Wouldst thou be referring to I, La Horny Honky? Ahh, c'est-la-vie or comme cie, comme ca; some Top Secret Drivel Intelligence Conspiracy Theories to assist y'all in your daily endeavours . . .***Good advice from a friend. See below.Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.Sincerely,Tiger Woods***Two Chimps and A BlondeA blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?""Why, yes I am," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?""Not for me. I'll probably be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo."They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.""I'd be happy to," said the blonde.So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off theywent.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps.With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.""Yes sir, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over -- so now we're going to Sea World."***Hot damn, I'm one sexy son of a gun . . . bonne nuit!
Political Pig Swill? I'll leave that to you, Comrade One!I'm only here to pass wind, pass water and pass out! (To be continued . . .)***Adult RiddlesQ. What's a mixed feeling?A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.Q. What's the height of conceit?A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!Q. Why is divorce so expensive?A. Because it's worth it!Q. What is a Yankee?A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?A. Their balls are just for decoration.Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?A. About three inches.Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?A. The grip.Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?A. It's not hard.Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?A: 45 pounds.Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?A: 45 minutes.Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?A: Breasts don't have eyes.Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?A. They don't have balls to scratch!Oh, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.Live long and prosper, laugh hard and love dearly!***Garth is good but here is better!L8r!
Hello, good evening and welcome to my nightmare! Today's topic is . . .Battle of the SexesWOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFASTShe's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.****MARRIAGE SEMINARWhile attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?'****CIGARETTES AND TAMPONSA man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.'So, I figure if I have to roll my own . . . so does she.'(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)****WIFE vs. HUSBANDA couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?''Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'****WORDSA husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day -- 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'***Farewell My Lovelies ('til tomorrow)! . . .BTW, did anyone see the eclipse today? The length of time means it won't happen again for another few thousand years.It's on whatreallyhappened.com. Scroll down till the link appears.
Aahhhmm jes' 2 dam sexee 4 my body . . .Enuff of dat. Heads up folks, outgoing nuke! . . .CREATIONA man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.'God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!****WHO DOES WHATA man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'.****The Silent TreatmentA man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.***Now bak 2 my sexee self again . . .
This just in, and are BBAAAADDDD, so please stay close to your local Mental Health Facility . . .***Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away -- Florida or the moon?"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"***CAR TROUBLEA blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.She asks, "What's the story?"He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor.""How often do I have to do that?"*** SPEEDING TICKETA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you?!"***RIVER WALKThere's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."***AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICEA gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it."Impossible!" said the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?""Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde.""I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."***KNITTINGA highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!""NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"***BLONDE ON THE SUNA Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads."You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"***IN A VACUUMA blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"***FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?""HELLLOOOOOOO . . ." answered the blonde . . . "they're watch dogs!"***Ooohhhmmaaagawd, that was dreadfully awful!
Hello, good grief and welcome! 'Tis I, La Weird One with today's missive . . .Time MachineBarak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 50 years into the future.They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first:"What will the USA be like in 50 years time?"The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries."Gordon thinks, "It's not bad, this time machine. I'll have a bit of that"So he asks: "What will Great Britain be like in 50 years time?"The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it."Come on Gordon" says Barak, "What does it say" Gordon replies, "I can't read it; it's all in Arabic!"***Another Irish Priest Down UnderAn Irish priest, Father O'Malley, was transferred to Queensland Catholic Church and one morning he rose from his bed on a fine spring day in his new parish.He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.The conversation went like this:"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?""And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church."There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn."Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:"Ah, to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."***hairy loves me, hairy loves me not, hairy loves me . . . I miss that old, rambunctious ratfart!
Time for a trip to bonnie Scotland . . .***THE BAGPIPERThis is a beautiful story about a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest.I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,"Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."***A new car (no pix, description only)This Car was designed by VW and built in China. "Another Volkswagen first".This will beat all the low fuel consumption cars in the world!NEW CAR -- FOR $600, New Single Seat VW If you could go to Shanghai for a vacation, buy two or more of these cars, one for your wife and one for yourself, and one for each of your kids, have them shipped to Canada and still spend less money than if you bought a car in Canada.Getting the car(s)into USA , still an ordeal.This is not a toy, not a concept car. It is a newly developed single seat car in highly aerodynamic tear-shape road-proven real car.It is ready to be launched as a single-seater for sale in Shanghai in 2010 for a mere RMB 4,000 (US$600)!Interested? Wait till you learn that it will cruise at 100-120 Km/Hr with an unbelievable 0.99litre/100Km (258 miles/gallon)!Impressed? Totally, after you have read all the details below about the hi-tech and space-age material input into this car!The Most Economic Car in the World will be on sale next year.This is a single seated car.From conception to production: 3 years and the company is headquartered in Hamburg, Germany.Will be selling for 4000 yuan, equivalent to US$600.Gas tank capacity = 1.7 gallonsSpeed = 62 - 74.6 Miles/hourFuel efficiency = 258 miles/gallonTravel distance with a full tank = 404 miles***If more come in, I will pass them on. TTFN!
Do you remember your first? Baconater, yes. Anything else, not my interest!***WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVERIf you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever,first date or not! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst firstdate experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!It was midwinter, snowing and quite cold and he had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah.It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed wasa real gentleman and refrained from peeking.All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.'And you thought your first date was embarrassing? Jay Leno's comment . . .'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.***L8r!
Hullo, good grief and goodnight. Please remain cool, calm and collected.When the pilot lands the plane, please remember to RUN LIKE HELL!***Irish Humor (always cont'd.) . . .Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one -- just had another fight with the little woman.""Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?""When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."***Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?""Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly . . . it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"***Now that would be painful!
An utterly fascinating and completely useless 40 sec. clip of how easy it is for a penguin to beat a human at table tennis. Stunning.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YANe3o1dgG0***Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.They are such assholes.***Don't forget to sign all of your money over to moi!
And now, further math lessons . . .***Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything -- tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'Little Zachary looked at her and said,'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'***Not bad, so TTFN!
As the world is becoming ever more violent and a lot of people (such as yours truly) have become somewhat bored with this short, temporary physical lifecycle, I present Today's Words Of Wisdom to you . . .***Draft Men Over 60This is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier.New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.'If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.*How about recruiting women over 50 -- in menopause! You think men have attitudes! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!If nothing else, put them on border patrol . . . they will have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.***I pass up the opportunity to sign up, as I'm still partially blind in both eyes, crippled and out to lunch on a semi-permanent basis!
Half your days' entertainment is right here on ths blog! The other half follows right after, so . . .All I can say is, WOW!! Great Animation! Click on the link below.http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA#t=20***Where Politicians Come From (no, they are neither born nor made!) . . .A woman went to her Doctor for advice.She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea."Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked."Actually yes, I do.""Does it hurt you?""No. I rather like it.""Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."The woman was mystified."What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?""Of course," the doctor replied."Where do you think politicians come from!!"***Hep me massa! Hep me! I exploding in delirium!
2nite the study of Globalization is examined, then digested like a rice pudding . . .***HERE'S A LESSON FOR YOU; BET YOU NEVER KNEW THIS (LOL)A definition of globalization that can understand and to which I now can relate:Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?Answer: Princess Diana's death.Question: How come?Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates' technology and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals . . .That, my friends, is Globalization!***It also helps to understand that Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Elmo are, in fact, Stalin, dubya and Bozo the Clown in real life.Do I know what I'm talking about?!
Sumtyms eye jes' kan't standy myself. Aaahhh is sooo cooooool, good lookin' and full of shit I'm unbelievable!Pay atenshun, klas . . .***The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women10. You can trade an old 45 for a new 22.9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times.7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo!5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.4. Guns function normally every day of the month.3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman . . .1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!***WHAT THEY COULD GET IN THE OLDEN DAYS!Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days."When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs."Ya' can't do that now.Too many f*&),@$#n' security cameras."***Wwweeeellll toodle-ooohhh!
And now a word or two from our sponsor (god) . . .URGENT WARNING -- ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH NEXT WEEK AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE!***"Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid." -- John Wayne***Rude customer . . . for those of us who fly from time to time (or work with the public)For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers --An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna, for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 737s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have your attention please, " she began -- her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal."We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*%^ you!"Without flinching, she smiled and said (I love this bit),"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."***2morrow, honkies and honkyettes!
I figured that this was just too beautiful not to share . . ."Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."Hooots mon, dinna it bring a tear to your eye?***Technically, the following is a blonde joke, but it can be applied to plenty of others . . .During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond was using the following password:MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWhen asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.***Concerns the fake A-H1N1 PigBirdHuman Flu Virus . . .The big bad Wolf said, "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."The little piggy said "F*&$% off or I'll sneeze on you."***Oh this hurts 2 much. Therapissed time, then more 2morrow!
