Sunday, September 20, 2009

A little fun

Had a brain f@rt earlier, and thought I would pass on this monster of an idea for a Liberal National Anthem. Would be great for the next leadership convention.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_e0RmoHb0Y

I reserve the rights of course, so better hurry before the Western Alliance adopts it for a Victory song after the next election. K?

On that note, was this really written for Peter McKay?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xm34ZLlIvQg&NR=1

50 comments:

  1. Be still, my beating farts for I, Charlesius have returned unscathed from The Big Choke, a.k.a. Toronto.

    Resuming jokefest intermittently, we now continue onward . . .
    ------
    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica -- where do they go? Wonder no more!

    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

    The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

    "Freeeeze a jolly good fellow."

    Well it's not my fault. I just pass them on!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Garth has eliminated politics from his life (finally). Good for him.

    Probably getting ready for retirement in his youthful age, and he sure doesn't need that BS anymore.
    ------
    Catholic Heart Attack

    A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

    As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

    He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

    The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

    He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

    The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

    He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

    The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'

    The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'

    ReplyDelete
  3. A selection of words with new definitions . . .
    ------
    Neologism Contest

    Once again, we publish the winning submissions to the yearly neologism contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

    The winners are:

    1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

    3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

    6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

    7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

    -- PLUS --

    The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

    1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

    8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

    12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    And the pick of the literature:

    16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    Now that you have improved your phoentic skills, please ignore the above!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Continuing . . .
    ------
    Men have nothing on blondes

    A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

    Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

    He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

    He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

    Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

    -- and --

    A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

    So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

    'Where are you going, Coochy Cooh?' asked the wife.

    'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer.'

    The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

    She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lolly Pop . . . but at the bar . . . you know . . . they have frozen glasses . . .'

    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?'

    She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious . . . I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

    'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochi Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

    'But my Sweet Honey . . . At the bar . . . You know . . . there's swearing, dirty words and all that . . .'

    'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f&)*(%$g beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*?/$#g snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f@&#)%g going anywhere! Got it, asshole?'

    . . . and they lived happily ever after.


    Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!

    More to come . . .

    ReplyDelete
  5. Joke on, the ones who are strong and free; for life is a short, sweet experience -- here today, gone tomorrow - that's me!
    ------
    Where Did White Man Go Wrong?

    Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official,

    'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

    The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued,

    'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.

    'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

    'Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled.

    'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

    -- and --

    Here is an inspiration for us all!

    As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

    It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on tests that would make many of us wither.

    Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

    VERY INSPIRING!

    "I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

    "And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!"

    More later . . .

    ReplyDelete
  6. Proof that women are on a higher, different level than men.
    ------
    Three Men on a Hike

    Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

    'God, please give me the strength to cross the river . . .'

    Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

    After witnessing that, the second man prayed:

    'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river . . .'

    Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

    Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:

    'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river . . .'

    Poof! He was turned into a woman.

    She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

    ReplyDelete
  7. After traipsing around the universe (A Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy), I have returned, none the worse for wear. At least I think so.

    Speaking of the H1N1 pandemic brouhaha . . .
    ------
    The Flu's

    I'm not really concerned about swine flu. Here's my concern.

    Three years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease.

    Two years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu.

    This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . Swine flu.

    Next year is the year of the cock . . . Anybody else worried?

    ReplyDelete
  8. G'day y'all. Speaking of hillbillies . . .
    ------
    Indian Mating Season

    Two Indians and a Tennessee hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

    "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave, and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

    "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they call 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

    Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

    Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening.

    He was thinking, "Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

    He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

    With a gleam in his eyes, and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

    The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read ..... (Get ready--) ......

    NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN
    ------
    Too much Jack Daniels, Jim Beam or Wild Rose Bourbon?

    L8r, G8ors!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Another Fine Day Passes Into The Yonder, just as the Scrambled Eggs for a Brain I have start waking up . . .
    ------
    Random Thoughts for the Day:

    Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

    Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

    I take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    There is great need for a sarcasm font.

    How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    Was learning cursive really necessary?

    Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

    I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

    Bad decisions make good stories.

    You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
    the rest of the day.

    Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection . . . again.

