assure you that you will not receive any follow-up phone calls and no representative will come to your door. The chance of winning is exceptionally high.
This is a 7-day cruise (7 days and 6 nights) aboard the brand new Dixie Belle of the Gypsy Queen Line.
All flights, transfers, lodging, food and drink (even one dinner at the captain's table as his personal guest!) are included in the prize! I hope you win!
A picture of the Dixie Belle is shown below.
GOOD LUCK!
***
Following the joke are pix of a broken-down trawler, possibly in Louisiana or somewhere similar.
Toodles!
$5.37!
ReplyDeleteThat's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth . . . It's the only planet with chocolate!
***
L8r!
So, who knew?
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Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
***
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So doc, look at this. I too open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and
when I’m finished, they work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when what you and I do is doing basically the same work?"
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic . . .
"Try to do it when the engine is running."
***
Toodles!
Due to technical difficulties, I have been in a terminal trance, fixated on buckets of KFC Original Recipe Chicken, with fries and gallons of gravy. This is the only healthfood I live on now!
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To continue . . .
A 75 year-old lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:
'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'Do you know which ward she is in?'
'Yes, ward P, room 2B'
'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'
'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'
'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'
'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'
'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here!'
***
Math and stuff . . .
This year we experience 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11 & 11/11/11.
But even stranger, take the last two digits of the year you were born and add the age you'll be this year and they add up to 111.
***
Don't know when further jokes are coming in, but I'll post 'em when I get 'em.
Toodles!
Are Great White Sharks killed by lawyers or vice versa? . . .
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The very best lawyer story . . .
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles,
'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer said,
'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
***
Ciao!
. . . and now . . .
ReplyDeleteThe Heart Attack
A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked, lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mommy Mommy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on."
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!'
***
Hasta ;a Pasta!