We have all heard tales about The Teahouse, The Coffeehouse and The Flowerhouse, but now, for the very first time, a romantic yarn about growing up, between a boy, his father and . . .The OuthouseOnce there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer and freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large stick and started pushing.Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It Was you, wasn't it son?"The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree***Is he lucky or in trouble? Retirement At 65 Upon reaching 65, I decided to retire. After having me under foot for a few months,my wife became very agitated with me.She suggested I go and do something to occupymy time, like join a club or get a hobby. I obliged and went out for a couple of hours.When I got home my wife asked about my day and I replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.""What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?""Yeah, look I even got a membership card.""You crazy old coot, where's your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!""Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"***Hmmmm. An Outhouse and a Whorehouse. What's the difference?!
Further to yesterday's romantic twist of a tale, of a young boy growing up in an outhouse, our attention spans are swiftly deflected away to a little girl . . .Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?''Osama Bin Laden,' she says.'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.'And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.''I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Special Forces could shoot the asshole!'***Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and DaughterThis one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day. ***I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysNo crap, really? Ya think?***Whoa mama, more l8r!
Back to front, inside out and upside down. Where the hell are we?***HI THERE!Thought For The Day'Good lookscatch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart.You're blessed with both!'Don't be flattered, this message was sent to ME!I just wanted YOU to read it.Tag You are it.Pass it on to people who you think are blessed with both.I just did.***The Pope and Gordon CampbellThe Pope and Gordon Campbell are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.The Pope leans towards Mr. Campbell and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?'This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in your 2010 Olympics, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"Campbell replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."So the Pope backhanded the bastard.***Until whever, au revoir!
Botox4Brains. Now a look into the marvels of medicine . . .***A teacher noticed that the little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.He was told to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.***Interesting StatisticSince singer Susan Boyle, 48 (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV, there's been an 80% drop in suicide bombings.Apparently many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like.Now that's mean!***Ciao for Now PuddyTats!
Down Under today for some not-so helpful hints . . .A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry, and that he was going to get a drink from the river.The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'So the koala looked down at him and said,'Fuuuuuuck, dude . . . how much water did you drink!?'***Four Worms Church SermonFor those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!Four worms and a lesson to be learned!A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.Four worms were placed into four separate jars.The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:The first worm in alcohol -- DeadThe second worm in cigarette smoke -- DeadThird worm in chocolate syrup -- DeadFourth worm in good clean soil -- Alive.So the Minister asked the congregation:What did you learn from this demonstration?Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'That pretty much ended the service.***Thus endeth today's valuable lesson -- Don't Drink and Drive, Smoke Shit and Fly!
Greetings, fellow playtoys! I'm in the mood . . . for a little fun! First, a mathematical brain-teaser . . .How old is Grandpa?Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.The grandpa replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:'Television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.'There were no credit or debit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.Your grandmother and I got married first, then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.'And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.'We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.'We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.'Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.'Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.'Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -- not purchasing condos.'We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.'We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.'And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. 'If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.'The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.'Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.'We had 5 and 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.'Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.'And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.'You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.'In my day: grass was mowed, coke was a cold drink, pot was something your mother cooked in and rock music was your grandmother's lullaby.'Kids' were helpers in the Principal's office, chip meant a piece of wood, hardware was found in a hardware store and software wasn't even a word.'And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.'No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap. And how old do you think I am?'I bet you have this old man in mind . . . you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and sad at the same time. Are you ready?This man would be only 59 years old!***I'm an old fart (54), so please ignore my constant ramblings!TTFN!
Starting off today is a terribly rough, violent debate which needs cunning and surprise to get oneself out of a pickle . . .***A Newfie walks into a bar and he realizes it's a gay bar, but what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the Newfie, "What's the name of your weewee?"The Newfie says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee."Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies'."The Newfie looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.The Newfie asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex.""Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"A little shaken, he turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One."Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock'." and gives a wink.Even more shaken, he has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name.He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."The bartender begins to pour him a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"He says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.***THE BLONDE PAINTER This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is okay.She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .You'll love this . . . Yep -- I know you will . . .'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'***Ooohhhh, that was REALLY bad!
A new play on an old favorite, or vice-versa. It's too complicated for a tiny brainn like mine to sort out! . . .***You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on . . .If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.ABBOTT: Mac?COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer?COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.ABBOTT: Mac?COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.ABBOTT: What about Windows?COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?ABBOTT: Wallpaper.COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.ABBOTT: Software for Windows?COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?ABBOTT: Office.COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did.COSTELLO: You just did what?ABBOTT: Recommend something.COSTELLO: You recommended something?ABBOTT: Yes.COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes.COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?ABBOTT: Office.COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word.COSTELLO: What word?ABBOTT: Word in Office.COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money.COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?ABBOTT: Money.COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money.COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?ABBOT: One copy.COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!(A few days later)ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?ABBOTT: Click on 'START' . . .***Do y'all understand that? I don't!
Back to the inevitable Battle Of The Sexes . . .Pants and PantiesMike was going to be married to Carol so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said,'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Carol, 'Here, try these on.'She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'Then Carol took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'Carol said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'***MY NEW TRUCKI bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen,the prime minister of Canada."Damn I love this truck . . .***Right on -- my sentiments exactly!
Wunse upon a time, there were two children called Little Johnnie and Little Susie.LJ had a habit of pulling naughty ones on LS . . .Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?''Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.''That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'cause he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'.***SPEEDING TICKETBOY, THERE ARE DAYS THAT I COULD TRUTHFULLY USE THIS EXCUSE . . .Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?Makes perfectly good sense to me . . .Just remember: We'll be FRIENDS until we are old and senile. Then we'll be NEW FRIENDS!***Th-th-th-that's all fer now, folks!
Bet you thought I had died and gone to hell, didn't you? Well I did and it was too nice a place for me to stay, so I was booted out back to this dump!3:45 clip of a fairly new sport, and the scenery is quite nice.http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com&show_titl***Detroit FarmsA teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit.***Wot's up, Spock? Back l8r!
Been busy these past few days, mainly sunning myself and waiting for more jokes to come in.So, sound up for the blonde antelope (note the lions don't have too much to do) . . .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AH1YXpc3WiQ***Walterhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3h4vmt8Pk6Y&feature=fvst***L8r y'all!
This is a fair reflection of politicians of all stripes (particularly applies to Nancy Pelosi) . . .***Dumb as a box of RocksA VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?''Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.''What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote, their vote equals ours, and they also reproduce.***But this leads to further questions, such as:Is it physically possible for bimbos / morons to reproduce? They might better be paired off with an alien from another universe!
Settle down now. We've all had occasion to come across stupid people, and they are to be pitied while the rest of us roll uncontrollably on the floor, laughing hysterically until crying.For thy entertainment, please read on . . .***NEW YORK- resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and familyWhen she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'After being introduced to the show's hostMeredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'A) A PeanutB) An ElephantC) The MoonD) Hey, who you calling large?Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer.'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,As Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon.However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans.'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call.'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds Hun.'Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice.'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.'So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of Answer C, 'The Moon.'Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut.'So, let's see . . . I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant . . . final answer.'Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -- and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'Caution . . .they walk among us!***This is too much to bear!
This is Not, I repeat George Orwell's famous doublespeak, but it's not too far off, either . . .****Think before you speakHere are six reasons why you should think before you speak. Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back . . . or that you could crawl into a hole?Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.#1 -- I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word . . . he knew better!#2 -- I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'.#3 -- My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.#4 -- While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange; even the tellers stopped what they were doing.I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.#5 -- Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room.While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven- month-old daughter, she was clean.I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?''No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!#6 -- This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!***Of course, none of these have ever happened to moi!
It is good to step back, take a time out to reflect on the better aspects of life, whatever they mean to each of us as individuals.For this particular gentleman, life becomes quite simple . . .***Worlds shortest fairy taleOnce upon a time, a guy said to a girl 'Will you marry me?'The girl said, 'NO!'And the guy lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting, played golf a lot and drank beer, scotch andhad tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.The end***This is a self-help tip . . .Who Is Your Real Friend?This really works! If you're unsure, just try this experiment:Lock your partner and dog in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?***Contemplate on that for a year or two. No thanks required!
You've all heard about "putting your foot in your mouth", then reaping the rewards.Well, this is not CEO's gone wild, but . . .***Wow! Off to a good start, that new CEO!If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"The CEO said, "Wait right here". He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,"Here's four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"From across the room a voice said,"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."***A frog walks into a bank . . .A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says,"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"(folks, you're gonna luv this, but say it slowly) . . .The bank manager looks back at her and says . . ."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are!)Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!***Eye reelleee ham jes' 2 sexc 4 mai body!