    I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

    "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

    I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

    I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

    I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

    My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

    I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

    Yogi Berra said that when you come to the fork in the road, take it. I did and nothing happened.

    I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

    Life is short . . . eat dessert first. or have a beer (your choice) . . .

    ReplyDelete
  10. To follow on from my previous missive, we head back to the Cell-Phone Jurassic Dinosaur Amusement Park Theory . . .
    ---
    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: 'Hello'

    WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

    'Yes'

    'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

    'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

    'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.'

    'How much?'

    '$90,000'

    'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

    'Great! Oh, and one more thing . . . the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000'

    'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's a really good deal.'

    'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

    'Bye! I love you, too.'

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

    He turns and asks,

    'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
    ------
    A Completely Politically Incorrect Joke, but it's good anyway . . .

    A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.

    He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

    "Yes?", asks St. Peter.

    "I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.

    St. Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here!"
    ---
    Damn! Wrong savior!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Are we all broke now? No money, no home and no nothing? GOOD!

    Everyone will start from scratch! But first . . .
    ***
    BREAKING NEWS: Terror

    Alert in Chicago, IL

    The Chicago Bears football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

    Head coach Lovie Smith immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators.

    After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE.

    Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.
    ***
    I thought the goal lines were always painted in blue on a very slippery surface called ice.

    But whadda I know? Not much, that's fer sure!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Today's focus is on Advice Columnists. Moreso on Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
    ****
    Dear Walter:

    I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

    I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I'm 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.

    We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

    I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

    I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

    Can you please help?

    Sincerely,

    Sheila
    ***
    Dear Sheila:

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.

    If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

    I hope this helps.

    Walter
    ****
    Therein lies the singlemost reason why men are still daft; most have an IQ level no greater than mice droppings.

    Have pity on us!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Evenin' y'all. Tad cooler here out west. Nevermind -- The Continuing Saga Of Nothing At All . . .
    ------
    Illiteracy in Louisiana? (Don't even try to top this)!

    How would you pronounce this child's name?

    She spells her name . . . "Le-a". So, how would YOU pronounce her name?

    Leah? No. Lee - A? Nope.

    Lay - a? Not a chance / Lei? Nice try, but guess again!

    This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

    She says it's pronounced . . .

    "Ledasha" (huh?)

    When the mother was asked how in the world did she figure it should be pronounced that way, she said . . .

    "cause the dash don't be silent!"

    So, if you see a name come across your desk like this . . . please remember to pronounce the dash.

    And if anyone asks you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be silent!

    Someone . . . Pleeeeze, pleeeze tell me dis don't be true! Surely, someone be's jokin' with us?!?! Wat dem US teachers bin teachin'?
    ------
    Certainly is a 'new age' of children nowadays, isn't it?

    Easy to understand why this continent is in decline with education like this (pic not supplied).

    ReplyDelete
  14. Now, we're all Khanayjun, eh? So a little refresher for all of us . . .
    ****

    So, What Do We Canadians Have To Be Proud Of?

    1. Smarties

    2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

    3. The size of our football fields, one less down, and bigger balls.

    4. Baseball is Canadian -- first game June 4, 1838 -- Ingersoll, Ont.

    5. Lacrosse is Canadian

    6. Hockey is Canadian

    7. Basketball is Canadian

    8. Apple pie is Canadian

    9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

    10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts

    11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington. We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied . . . Go figure.

    12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

    13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but prevailed in ALL the wars).

    14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

    15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary. He slept in and missed the whole thing, showing up just in time to get caught.

    16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

    17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

    18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
    (That's more information than I need!)

    19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.

    20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, the paint roller, roller skates, duct tape, the jolly-jumper, air conditioned vehicles, the Zamboni, the barcode, the Blackberry and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

    21. The light bulb was actually invented by a Canadian (Henry Woodward patented it in 1874). The patent was bought by some obscure American named Edison who improved upon the design and took credit for inventing it.

    22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

    23. A Canadian invented Superman.

    24. We have coloured money.

    25. Our beer advertisements kick ass {so does our beer}

    BUT MOST IMPORTANT!

    The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

    OOoohhhhh . . . Canada!

    Oh yeah; our elections only take one day.

    Pass this on if you are proud to be Canadian!
    ***
    Now this will make a really great Xmas Card!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Not bikini weather anymore (unless you're a made-up sasochist like moi). Supposed to be -16 in the next few days. Nevermind.

    More to the point . . .
    ***
    Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

    What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

    Even though Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, he's still below par.

    What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Of course. They went clubbing.

    Do you know why Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree? He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

    Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are naming the new set as . . . "clubs you can beat Tiger with."

    Tiger just changed his nickname, but still kept it in the cat family -- his new name? Cheetah

    Since Tiger drives an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?
    ***
    Forward we head toward Christmas, and all it's materialistic worthlessness.

    L8r, kiddies!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I heard a vicious rumor, being spread far and wide across the land that the Trawnna Maple Lafs won the Stanley Cup in 1066 at The Battle Of Hastings. Is there any trooth to this rumor? Pleeze enlighten.

    And now, sans a few pix, why NOT to always follow rules . . .
    ***
    . . . then there are '@*&%+$'x*^ idiotic rules!

    It was a normal day in Sharon Springs, Kansas when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina.

    Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.

    A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with [the rules].

    Unfortunately, the train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote-soaked ties and trusses. (In defense of the crew they tried to explain to higher-ups, but were instructed [not to move the train!])

    Below is what ensued.

    [This is where the pix are placed, of the train and bridge burning uncontrollably, being watched by curious onlookers. No one could do anything to stop it.]

    After all,

    RULES are RULES!

    Don't let common sense get in the way of a good major disaster!
    ***
    Happened last year sometime. A very good reason to avoid authoritarian rules!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Facebook, like everything and everyone else, has a positive and negative side to it, and here is the negative side . . .
    ***
    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 AM EST.

    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

    First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment, I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare footed since I made you leave you your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

    After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. The phone company just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

    Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

    Thoughtfully yours, Alex

    P.S. Remember this motto...An armed society makes for a more civil society!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Dentist's Appointment -- doncha jes' luv 'em?!
    ------
    The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

    'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

    The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

    'I can't do the gas thing. The thought
    of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'

    The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill..

    'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

    The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra.'

    The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

    'It doesn't' said the dentist,'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.'
    ------
    Bluddy kold this week, but sunny and NO SNOW! So I can still make a nuisance of myself thruout neighborhoods.

    L8r, guys and gals!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Last line of this joke is pretty good -- we could all do with having our asses burnt (to warm us up!)
    ***
    Ten Fascinating Facts About Nothing In Particular

    Number 10 -- Life is sexually transmitted.

    Number 9 -- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    Number 8 -- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

    Number 7 -- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

    Number 6 -- Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

    Number 5 -- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Number 4 -- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    Number 3 -- Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30?

    Number 2 -- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    And The Number 1 Thought For 2009: -- We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

    "Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers. What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
    ***
    Stay warm, kiddiewinks!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Tonight, there is a moral to be learned. Not from me, from this joke. So, onward and upward . . .
    ***
    The Itch

    Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

    One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

    The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

    The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

    Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

    The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

    The moral of the story . . .

    Pay your bills.
    ***
    Anyone see the Super-Surf Waves in Maui and Honolulu? 40- to 50-footers!

    Also, the spiralling blue-green light over Norway coming from space? Could be hairy, but there's no confirmation yet!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Y'all know what spin, double-speak and spiel BS are, and politicians do as well. They are very good at it, which is why they're politicians and, we're not. Blabber on, MPs . . .
    ***
    Politicians never ever lie. They have a talent for telling the truth that makes it unnecessary to fabricate anything.

    Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She
    discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in
    1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

    The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:

    'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

    So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

    Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

    'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
    In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

    NOW THAT's how it's done, folks. That's real POLITICAL SPIN.
    ***
    Git mah drift? Tomorrow (if I'm still here!).

    ReplyDelete
  22. A very good cover version of "The Devil Went Down To Jamaica" by The Muppets -- 2:45 clip well worth watching.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFY3c_JIx5A
    ------
    What will they think of next?

    Love the fact that we aren't spraying chemicals to kill the bugs and us too!

    We went with some out of town friends to Sweety Pies on Sunday for breakfast, and we sat in the enclosed patio section beside the house.