A new variation on the theme of parking one's bicycle. From Down Under -- where else?!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwr8xDiODDo***Sorry about the capital letters in the following, but this is a blond joke.A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLOND IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.SHE THEN TELLS THE BLOND THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M CEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLOND BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLOND AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.THE BLOND REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLOND WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLOND? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLOND. I SPEAK BLOND."HE WALKS BACK TO THE BLOND AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS."I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO".***More l8r!
I'm in the process of trying to weasel a three-quadrillion dollar mortgage on a trailer which doesn't exist.If I get it, I'll buy Canada, fire the politicos and live a wonderful life of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.Now back to reality . . .***British Humour . . .A big earthquake with the strength of 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.The rest of the world is in shock.The USA is sending troops to help, Saudi Arabia is sending oil, Latin American countries are sending supplies, New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops, the Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure and Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.***Important -- THESE REALLY WORK!I checked this out on Snopes and it’s for real!AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE -- WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.***L8r G8trs!
I know this ain't a political blog, but what the hell . . .***While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance."Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.""Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator."I'm sorry, but we have our rules."And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly person who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him."Now it's time to visit heaven."So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns."Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder."I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time."Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"The devil looks at him, smiles and says,"Yesterday we were campaigning . . . Today you voted."***Ask Garth wot it's like being a politician!
Today we investigate and look at the dietary supplements and tools used by Newfies, and see if it can be applied to other species . . .***A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?''Yes', he nodded.'I'll tell you though, Lard tunderin' Jesus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat third day.''From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.'No, from the fuckin' skippin'.***Airport security solutionTHIS IS THE BEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD IN A LONG TIME. SOMEONE SHOULD SEND IT TO THE GOVERNMENT.An engineer (ex-NASA project director) has what I think is the near perfect solution for airport security!*Subject: **Problem solved for airport and federal building security**Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.It would be a win-win situation for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.Justice would be quick and swift!*Case Closed!****Lard tunderin' Jeezus -- what an astonishingly brilliant idea!
Always respect badges, no matter where they may be located . . .***The Power of a Badge . . . .A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher,"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher."See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . ."Your badge . . . Show him your fucking BADGE!"***Age versus Youth, or the F16 vs. C-130 (pix not included)A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'Watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'The moral of the story is:When you are young and foolish -- speed and flash may seem a good thing!When you get older and smarter -- comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!Us older folks understand this one.***2morrow or whenever I'm jes' chillin', hangin' with my friends!
Today the focus is on individuals who are "unclear on the concept" (of life).E.G., an individual on the game show "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" was asked this question (fairly easy to answer):"What is George W. Bush's first name?"Stammering, sputtering and thinking for a while, the person responded George.Now to continue . . .One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'Someone looked up at the sky and said -- 'Where?'They walk among us!***I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.The woman there smiled and told me not to worrybecause she was a trained professional andsaid I was in good hands.'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'I work with professionals like this.They Walk Among Us!***While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'They Walk Among Us!***Gawd, I hope I'm not one of them!
A look at the spiritual side of life (sorry for all the caps.) . . .I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!Las Vegas churches accept gambling chipsTHIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.***Confucius say . . .If you can't find the book you wantYou're probably shopping at theWONG FOOKING BOOK STORE***That was so bad, it actually hurts!
A different one. I contemplated for so long on this that I lost 28 lbs. in three weeks of doing nothing. However, it's time to share . . .The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!1 This is this cat.2. This is is cat.3. This is how cat.4. This is to cat.5. This is keep cat.6. This is an cat.7. This is old cat.8. This is fart cat..9. This is busy cat10. This is for cat.11. This is forty cat.12. This is seconds cat.Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.Betcha' you can't resist passing it on.Life is Good!***Pix not included . . .When you see a woman . . .And want her badly . . .Please consider the following:No matter how beautiful she is;No matter how sexy she is;No matter how seductive she is;No matter how cute and sweet she is;No matter how huge her knockers are . . .I forgot what I was going to say.***L8r, boyz!
An oldie but a goodie . . .***The FluI'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern.3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.Next year is the year of the cock . . . Anybody else worried?***Turn Down The Volume, PleaseNoisy British lover loses sex appealA British woman lost her appeal Tuesday against a ban on her noisy sex sessions, after a court heard how her marathon romps that kept neighbours awake sounded like someone being murdered.Caroline and Steve Cartwright's "howling" lovemaking sounded "unnatural", "hysterical" and "like they are both in considerable pain", Newcastle Crown Court in northeast England heard.A 10-minute recording of their sex sessions was played out in court, which also heard how she tried covering her face with a pillow to muffle her cries of passion.Neighbours at their home in Washington, south of Newcastle, complained about the noise -- as did passers-by and the postman.The couple were banned from "shouting, screaming or vocalisation at such a level as to be a statutory nuisance", but Caroline Cartwright, 48, appealed under human rights laws against her conviction for breaching the ban.However, a judge on Tuesday upheld the original conviction and ordered that the banning order should stay.Caroline Cartwright said she was unable to stop the din."I tried to control it. I even tried to use a pillow (over her own face) to try and lessen the noise," she said.The judge, Recorder Jeremy Freedman, rejected her claim."We are in no doubt whatsoever about the level of noise that can be heard in neighbouring properties, in the street and in the back lane," he said."It certainly was intrusive and constituted a statutory nuisance. It was clearly of a very disturbing nature and it was also compounded by the duration -- this was not a one-off, it went on for hours at a time."It is further compounded by the frequency of the episode -- virtually every night."We do not find there is any infringement of her human rights in any shape or form."The romps typically started at midnight and lasted several hours, the judge heard.The couple's next-door neighbour Rachel O'Connor told court: "It's just quite unnatural."The noise sounds like they are both in considerable pain."I cannot describe the noise. Totally excessive and I have never, ever heard anything like it."I put my television in my bedroom on as loud as it could go and they drown it out."The local council set up special equipment in O'Connor's flat and recorded noise levels of between 30 to 40 decibels, peaking at 47 -- as loud as a conversation in the very same room.Marion Dixon, a council environmental health manager, took notes which said: "I heard a male voice howling loudly, which I felt was very unnerving."Her colleague Pamela Spark called the sounds "hysterical, almost continuous, just screaming."I found it very disturbing and I noted that it sounded like she was being murdered."Dixon said when the council confronted the couple, "Mr Cartwright held his head in his hands but Mrs Cartwright seemed to find it quite amusing."***More when it comes!
Today we will take a philosophical look at life, death and the meaning of life (sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll excluded) . . .***Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said, "You know, if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."***In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex was destroyed by a fire.A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too all perished in the fire.Six LA Hispanic Gangbangers, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera.They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?The fire chief said, "They were at work."***Enjoy the day!
We travel to a call centre in the far east . . .Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said,"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, "Make a sentence using thewords Yellow, Pink and Green."Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said,"The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar'."Mujibar now works as a technician at a callcenter for computer problems.No doubt you have spoken to him. I have."***Roofpreading is a fying dart . . .Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and DaughterThis one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.***I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says -- No crap, really? Ya think?***Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers -- Now that's taking things a bit far!***Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over -- What a guy!***Miners Refuse to Work after Death -- No 'good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant -- See if that works any better than a fair trial!***TGIF! L8r!
More from yesterday to be continued tomorrow, but for now . . .This one is good for a chuckle!LADY'S YEARLY EXAMI went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics."How much do you weigh?" she asked."145," I said. The nurse put me on the scale.It turns out my weight is 190.The nurse asked, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I said.The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5'6"She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high."Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.***"War Dims Hope for Peace" -- I can see where it might have that effect!***"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile" -- Ya think?!***"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures" -- Who would have thought!***"Enfield - London -- Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide" -- They may be on to something!***"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges" -- You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?***"Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge" -- He probably IS the battery charge!***Honky white trash, c y'all whenever!
And Now For Something Completely Different . . .***Peace In Our Time, at LastThe Ottawa Citizen reported today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the:Saskatchewan Redneck Special Forces (SRSF)These all Saskatchewan boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan, and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists:1. The season opened today.2. There is no limit.3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.5. They are directly responsible for the 13th man on the field on Grey Cup day.Ottawa expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.***The Final Edition . . ."New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group" - Weren't they fat enough?! ***"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft" -- That's what he gets for eating those beans!***"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks" -- Do they taste like chicken?***"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half" -- Chainsaw Massacre all over again!***"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors" -- Boy, are they tall!***And the winner is . . ."Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead" -- Did I read that right?***Toodles!
Jes' came in . . .Mama and Four SonsFour Ukrainian brothers left the village for the university. They became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.Some years later, they chatted after having a nice dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mama who lived far away.The first, Ivan, said, "I had a big house built for Mama."The second, Slavko, said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."The third, Myroslav, said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to Mama."The fourth, Andrij, said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well."I met our priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. He told me it took 12 years to teach him."I had pledged to contribute $100,000 a year for three years to the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, but it was worth it."Now, Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."The other brothers were impressed. After Christmas Mama sent out her thank-you notes. She wrote:"Ivan, the house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks dear anyway.""Slavko, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound. It holds 50 people but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.""Myroslav, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.""Dearest Andrij, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift."The chicken was delicious! Thank you and have a great day, Mama."***A Blonde Strikes With Deadly ForceA blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.''Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing . . . I'm going to buy it!'So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? \'Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'The blond replied . . .'Two popsicles and some coffee.'***Groan! TTFN!