    We happened to notice a couple of zip lock baggies pinned to a post and a wall. The bags were half filled with water, each contained 4 pennies, and they were zipped shut.

    Naturally we were curious! Ms Sweety told us that these baggies kept the flies away! So naturally we were even more curious!

    We actually watched some flies come in the open window, stand around on the window sill, and then fly out again.

    And there were no flies in the eating area! This morning I checked this out on Google.
    Below are comments on this fly control idea. I'm now a believer!

    More comments not included here were about pet dogs and fly problems.

    Zip-lock water bags -- Sue says:

    Many people swear that a zip-lock bag filled half-way with water and attached over entry-ways will repel flies. No one yet knows how or why it works, but there is speculation that it has something to do with the way the moving water refracts light. If you have tried this please use the comments form at the bottom of the page to share your results with the rest of us.

    Ann says -- I tried the ziplock bag and pennies this weekend. I have a horse trailer with full LQ. The flies were very bad this weekend while I was camping. I put the baggie with pennies above the door of the LQ. NOT ONE FLY came in the trailer.

    The horse trailer part had many. Not sure why it works but it does!

    Danielle Martin Says -- Fill a ziplock bag with water and 5 or 6 pennies and hang it in the problem area. In my case it was a particular window in my home. It had a slight but significant passage way for insects.

    Ever since I have done that, it has kept flies and wasps away. Some say, that wasps and flies mistake the bag for some sort of other insect nest and are threatened by this.

    Maggie says -- I swear by the plastic bag of water trick I have them on side porch (our house entry) and all around the basement door. We saw these in Northeast Mo at an Amish grocery store and have used them since.

    They say it works because a fly sees a reflection & won't come around.

    DJ Says -- Regarding the science behind zip log
    bags of water? My research found that each of the millions of molecules of water presents its own prism effect and given that flies have a lot of eyes, to them it's like a zillion disco balls reflecting light, colors and movement in a dizzying manner.

    When you figure that flies are basically prey for many other bugs, animals, birds, etc., they simply won't take the risk of being around that much perceived action. I moved to a rural area and thought these "hillbillies" were just yanking my city boy chain but I tried it, worked immediately!

    We went from hundreds of flies to seeing the
    occasional one, but he don't hang around long.
    ***
    Weekend! Party Tume! BTW, we took our annual Christmas trip to the Daily Courier.

    A friend said he and his better half were in the UK for a holiday earlier this year. Said the country was in really rough shape, unemployment hovered around 20%, street violence, etc., tons of street people. Not good.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Wholly Hot Damn Sun-Ov-A-Gun -- I really have become way too sexy for my body, so I'll just be a financier at Goldman Sachs. And now . . .
    ***
    ACTUAL 'CALL CENTER' CALLS

    Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
    Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
    Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
    Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

    Samsung Electronics

    Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
    Caller: 'On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

    AC Motoring Services

    Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?'
    Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

    Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe):

    'If I register my car in France and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

    Directory Enquiries
    Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please.'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
    Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

    Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
    Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland.'

    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

    'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

    Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
    Customer: 'OK.'
    Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
    Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
    Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
    Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

    Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

    The last one has to be one of the funniest true conversations things I have seen in a long time, and it shows how completely stupid people can be.

    This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

    Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
    ***
    Another one tomorrow!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Instructions on How . . .

    To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

    1. At lunch time, sit In Your Parked Car With
    Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

    2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

    3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

    4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

    5. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.

    6. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

    7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

    9. Sing Along At The Opera.

    10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

    11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

    12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

    13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

    And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity . . .

    14. PICK UP A BOX OF CoNDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

    It's Called . . . THERAPY!
    ***
    hairy, Dilbert and I would make a terrific menage a trois in therapy!

    ReplyDelete
  25. The Problems Associated With Global Cooling are quite simply:

    We're all freezing our nuts off. When is The Next Train To Hell Leaving, 'cuz I wanna be on it!
    ***
    Why Men Have Better Friends . . .

    A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

    The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it . . .

    A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

    The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there!
    ***
    True Story

    Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

    Little Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

    Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

    Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

    Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

    Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

    Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

    Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

    Defense Attorney: Why not?

    Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

    Defense Attorney: What happened next?

    Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

    Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

    Defense Attorney: Why not?

    Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

    Defense Attorney: What happened next?

    Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
    'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

    Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

    Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

    'And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!
    ***
    TAKE ME -- I'M YOURS YOU WHORE!

    Whoa baby, that was exhausting!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Who put the ad in above this post? This a politically incorrect screwballs site. Advertizing. Yer gotta luv it, then ignore it.
    ***
    Children Are Smarter Than Grownups

    I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

    John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

    He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

    John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

    'No,' I replied.

    'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

    So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

    I used to like the little shit.
    ***
    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

    Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
    ***
    Thus endeth the lesson. Further admonitions tomorrow, unless the stock markets thruout the world crater and we are left penniless.

    Yours strangely,

    I, Charlesius

    ReplyDelete
  27. And Now For Something Completely Different . . . IT'S! (another two)
    ***
    Another of Einstein's Theories . . .

    Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 129 if he were alive today.

    Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

    At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well-endowed.

    He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

    This came to be known as . . . Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty"

    Oh quit groaning! I don't write this stuff . . . I receive it from my warped friends (some of whom you know) and then I send it on to you.
    ***
    FROZEN CARBURETOR

    In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room.

    On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

    "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

    "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

    "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

    "Can't."

    "OK, Watch me and I will show you."

    The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

    A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

    It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded . . ."
    ***
    Back tomorrow!

    ReplyDelete
  28. PMSH is about to teach us how NOT to hold a rifle . . .
    ***
    The Hunter

    He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

    Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged . . . shooting him in the genitals.

    Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

    'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot . . .'

    'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

    'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

    'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

    'Not exactly,' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'
    ***
    A REDNECK LOVE POEM

    SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
    SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
    SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
    SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

    PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
    YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
    I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
    BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
    AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
    BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
    HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

    YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
    AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
    BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
    I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
    JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
    MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
    YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
    ***************************
    (Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)

    ReplyDelete
  29. Now back to our regularly-scheduled programming, with a short vignette on the premer of BC, Mr. Gordon Campbell . . .
    ***
    Young Gordy lived in Vancouver and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

    The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up saying, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

    Gordy replied, ’Well, then just give me my money back.'

    The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

    Gordy said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

    The farmer asked, 'Wat ya gonna do with a dead donkey?'

    Gordy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

    The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

    Gordy said, 'Sure I can, I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

    A month later, the farmer met up with Gordy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

    Gordy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and I made a profit of $998.'

    The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

    Gordy said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back.'

    Gordy now works for the government.
    ***
    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    The man said, "I do, Father."

    The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

    Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

    "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

    The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"
    ***
    Back tomorrow for more!

    ReplyDelete
  30. A message of encouragement from our sponsors, then back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .
    ***
    Dear Grim Reaper,

    So far this year, you have taken away my favorite dancer, Michael Jackson, my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite comedian, Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy Mays and my favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon.

    Just so you know, my favorite politician is Gordon Campbell.

    Thank you.
    ***
    Excuse the caps on this one. I'm not shouting, I'm just too tired to correct it!

    A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

    THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

    THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

    "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.

    "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

    THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

    HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

    THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

    "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

    "WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

    "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

    "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

    "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

    "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL!"

    "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
    ***
    Whoa baby! More whenever!

    ReplyDelete
  31. A lament (poem, actually) for Tiger. Shed a tear . . . NOT!
    ***
    Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

    'Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

    Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

    She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

    Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

    He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

    Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

    He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

    With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

    From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

    Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

    With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

    When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

    Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

    Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

    And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

    "If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

    She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

    Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
    ***
    PROBABLY NOT TRUE BUT A NICE STORY NONETHELESS!

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

    The letter read:

    Dear God,

    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

    Sincerely, Edna

    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went.

    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

    It read:

    Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

    By the way, there was $4 missing.

    I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

    Sincerely, Edna
    ***
    TTFN -- Back l8r!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Missed yesterday, as I was too busy sleeping. I'll try to be consistently bad in the past and present, let alone the future!
    ***
    Fact of Life:

    It is well-established that S S stands for Sexy Saturday and Saucy Sunday, and after a brief respite Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says -- W T F.
    ***
    A bunch of question with no answers. Y'all can figure them out!

    Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

    Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

    If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

    Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

    Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

    Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

    Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

    Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

    Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

    Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

    Why is bra singular and panties plural?

    How come abbreviated is such a long word?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

    Christmas -- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

    Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

    Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ?
    ***
    I, Charlesius shall return ASAP!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Joyeux Noel et Bon Annee (a Chindiancanuckistan mixture, vaguely relating to Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to y'all!)

    And now back to the deadly serious stuff -- Santa wearing a bright red dominatix outfit, complete with thigh-high, black patent stiletto heels and a fluffy white beard, offset with a touch of pink. Now you know why I'm nuts and you're not!
    ***
    Garfield on the oil crisis

    A lot of folks can't understand how we came
    to have an oil shortage here in Canada.

    Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.

    We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. Our Oil is located in:

    ALBERTA - SASKATCHEWAN - BRITISH COLUMBIA - MANITOBA - COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK - COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND

    Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA.

    Any questions? NO? . . . Didn't think so.
    ***
    More l8r!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Are we nearly there yet? Didn't we pass Christmas last week, and now we're in 2013? Time is flying, kiddiekins!
    ***
    Newfie humor

    A guy from Cornerbrook, Newfoundland was driving a Beetle in Toronto, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

    Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

    The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

    "I gots one too -- see?" the Newf says.

    "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

    "You gots a fax machine?" asks the Newf.

    "Why, actually, yes, I do."

    "I does too! See? It's right here!" brags the guy from the Rock.

    The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So,does you have a double bed in back there?"

    The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

    "Yep, gots me a double bed right in back here," the Newf replies.

    The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

    Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car.

    About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Newfoundland Labrador plates.

    Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

    The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

    (It's ok, the joke is CLEAN)

    The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

    The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

    "Yeah, yeah, I remembers you," replies the Newfoundlander, "What's up?"

    "Check this out. I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

    The Newf exclaims,

    "B'JEEZ B'Y, YOU GOTS ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELLS ME THAT?!"
    ***
    More l8r!

    ReplyDelete
  35. A politically incorrect joke, somewhat off the wall . . .
    ***
    The Frog and Golf

    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

    He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he Hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

    The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

    Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

    He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

    Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup and is shocked.

    He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?'

    The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

    'What do you think frog?' the man asks.

    'Ribbit 3 wood.'

    The guy takes out a 3 wood and -- Boom! -- Hole in one.

    The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

    By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

    'OK where to next?' The frog replies,

    'Ribbit Las Vegas.'

    'They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,

    'OK frog, now what?'

    The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

    Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,

    'What do you think I should bet?'

    The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3,000 black 6.'

    Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

    Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

    The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

    He sits the frog down and says,

    'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

    The frog replies, 'Ribbit Kiss Me.'

    He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

    With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

    'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

    The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.
    ***
    There is my Christmas present to all of you (but I'm reaping the reward)!
    ***
    Ooohhh, that hurts BIG time!

    ReplyDelete
  36. A few, difficult brain teasers to contemplate on (should keep us tied up for decades to come!) . . .
    ***
    How Observant Are You?

    http://www.oldjoeblack.0nyx.com/thinktst.swf
    ***
    1:19 clip of 3D Murals by Josh Pugh. One has to see this to believe it!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnO-HBZBYtg
    ***
    2morrow, K?

    ReplyDelete
  37. Off topic, but these are the Top 10 Zionist controlled operations in Canada.

    Canada has not been sold to US interests, it's turned into a fascist state.

    Visit rense.com for further details. Harper will almost certainly get a majority in the next election.

    http://ziofascism.net/blog/2009/12/top-10-zionist-control-in-canada/

    ReplyDelete
  38. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .
    ***
    And then the fight started

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started.
    *****
    My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And then the fight started.
    *****
    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started.
    *****
    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

    So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

    And then the fight started.
    *****
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started.
    *****
    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive, so I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started.
    *****
    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started.
    ***
    Further info. 2morrow!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Following on from yesterday . . .
    ***
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started.
    *****
    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started.
    ***
    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.
    ***
    A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

    She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

    The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

    The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! -- two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

    The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again . . .

    'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

    The wife and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

    So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! -- the husband became 92 years old.