Top 10 Most Expensive Car Crashes -- What a shame! (No pix)10. Bugatti EB110 . . . $500,000This 1992 $500,000 super-exotic Bugatti EB110 was being driven by a mechanic as part of its annual checkup.He claims there was an oil slick on the road which caused him to lose control and crash into a pole. The owner of the Bugatti is a famous "feel good" guru named Emile Ratelband.Not sure how good he was feeling after this wreck.9. Pagani Zonda C12 S . . . $650,000Only 15 Zonda C12 S were ever built, but that didn't stop this owner from driving it like a mad hatter.He crashed this beauty in the wee morning hours while driving in Hong Kong.8. Mercedes Benz SL 300 . . . $950,000The SL 300 "Gullwing" represents the very finest of Mercedes. The owner thoughtit would be a good idea to race this million dollar car on the streets of Mexico, at theannual "La Carrera Panamericana" race -- limited to classic cars produced before 1965.7. Jaguar XJ220 . . . $1.1 MillionThe XJ220 once held the record for highest top speed for a production car (217 mph).6. Ferrari Enzo . . . $1.3 MillionThe most famous Ferrari Enzo crash (shown above) was at Malibu, California in 2005, when the driver, "Fat Steven" Eriksson crashed the car at 196 mph.5. Bugatti Veyron . . . $1.6 MillionThe Bugatti Veyron is the most expensive production car in history. Only 300 areexpected to be produced, and already two have crashed. Above is the first one.The driver thought it was okay to speed at 100 mph in the rain. He only had the car for one week.4. 1959 Ferrari 250 GT TDF . . . $1.65 MillionThis extremely rare classic car, the 1959 Ferrari 250 GT "Tour de France", crashedinto a wall at the Shell Ferrari-Maserati Historic Challenge in 2003.3. Ferrari 250 GT Spyder . . . $10.9 MillionThe record price for a 1961 250 GT California Spyder at auction was set on May 18, 2008 when a black one was sold for $10,894,900.So what is one doing buried in the sand? The unlucky owner had it stored near the beach when a Hurricane hit.2. Ferrari 250 GTO . . . $28.5 MillionThe 1962-64 Ferrari 250 GTO became the most valuable car in the world. In 2008 ananonymous English buyer bought a 250 GTO at auction for a record $28.5 Million.The crash above represents a car worth more than the combined value of all 14 Enzos (see #6 above) involved in accidents.After a track event involving historic cars, the owner rammed into the back of another car after traffic slowed down.1. Tiger Wood's Escalade . . . $55 million and rising.The most expensive car crash ever? Final estimate to be determined by Elin Nordegren!
Ay 'dere. Dis is me. Blondes have no mercy . . .Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death at a drive-in movie?They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.' ***A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened.So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.The roommate rolled her eyes and said,'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'***Bye bye!
A clearer understanding of the work force through dog's eyes . . .Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.To show off, the engineer called to his dog, “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a square, circle and triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But, the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He then divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-oz. glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.The three men turned to the government worker and said, “What can your dog do?”The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a crap on the paper, had sex with the other three dogs. Then Coffee Break claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker’s compensation and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.They all agreed that dog was bloody brilliant.***Now we know why this really IS a dog's life! No taxes to pay, just eat, sleep and be merry!
And now, Ponder these bits of reality . . . HmmmYOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF . . .1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.3. You have more wives than teeth.4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.***Next one follows (not enough space) . . .
What I Want In A Man! Original List: 1. Handsome2. Charming3. Financially successful4. A caring listener5. Witty6. In good shape7. Dresses with style8. Appreciates finer things9. Full of thoughtful surprisesRevised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking2. Opens car doors, holds chairs3. Has enough money for a nice dinner4. Listens more than talks5. Laughs at my jokes6. Carries bags of groceries with ease7. Owns at least one tie8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal9. Remembers birthdays and anniversariesRevised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally4. Nods head when I'm talking5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down10. Shaves most weekendsRevised List (age 52)1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public3. Doesn't borrow money too often4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear8. Appreciates a good TV dinner9. Remembers your name on occasion10. Shaves some weekendsRevised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children2. Remembers where bathroom is3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep4. Only snores lightly when asleep5. Remembers why he's laughing6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself7. Usually wears some clothes8. Likes soft foods9. Remembers where he left his teeth10. Remembers that it's the weekendRevised List (age 72)1. Breathing.2. Doesn't miss the toilet.***Gr8 ouikend y'all!
An apt day for reviewing how to treat a gossip in church . . .***Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon.She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home . . . and left it there all night.(Gotta love Frank!)***After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said:"Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl."Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman."It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!***Which reminds me -- I'm way overdue for ANY crisis!
An overview today of both sexes in combination with lion taming (not recommended for the faint of heart) . . .***A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"The tough old golfer replies,"No problem, just get that lion out of there."***Not only is a free pet rock included with every purchase, you also get to watch a great (but banned) commercial. Listen for the English commentator's voice toward the end.http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=167455Further, this is a new variation on the blond theme. Sound up for both!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnsnLTKig6Q***L8r, dudes et dudettes!
In speaking of those Crazy Candlearbras Canuckleheads . . .***A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some azzhole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy,'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?''Canada, sir,' the boy replied.'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.''Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.''No shit?' replied the boy.'Who'd she play for?'***(Not sure if this will work)You are driving in a car at a constant speed.On your left side is a 'drop off', (the ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you . . .In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.[* Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed.*]***Waa-haayyyy! Oodles of toodles!
After yesterday's delightful debacle of another St. Patrick's Day, when 13-leaved limericks, leprechauns and I were romancing each other, it is now time to return to the grindstone. So . . .***Why the English wore red coats in battleA long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked,'Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?'In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.***Doctor's Office and a SNOOTY RECEPTIONISTAn older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.He approached the receptionist's desk, and gave her his name.In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'***L8r, soldiers!
Just checking to see if you give a rat's ass about anything today.Give-A- Fuck-OmoterNope! Barely moved for me either!***The importance of planningOne night four college students were partying until late and did not study for a test, which was scheduled for the next day.In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test.The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms.They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days . . .The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks.Q. 1. Which tire? a) Front Left b) Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right***If I ever recover from this brutally nice sunshine and warm spring season, I'll be back 2mrow!
Today a Psychological Study On The Effect Haircuts Have On Bald People . . .***One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."The M.P. was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen M.P.'s lined up waiting for a free haircut.And that, my friends illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians we elected to run it!***Warning to CanadaThis morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned Canada that if military action against Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Canada's supply of convenience store managers.And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Bell Canada customer service reps and Roger's Internet tech supports.It's getting ugly out there.***Mercy! Gotta run!
Splendor in the grass . . . are we all smoking the same stuff? Jes' a wunnerfull day here dans l'Okanagan. But there is much work to do with postings of jokes . . .***A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.Dear Dad:It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion . . . Dad, she's pregnant.Stacy said that we will be very happy.She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.Love, JohnPS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.I love you.Call me when it's safe to come home.***Remember Maxine? The old devil is still around. This is a belated St. Paddy's Day for all of us from all of her:May the wind at your backNot be the result ofthe corned beef and cabbageyou had for lunch.***Fart on, 'bro!
Starting off today with a bunch of hypnotizing facts and figures via an e-mail from a buddy (yes, I do count Romulans, Cardassians and humans among my friends!) . . .Get ready for an eye-opener. It shows why we are feeling so overwhelmed!Sony played this at its annual shareholders meeting this year. It is amazing!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9Wu2kWwSY***And A Happy Saint Pat's Day To YaSix retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,"Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse."Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares,"Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.""Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife."I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.***I'm going bananananas and you're not! FREAK OUT!
Hello, good grief and good god. Discussion today centers on strange things. So . . .You Type . . . She speaks . . . Turn up the volume.She will say anything you type. When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer.When you write something in the left space and then click on 'Say it,' she says it!You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/tts_example.php?sitepal***Are You Lonesome Tonight? Well . . .http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=SfPgSzcu9RY***Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door."Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've got somethin' to tell ya.""Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?""That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.""I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?""Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."***Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"She says, "That he did, Father."The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?""She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun'. . ."***Be good, boyz 'n' girlz!
HAH! No one expects the spanish inquisition! Betcha figured I had died and was living on the other side! NOT A CHANCE! Just a brief time out, that's all.A long one (true) which has to be split into two posts. So . . .GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS . . .Garter snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.Terrified, she let out a very loud scream.The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the husband broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.The neighbor, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here . . .(continued) . . .
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.And that's when he shot her.***Nighty night!
Good Golly Miss Mollie! Today's wonderful relaxation therapy consists of the following . . .***This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.A lady recently died, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.Here is the exchange:Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'FM: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'CB: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'FM: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'CB: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'FM: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'CB: 'Excuse me?'FM: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'CB: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'Supervisor gets on the phone:FM: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a zero balance.'CB: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'FM: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'CB: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'FM: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given.)CB: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'FM: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given.)(continued in following entry) . . .
After they get the fax:CB: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'FM: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'CB: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)FM: 'Would you like her new billing address?'CB: 'That might help.'FM: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'CB: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'FM: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'Priceless! You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!***Enjoy a gay day!
Well whaddya know? I are bak agin, so for your perusal . . .The $2.99 SpecialWe went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.''Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.'YES!' stated the waitress.'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS! WE'VE been around the block more than once!***This gives new meaning to the phrase "Honey would you go outside and warm up the truck for me."These were taken this past weekend (3/12/2010) outside of Courtenay, BC. Courtenay is 70 miles north of Nanaimo on the Island Highway, (Vancouver Island).[PIX]She is such a fraidycat . . . These are cougars, for anyone who hasn't seen one. Once you have seen that tail, you won't forget it.***TTFN! Sorry couldn't supply pix for last one.
And now . . .Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"The guy says, "Martini."The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,"What's your IQ?"The guy says, "168."The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"The guy says, "Martini."Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,"What's your IQ?"The guy says, "100."The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?"The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"The guy says, "Uh, about 50."The robot leans in real close and says,"So,are you people still happy for who you voted for?"***BalanceGod was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day.He inquired, "Where have you been?"God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?""It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth. It's going to be a place to test Balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?""That's the Province of Ontario, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and beaches. The people from the Ontario are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."God smiled, "There's Toronto! Wait till you see the hockey team I put there."***Bak l8r!
I'm now beyond being too humanly sexy for this body . . . well not really!***I wrote a Biology exam last week. One of the questions was, “Name something commonly found in a cell!”Apparently Indians is the wrong answer!***Get ready for an eye-opener. It shows why we are feeling so overwhelmed!Sony played this at its annual shareholders meeting this year. It is amazing!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9Wu2kWwSY***Lore mater!
Today, a far more concise look at how to keeep in ladies' good books. Ladies, you already know this, so don't bother reading! . . .***The Female Demerit SystemIn the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.Here is a guide to the point system:SIMPLE DUTIESYou make the bed (+1)You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)But return with Beer (-5)You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)You pummel it with iron rod (+10)It's her pet (-20)SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTSYou stay by her side the entire party (0)You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)Named Tina (-10)Tina is a dancer (-20)Tina has silicone implants (-80)HER BIRTHDAYYou take her out to dinner (+2)You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)A NIGHT OUTYou take her to a movie (+1)You take her to a movie she likes (+3)You take her to a movie you hate (+6)You take her to a movie you like (-2)It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)YOUR PHYSIQUEYou develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)THE BIG QUESTIONShe asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)You hesitate in responding (-10)You reply, "Where?" (-35)Any other response (-20)COMMUNICATIONWhen she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)***Yours sadly, I, Charlesius!
Happy Easter! Today the topic is focused on one individual, and the variety of thoughts which flow freely . . .***There are three good arguments that Jesus was black:1. He called everyone brother2. He liked Gospel3. He didn't get a fair trialBut then, there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:1. He went into His Father's business2. He lived at home until he was 333. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was GodBut then, there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:1. He talked with His hands2. He had wine with His meals3. He used olive oilBut then, there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:1. He never cut His hair2. He walked around barefoot all the time3. He started a new religionBut then, there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:1. He was at peace with nature2. He ate a lot of fish3. He talked about the Great SpiritBut then, there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:1. He never got married2. He was always telling stories3. He loved green pasturesBut, the most compelling evidence of all -- three proofs that Jesus was a woman:1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it3. And, even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do***WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSEDMen Are just happier people -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.Wedding dress $3500; Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. One mood all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.Your underwear is $3.99 for a three-pack. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.You can play with toys all your life. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.No wonder men are happier.Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!***L8r g8rs!
Well it's goodnight from me, and it's good morning from him! Got my time zones mixed up. Posted this last night, long after you had all gone beddy-byes but before I woke up.Do I sound confused? You betcha!***Canadians should be proud of this. Others may enjoy the new found knowledge, and yes we do have immigration!Once in a while someone does a nice job of describing a Canadian, this time it was an Australian dentist. An Australian Definition of a Canadian, in case anyone asks you who a Canadian is . . .You probably missed it in the local news, but there was a report that someone in Pakistan had advertised in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed a Canadian -- any Canadian.An Australian dentist wrote the following editorial to help define what a Canadian is, so they would know one when they found one.A Canadian can be English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek.A Canadian can be Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, Arab, Pakistani or Afghan.A Canadian may also be a Cree, Métis, Mohawk, Blackfoot, Sioux, or one of the many other tribes known as native Canadians.A Canadian's religious beliefs range from Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu or none. In fact, there are more Muslims in Canada than in Afghanistan.The key difference is that in Canada they are free to worship as each of them chooses. Whether they have a religion or no religion, each Canadian ultimately answers only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugsclaiming to speak for the government and for God.A Canadian lives in one of the most prosperous lands in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms which recognize the right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.A Canadian is generous and Canadians have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.Canadians welcome the best of everything, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services and the best minds.But they also welcome the least -- the oppressed, the outcast and the rejected.These are the people who built Canada. You can try to kill a Canadian if you must as other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world have tried but in doing so you could just be killing a relative or a neighbour.This is because Canadians are not a particular people from a particular place. They are theembodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, can be a Canadian.***Enuff for 2day!
No explanation is necessary . . .***SKINNY DIPPINGAn elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'Some old men can still think fast.***Coyote PopulationThe Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population.It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again.Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep -- they're eatin' 'em!'You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!Check out following photo:***No pic supplied here, but it was a nice one!TTFN!
And now, a brief summary of near-death experiences . . .***A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"(You'll love this)God replied: "I didn't fuckin' recognize you."***When you see a woman and want her badly, please consider the following . . .ADVICE FROM AN OLD MANNo matter how beautiful she is . . .No matter how sexy she is . . .No matter how seductive she is . . .No matter how cute and sweet she is . . .No matter how huge her melons are . . .I forgot what I was going to say.***Ummmm, yes. What WAS I going to blabber on about?
Today the focus is on talking dogs . . .If you keep doin' what you've always done,you'll keep gettin' what you've always got!Dog for saleA guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.'You talk?' he asks.'Yep,' the Lab replies.After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.'I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.'Ten dollars,' the guy says.'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?''Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.'***Pure Logic (Spock would be proud)The Irish MillionaireMick, from Dublin ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds."You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left, a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question . . . will you go for it?""Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!""Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?a) Sparrow; b) Thrush; c) Magpie; d) Cuckoo?""I haven't got a clue." says yer man Mick, "so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him."Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple . . . It's a cuckoo.""Are you sure?""I'm fookin sure."Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer.""Is that your final answer?" asked Chris."Dat it is, Sir."There was a long, long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!"Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink."Tell me, Paddy, How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"Dat's easy says Paddy, "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"***Nighty night and dinna let the bed bugs bite!
Blowing up a storm here. Sunny, cloudy and I was nearly knocked over on two occasions by the wind.Pity the Cascades in Washington St. -- they had a major dump, ferries couldn't sail between the island the lower mainland.Jokes seem to have dried up -- not much coming through, so I'll improvise!1) Internet help desk + many others on UTubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfLgGf4nskI***So, You're On Your Apartment Balcony Chilling when . . . this happens.Quote: A Navy F/A-18F Super Hornet crew got permission for a low-level demonstration flight, as part of the opening ceremony for a speedboat race on the Detroit River last weekend.This is what it looked like, for Motor City residents.This is the moment a a US Navy pilot gave a shocked resident a very close look at his F18.The fighter / bomber streaked past an apartment block on the banks of the Detroit River at the weekend.It was part of a tactical demonstration fly-past to open a speedboat race in the North American city.Officials waived rules to allow the Navy flyers to swoop under 100ft along the waterway.One resident said: 'I couldn't believe how low they flew and how close they came to our building -- I'm sure the pilot waved at me.'The jets had flown in from the Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia to put on a spectacular show for thousands of spectators.The Chrysler Jeep Superstores APBA Gold Cup race was won by speedboat ace Dave Villcock.'We danced with the devil at every turn,' said Villwock, 55, who demolished the field on his way to his seventh Gold Cup win.'We were either going to win it big or lose it big.' He couldn't match the F18's for speed, although his average of 141mph for the five-lap final remained impressive.***No pix given, but there was one of an F18 at a 90 degree angle, just coming around an apartment building. Nice shot!L8r G8trs!
Aircraft jokes -- found 'em on a site. Good ones!http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=170788
Today a peek is taken into the social not-so-niceties of life. Put yerself in this position . . .***You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future) . . . while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy. You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more, especially after Sandra's speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you.How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children? I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me.Let's do lunch sometime and compare notes.~Tiger Woods***An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.A cop pulls him over."So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?""Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk."Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.""I did all right," the drunk says with a smile."Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?""Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."***Toodles!
Anyone here remember Auntie Sharon? Me neither . . .The Moral of Auntie SharonA teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.''What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!''Very good,' said the teacher.Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.''That was a fine story Sarah.'Michael, do you have a story to share?''Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon. Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.'She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.'She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.'She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.'Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.''Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?''Stay the f**k away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking.'***For the discerning spectator here, Redneck Waterskiing . . .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWHuRmz0S38***Ciao!
A trip to Italy . . .AN ITALIAN BOYS CONFESSION'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?''Yes, Father, it is.''And who was the girl you were with?''I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'."Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?''I cannot say.''Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?''I'll never tell.''Was it Nina Capelli?''I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.''Was it Cathy Piriano?''My lips are sealed.''Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?''Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.'But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?''Four months vacation and five good leads!'***2morrow (maybe)!
For thinkers amongst us . . .I'VE BEEN WONDERINGWHY... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?WHY... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?WHY... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?WHY... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?WHY... the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?WHY... women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?WHY... don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?WHY... is 'abbreviated' such a long word?WHY... is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?WHY... is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?WHY... is the man who invests all your money called a broker?WHY... is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?WHY... isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?WHY... didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?WHY... do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?WHY... don't they make the whole plane out of that same indestructible stuff black boxes are made out of?WHY... don't sheep shrink when it rains?WHY... are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?WHY... if flying is so safe, do they call the airport the terminal?***L8r!
Are we under or over 30? I prefer over . . .If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda.I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a darn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7! And then there's TEXTING.Part II in next box . . .
Part II (cont'd) . . .Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.We didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your behind and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! Our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!Regards,The Over 30 Crowd***Au Revoir!
A brief summation on lawyers . . .Wow!BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires'. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.NOW FOR THE BEST PART . . .After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.ONLY IN AMERICA . . . NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY'RE NUTS.***Back l8r!
Hello, good grief and goodnight! Time for a little strangeness, no?***The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'***The first blonde guy joke?The very first ever Blonde GUY joke . . . and well worth the wait!An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'(Oh this is GOOD!)Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. She said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'***Golly gosh! I'm exhausted!L8r Tiddleywinks!
Been busy. 'Owzaboud y'all? Sunny with cloudy periods or Cloudy with sunny periods. Life is like a box of molasses . . .***New Company Word of the day:FOCUS -- When you are annoyed with someone, tell them to FOCUS!F#*K Off Cause U're Stupid!***Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read her sales pitch!Dog For Sale: Actually, free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.'Pic not available, but the description is apt!***Oodles Of Toodles!
Hello. For your perusal, here are 24 useless pieces of info.; use them at your own discretion!1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.21. A backward poet writes inverse.22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.***TTFN!
To wit . . .***Pearly GatesOn their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in heaven?When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said,"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"Another month passed.. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled."Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in heaven.""Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground."What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple."OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"***How To Teach A Parrot To TalkA lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.''What do they say?' the priest inquired.They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?''That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.'I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.'Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.'My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase . . . in no time.''Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'There was stunned silence.Shocked, one male parrot looked over to the other male parrot and exclaimed,"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'***2 much! L8r!
Yo. Eye R a little late, but nevertheless . . .***Priceless City By-lawsI just applied for a building permit for a new house.It was going to be 100 ft tall, 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place, and a loud outside entertainment sound system.It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green.The Town council told me to f**k off.So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.Work starts on Monday... ***Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?My tire was thumpingI thought it was flatwhen I looked at the tireI noticed your cat. Sorry! ***Heard your wife left youHow upset you must be.But don't fret about itShe moved in with me.*** Looking back over the yearsthat we've been together,I can't help but wonder . . .'What the hell was I thinking?'*** Congratulations on your wedding day!Too bad no one likes your husband.***How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?***I've always wanted to have:someone to hold,someone to love.After having met you . . .I've changed my mind.***I must admit, you brought religion into my life.I never believed in Hell until I met you.***As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am . . .that you're not here to ruin it for me.***Congratulations on your promotion.Before you gowould you like to take this knife out of my back?You'll probably need it again. ***Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia.)***Happy birthday!You look great for your age.Almost Lifelike!***When we were together,you always said you'd die for me.Now that we've broken up,I think it's time you keep your promise.***We have been friendsfor a very long time.Let's say we stop!*** I'm so miserable without youit's almost like you're here.***Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.Did you ever find out who the father was?***Your friends and I wanted to dosomething special for your birthday.So we're having you put to sleep.***So your daughter's a hookerand it spoiled your day.Look at the bright side;it's really good pay!***Whenever!
Ohhhh happy days are here again (I'm back!) . . .***One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her."My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others."I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God."Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Churchsupports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun."There must be something you would have of me," said God."Well, there is one thing," she said."Name it," said God."It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.""Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.""There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun."Name it. Please," said God."It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel . . ."***Why do polish dogs have flat noses?Because they chase parked cars.***Things that make you go hmmm . . .Why do we say something is out of whack? What is in whack?Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?Do Lipton tea employees take coffee breaks?How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there?No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?***2morrow!
Caution: May be too naughty for adults, let alone children . . .***Lovemaking Tips For Seniors graphic1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.2. Set timer for three minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.8. Make all the noise you want -- the neighbors are deaf, too.9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!10. Don't even think about trying it twice.'OLD' IS WHEN . . .Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.You're not sure if these are facts or jokes. (I sent this in large type so you can read it)***HST = Happy Sex TaxSometime this year, we taxpayers will receive an "HST Compensation" payment.This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an "HST Compensation" payment?A. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers.Q. Where will the government get this money?A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?A. Only a smidgen of it.Q. What is the purpose of this payment?A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:*If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . . .*If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.*If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.*If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.*If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.*If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.*If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.Instead, keep the money in Canada by:1) Spending it at yard sales, or2) Going to hockey games, or3) Spending it on prostitutes, or4) Beer or 5) Tattoos.(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada.)Conclusion:Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.That just about covers it.***Whoa mamma mia!
Sex, drugs and Geritol = Old Farts. Speaking of illicit affairs, be careful what you ask for; you just may get it . . .***JENNY CRAIG FOR MENA guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.''Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'He lost 63 pounds that week.***As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails, BUT this one is important.It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.Please keep it going!To show your support for Gordon Campbell please go to the end of the list and add your name.1. Mrs.Campbell.2.***L8r!
Retirement -- A Primer . . .And They Ask -- Why I Like Retirement?Q: How many days in a week?A: 6 Saturdays, 1 SundayQ: When is a retiree's bedtime?A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.Q: How many retirees to change a light bulb?A: Only one, but it might take all day.Q: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?A: There is not enough time to get everything done.Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?A: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.Q: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?A: Tied shoes.Q: Why do retirees count pennies?A: They are the only ones who have the time.Q: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?A: NUTS!Q: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?A: Normal.Q: What is the best way to describe retirement?A: The never ending Coffee Break.Q: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.Q: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? A: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.Q: What do you do all week?A: Monday to Friday; Nothing. Saturday and Sunday I rest.Share this one with all the retirees that you know. And Those Looking forward to Retirement I'm sure they can relate to some of them!***Oodles of Toodles!
Whoa baby! I R Bak! Not too many jokes coming thru lately. Could be the Spring Doldrums. Never thee mind . . .***Charles and Shirley were attending church services.About halfway through, Charles writes a note and hands it to Shirley.It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"Shirley scribbles back,"Put a new battery in your hearing aid."***The Scottish GolferAn 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,'How do you stay in such great physical condition?''I'm Scottish and a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.'I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.'I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.''Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.'How old was your Dad when he died?''Who said my Dad's dead?'The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?''He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and a golfer, too.''Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?''Who said my granddad's dead?'Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?''He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?''No. Granddad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?''Who said he wanted to?'***L8r!
Science first . . .***How to Tell the Sex of a FlyThis is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!A woman walked into the kitchen to find herhusband stalking around with a fly swatter.'What are you doing?' she asked.'Hunting flies' he responded.'Oh.! Killing any?', she asked.'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.Intrigued, she asked'How can you tell them apart?'He responded,'3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'***Farm Kid in the ArmyDear Ma and Pa,I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter,Alice***Bak soon!
And now a brief respite from the world's nonsense of the day . . .***During a recent computer password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.***This is more of a serious note . . .We're "broke" and can't help our own Seniors, Homeless, Veterans, Orphans, etc.?This is so pathetically true . . . in the last month we have provided aid to Haiti, Chile, and Turkey.Our retired seniors living on a fixed income receive no aid while our government and religious organizations pour hundreds of millions of dollars and tons of food to foreign countries.We have hundreds of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans.Why are so many CANADIAN citizens, and the CANADIAN government, so star struck they won't provide for our own?CANADA: a country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, andmentally ill without treatment -- yet we have a benefit for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations, ships and planes lining up with food, water, tents, clothes, bedding, doctors and medical supplies.Imagine if we gave ourselves the same support that we gave all other countries.I feel bad for them but I also care about CANADA and our Seniors who developed this great country only to be forgotten.Sad isn't it?You can forward it on if you wish, especially to federal MPs who love to spend money.***Toodles!
A true story. Not sure whether to laugh or sympathize . . .***Skinny dip leads to swollen tip for touristWELLINGTON (AFP) -- A Canadian tourist's nude swim and nap at at a New Zealand beach ended badly when he woke with a swollen penis after apparently being bitten by a poisonous spider.The 22-year-old man woke from his post-swim nap to find his penis swollen, painful and bearing a red mark, a report in the New Zealand Medical Journal said.By the time he got to hospital in the far north of the country, his penis was severely swollen, his blood pressure was high and his heart racing.Chest pains and other symptoms developed and it was assumed he had been bitten by a katipo, an uncommon beach-loving spider -- whose bite is sometimes fatal -- which is related to Australia's redback and North America's black widow.The man was treated with anti-venom and his condition improved although he suffered from heart inflammation and required a total of 16 days in hospital before being released."It was a rather nasty, ill-placed bite," said doctor Nigel Harrison of Whangarei Hospital.***SOME GREAT COMMENTS!Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) ***I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'-- Eleanor Roosevelt***Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.-- Mark Twain ***The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.-- George Burns***Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.-- Victor Borge***Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain***2morrow!
Wot's a nice gurl like mee doing in a joint like 'dis?***I'm older than dirtSomeone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?' 'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.'All the food was slow.''C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?' 'It was a place called 'at home,' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, slow.We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers -- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week.He had to get up at 6AM every morning. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.(Part 2 follows)
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?MEMORIES from a friend:My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.How many do you remember?Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.Ignition switches on the dashboard.Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.Older Than Dirt Quiz:Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.Ratings at the bottom.1.Candy cigarettes2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes 3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles 4. Party lines on the telephone5.Newsreels before the movie 6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])7.Peashooters 8. Howdy Doody 9. 45 RPM records 10.Hi-fi's11. Metal ice trays with lever 12. Blue flashbulb13.Cork popguns 14. Studebakers15. Wash tub wringersIf you remembered 0-3 = You're still youngIf you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt! I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.Don't forget to pass this along! Especially to all your really OLD friends.***Sex, Drugs and Geritol -- Keep On Rockin' In The Free World!
Well good afternoon and welcome to the local joketrack. Accordingly . . .***By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.-- Socrates***I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- Groucho Marx***My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.-- Jimmy Durante***I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.-- Zsa Zsa Gabor***Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.-- Alex Levine***My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.-- Rodney Dangerfield***Money can't buy you happiness . . . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.-- Spike Milligan***Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.-- Joe Namath***I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.-- Bob Hope***I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.-- W. C. Fields***We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.-- Will Rogers***Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill***Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.-- Phyllis Diller ***By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.-- Billy Crystal***And the cardiologist's diet: -- If it tastes good spit it out.***Oodles!
Exciting scientific news . . .***A woman just gave birth to a baby.After she had recovered, the doctor came to see and speak with her."Your baby is in good health, but there is something important I need to tell you".The woman was worried."Tell me there is nothing wrong, please.""There is nothing really wrong, but he is a little different . . . your baby is a hermaphrodite.""A HERMAPHRODITE? What is that?""Well, it means that . . . your baby is . . . that he has all the equipment of a man and a woman."The woman pales . . . "OH MY GODDDD!""You mean he has a penis AND a brain?"Howdya like that one boyz?!***BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)For anyone who didn't see the episode on David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story)On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'Instinct told her to do what they told her.The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her . . .'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely,'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor.'I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.'He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.'She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.At her door they bid her a good evening.As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses.Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill. The card said:'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.It was signed: Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan.***G8r L8rs!
Yesterday was an off day. I wuz off my rocker!***Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives our citizens.Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP or MPP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.Sincerely,The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)P.S. -- Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.***TTFN!
In case you were wondering . . .***Q: What Exactly is Inside a Can of Whoop-ass?A: Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases."Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.""U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the '72 Virgins Dating Club.""U.S. Air Force -- Travel Agents To Allah""Stop Global Whining""When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine""Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify.""The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight""Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back""Marine Sniper -- You can run, but you'll just die tired!""What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil""Marines -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775""Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It""Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon""It's God's Job to Forgive bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting""Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl""One Shot, Twelve Kills -- U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support""My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College""Machine Gunners -- Accuracy By Volume""A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers""If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran".***An English professor wrote the words"A woman without her man is nothing"on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.All of the males in the class wrote:"A woman, without her man, is nothing."All the females in the class wrote:"A woman: without her, man is nothing."Punctuation is powerful!***Lollapalooza hunneybunches!
For 2morrow -- Happy Queen Vicky Day!***A whole lotta truth here . . .Old Farmer's AdviceYour fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered . . . not yelled.Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.You cannot unsay a cruel word.Every path has a few puddles.When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.The best sermons are lived, not preached.Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.Don't judge folks by their relatives.Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.Always drink upstream from the herd.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.***L8r!
Been a while -- lotsa thingies to do. But nevermind . . .***IRISH CONFESSIONS1. Box DonationA married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'2. Lemon SqueezeThere once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'3. Looks of DisappointmentA man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'4. Catholic DogMuldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company... One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead . . . Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?5. DonationFather O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS Can you help us?' 'I can!''Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?''He is!''Did he donate $10,000 to the church?''He will!'***Whenever!
And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .***Hockey or SexThe husband watching an NHL playoff game on TV kept switching channels between a movie featuring a couple in bed and the game."I don't know whether to watch the hockey game or them," he said to his wife."For heaven's sake, watch them," she said. "You already know how to play hockey!" ***A Mexican, an Arab, and an Alberta girl are in the same bar.When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'The Alberta girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,'In Alberta, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'God Bless Alberta!***TTFN!
And now -- Hunting 101 . . .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwYz_3VKWFo***THE BITCH FAIRYNow I know all of you have heard of the Tooth Fairy,and The Fairy God Mother,But have you heard of theBITCH FAIRY,Check Her Out...Do not fear -- the Bitch Fairy has arrived to put a smile on your face!(pix not included, unfortunately)Don't mess with women! (They can be EVIL)***L8r!
Canadian HumorCurtis and Leroy saw an ad in the Tribune Newspaper in Williams Lake, BC and bought a mule for $100.The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry fellers, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."Curtis and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis and Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back." Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing Campbell's Harmonized Sales Tax plan.***Why, Why, WhyWhy do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?'Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?***More l8r!
Ooohhh, to be a court reporter . . . NOT!***These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!***ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.***ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.***ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?***ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.***ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?***ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.***ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?***ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid.***ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?***ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.***ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.***ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.***ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.***ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral.***ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.***ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?***And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.***L8r G8rs!
And now . . .***Wife asks husband,"How many women have you slept with?"Husband proudly replies,"Only you, darling -- with all the others, I was awake."Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM***ItalianeseDo you know why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family? Here is the answer.An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside."Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.""But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?""You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.""Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man . . .""Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's up'?"***TTFN!
Direct from the BBC, and moving back in time . . .***Woman jailed for testicle attackA woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.'Pulled hard'Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self-defence.The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but "open relationship" with Monti towards the end of May last year.The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones's house.An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard"."I am in no way a violent person" -- Amanda MontiHe added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain."The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done.She said: "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."The letter added: "I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life."***A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"She says, "I'd take half, then leave you.""Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6 -- now *@%)& off!'***L8r!
Although the World Cup is taking up a lot of time, there seems to have some 'incoming' . . .***Beware Information about Gonorrhea Lectim (Liberalis strain)The BC Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible affliction.The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.Many victims contracted it in 2010, but now most people, after having been infected for the past one or two years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.You take the first dose in 2010 (HST variant) and the second dose in 2013 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.Most ridings are already on top of this, like many in the interior, and apparently now on the Island, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.***Rednek tyme agin . . .FINALLY, OVERALLS THAT FIT! Just ask for the "TENNESSEE CUT"Brand new edition of "You know you're a redneck when . . .You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.You burn your yard rather than mow it.You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench.The Salvation Army declines your furniture.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.You come back from the dump with more than you took.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.You have a rag for a gas cap.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.You can spit without opening your mouth.You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.***L8r G8trs!
Caught y'all off guard, sleeping with the enemy! . . .***Bacon and Eggs (yummy!)A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.'I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either.'I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk .'Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'***The Pastor's AssThe Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.The local paper read:PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day the local paper headline read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.The Bishop fainted.He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.The next day the headlines read:NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.***2mrow or whnevr!
Things that are NOT supposed to be said in the heat of the moment . . .***A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said,"My wife got a pretty good look at you."***Sex in the DarkThere was this couple that had been married for 20 years.Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down . . . and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device . . . a vibrator!Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.She went completely ballistic.'You impotent bastard,' she screamed at him!'How could you be lying to me all of these years?'You better explain yourself!'The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'***Toodles!
Aahhh, children . . .***Two little kids are in a hospital, standing next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,"Whatcha in here for?"The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up theygive you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"The second kid then asks, "Whatcha in for?"The first kid says, "A circumcision."And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"***News flashBuffalo Police have reported finding a man's body floating in the Niagara River, near the Peace Bridge.The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption, combined with a drug overdose.He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick and a “Sarah Palin for President in 2012” t-shirt.He also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.Police removed the t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. ***L8r!
If you don't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?'Heavens no, we bought it.''Then why don't you drive it away?''We can't drive.''Then why did you buy it?''We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed . . . so we're just waiting.'***A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, folds her arms, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,"I don't think my python weally gives a thit.***Gr8 weekend!
Damn it's so difficult to pay attenshun to any of the present-day garbage happening, so I won't. Accordingly . . .***Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."On a Septic Tank Truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution -- This Truck is full of Political Promises"***Politicians = Excrement! L8r G8rs!
A Troubling Question . . . Why?***Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?EVER WONDER . . .Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?***TTFN -- Been a drought (no jokes) lately. I'll post them when I get them.
Whoa 'dere . . . bin a long time. Wot gives?Well, the supply of jokes kinda dried up, just few and far between. Got one 2day, 'tho . . .***Free Medical AdviceFor all you food conscious folksA doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford."The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."***HAPPY CANADA DAY EVERYONE!They have Harmonized the PST & GST in B.C. & Ontario. Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch!Tax his land,Tax his bed,Tax the tableAt which he's fed.Tax his work,Tax his pay,He works for peanutsAnyway!Tax his cow,Tax his goat,Tax his pants,Tax his coat.Tax his tobacco,Tax his drink,Tax him if heTries to think.Tax his car,Tax his gas,Find other waysTo tax his ass.Tax all he hasThen let him knowThat you won't be doneTill he has no dough.When he screams and hollers;Then tax him some more,Tax him tillHe's good and sore.Then tax his coffin,Tax his grave,Tax the sod inWhich he's laid.When he's gone,Do not relax,Its time to applyThe inheritance tax.Accounts Receivable TaxAirline surcharge taxAirline Fuel TaxAirport Maintenance TaxBuilding Permit TaxCigarette TaxCorporate Income TaxDeath TaxDog License TaxDriving Permit TaxEnvironmental Tax (Fee)Excise TaxesFederal Income TaxFederal Unemployment (UI)Fishing License TaxFood License TaxGasoline Tax (too much per litre)Gross Receipts TaxHealth TaxHunting License TaxHydro TaxInheritance TaxInterest TaxLiquor TaxLuxury TaxesMarriage License TaxMedicare TaxMortgage TaxPersonal Income TaxProperty TaxPoverty TaxPrescription Drug TaxProvincial Income and sales taxReal Estate TaxRecreational Vehicle TaxRetail Sales TaxService Charge TaxSchool TaxTelephone Federal TaxTelephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge TaxesTelephone Minimum Usage Surcharge TaxVehicle License Registration TaxVehicle Sales TaxWater TaxWatercraft Registration TaxWell Permit TaxWorkers Compensation Tax-- and in 2010 the HSTSTILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago, and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.What in "Hell" happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'I hope this goes around CANADA at least 100 times. YOU can help it get there. GO AHEAD -- be a CANADIAN!***TTFN!
Just too important NOT to pass on . . . TICK WARNING!I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times, unintentionally of course, but this one is real, and it's IMPORTANT. Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up . . .DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!They only want to see you NAKED!!!I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.***The Stranded IrishmanOne day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?""Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag."Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!""And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.He opened the flask and took a long drink." 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,"And how long has it been since you've played around?"With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"***Toodles!
Well hullo there. God, I'm cute. Who are you?!***Jesus in a BarAn Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man.Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!"Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man's eyes widen with shock."Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God."What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.The Newfie shouts, "Piss off, I'm on Workers Compensation!"***Traffic CameraI was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. You can't fix stupid.***L8r g8rs!
An introspective view on our distant cousins . . .***A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.She did . . . and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down."Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut."Now. Tell him you have a headache."***A Cow, an Ant and an Old FartA Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something . . .***Holy Sauna Baths Batboy! Kinda warm here!L8r!
We're all getting there . . .***A Senior MomentI was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . . .Then suddenly I remembered that I was listening to my iPod . . .. . . and how was your day?***I AM CANADIAN (new version)I am in the minority in Calgary, Vancouver, Toronto and every casino in this country.I was born in the thirties, forties, fifties or sixties, yet I am somehow responsiblefor some First Nations people being screwed out of their land in the 1700's!I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seatbelt.All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.I live and work among people who believe Americans are Ignorant, but these same people cannot name this country's new territory.On April 1st, 1999 the map of Canada changed for the first time in 50 years with the creation of Nunavut Territory. The Northwest Territories was split and approximately two million square kilometers of the central and eastern arctic became 'Nunavut'.Although I am sometimes forced to live on hamburgers and don't have a pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home inVancouver for some unskilled refugee.Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec still provides most of my nation's prime ministers.95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa for that matter.I am being told that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.I am also being told that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my Grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.I am being told that spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or recognize the English language.I am being told that paying $1 million for 3 Stripes ('The Voice of Fire' painting in Ottawa) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.When I look at my pension and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say 'Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans.'I must bail out big corporations who drive their business into the ground and say, 'yeah that's ok.'When they move all their manufacturing plants and jobs to a third world country and say, 'no problem.'My National Anthem has versions in both official languages.Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest Military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.I am not an angry white person.I am one pissed off taxpayer, who is broke.I am Canadian!***Toodles!
Willkommen bak! Here we go . . .***Ideal husbands . . .While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.And then God made the earth round.***YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when . . .1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.10. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list!~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!Go lick your elbow.***Actually, if you slather yourself in mustard, ketchup, pickles and strong European beer, put yourself on a rotisserie over a B-B-Q for several hours, you can eat yourself -- elbow and all!Ciao for now!
. . . and now for something completely different . .. . Actually it is a little different, so I thought I would pass it on.***I Wish You Enough!Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.Standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.' They kissed and the daughter left. The father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry.I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?''Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?''I am old, and she lives so far away. I have tests ahead and the reality is -- the next trip back will be for my funeral,' he said.'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone . . .'He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.'Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.'I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.''I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.''I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.''I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.''I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.''I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.''I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.'***L8r!
G'day Bruces! Now . . .***At First I thought this was RichmondNotice -- No stop signs, no traffic lights, no rules and only occasional use of headlights -- even at night!Also a lawyer standing with his camera, pen and pad on every corner.Proof people, in general, don't know how to drive!Driving in China: http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=QESfEd180rQhttp://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=QESfEd180rQ***Thank gawd I don't drive or live in China!TTFN!
I am not responsible if you pass this on to your wives, ladyfriends etc.***New PantiesA frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs . . . enough times till her husband says . . ."Are you wearing crotch-less panties?""Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile."Thank God for that. I thought you were sitting on the cat."He never heard the gunshot.***Timex WatchMy neighbors, the two cute, young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex!It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said: "I just wanna watch!"***L8r g8orz!
Whoa! Sumtin' came in . . .***Scotch with two drops of waterA lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender.As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.''Coming right up,' the bartender says.As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.''OLD' IS WHEN -- Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!''OLD' IS WHEN -- Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.'OLD' IS WHEN -- A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.'OLD' IS WHEN -- Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.'OLD' IS WHEN -- You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.'OLD' IS WHEN -- You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.'OLD' IS WHEN -- 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.'OLD' IS WHEN -- 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.'OLD' IS WHEN -- An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.AND 'OLD' IS WHENYou are not sure these are jokes?***More l8r!
Feeling a little romantic, are we?***Italian Secret to a Long MarriageAt St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'Giuseppe proudly replied," I gonna go pick her up."***I hope we can say this one day!Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'80% held up their hands.The Minister then repeated his question.All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.'Mrs. Neely?' 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'I don't have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly.'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?''Ninety-eight.' she replied.'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:'I've outlived all the bitches.'***Oodles of Toodles!