    The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember . . . fairies are female.

    SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH, AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
    ***
    2 B cont'd . . .

    ReplyDelete
  40. How Not To Get Drunk In Saskatchewan . . .
    ***
    Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Estevan, Saskatchewan.

    After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

    After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

    He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.

    A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

    Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

    He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

    At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

    The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over.

    He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.

    This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
    "I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie,
    "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
    ***
    ONLY IN CANADA, EH?

    Swimming with polar bears -- there's a place in the world where children can swim among polar bears.

    Since July 2004, in the little town of Cochrane, northern Ontario, you can visit the Polar Bear Habitat.

    It's a kind of local zoo where people can live the once-in-a-lifetime experience of an outdoor swim with polar bears.

    Of course, the humans are in a different pool, separated from the bears' habitat by just a layer of glass.

    Can you see the water drops now?

    There's a bullet proof, shatterproof glass that's almost 9 cm. thick, because although they're cute, polar bears are among the world's most ferocious carnivores.

    It took 20 years for the Polar Bear Conservation and Education Habitat and
    Heritage Village to get off the ground.

    When it opened it attracted some 11,000 visitors in the first six months.

    You're invited to go and swim with all those bears if you dare!
    ***
    Couldn't post the pix of the kiddies, but it sure is an eye-opener!

    ReplyDelete
  41. On a more serious note . . .
    ***
    The POSITIVE results of "Cash for Clunkers":

    It’s taken 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road . . .
    ***
    Retirement, A Topic Dear To Our Hearts . . .

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

    Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about five minutes.

    When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

    So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
    ***
    Movin' ahead . . .

    ReplyDelete
  42. Happy New Year and all that!

    Now a brain-teaser, an amazingly difficult question to answer (so the answer is provided to spare headaches, etc.):
    ***
    Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "Congratulations!"

    But none of them rub your dick and say, "Well Done!!!"
    ***
    Ooohhhh that was hard, so now for something a little easier . . .

    Paddy was in New York, and was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

    The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

    He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

    After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
    ***
    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

    "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

    "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
    ***
    TTFN!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Greetings From The Great White North! To continue . . .
    ***
    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

    "Just water," says the priest.

    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
    ***
    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one -- just had another fight with the little woman."

    "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

    "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

    "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

    She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
    ***
    This just in:

    Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!
    ***
    Out of interest, now that Climategate has been proven to be a total sham (the planet is getting colder, not warmer) what happens to the Oscar St. Gal of the Oreos won? Some Hollywood types have called on him to return it, but nothing forthcoming.

    And what of Obama's health care bill? It will cost the US economy billions to implement, and NOTHING is guaranteed by it.

    Do I sense the global elite are well on their way to bankrupting the US, Canada and Mexico deliberately?

    Someone somewhere is gonna make a very handsome profit off this, all at others' suffering.

    Way of the world, I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Does anyone here notice that Climate Change, Global Warming, Global Cooling and Global Hoaxing are not the main topics of discussion in the Maritimes and the UK?

    Try a distinct lack of sunspot activity for two years or so, plus the sun itself will have retreated in a few years.

    However, back to the Joke-A-Thong. First is a 41 second clip of resting on a car after jogging. The results vary from erson to person . . .

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS8GNWensHc
    ***
    Neologism Contest

    Once again, we publish the winning submissions to the yearly neologism contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

    The winners are:

    1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

    3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

    6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

    7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

    8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

    13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

    PLUS

    The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

    1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee ntravenously when you are running late.

    7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

    8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

    9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

    12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    And the pick of the literature:

    16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
    ***
    U get the driftwood . . .

    ReplyDelete
  45. Thought I wuz dead and gone, eh? We've been digging out from under two cms. of snow this week, and it was brutal.

    The local whorehouses had to shut up shop, people were taken (in groups) to mental health facilities, as they hadn't seen this much snow in at least a fortnight. Deep and ongoing therapy is required.

    Someone even mentioned the term 'snow shovel', but no one knew what they were talking about.

    Never, ever again. God help us if three or more inches ever falls in one sitting. It would be nothing short of a catastrophy!
    ***
    INTERNET WARNING
    If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Rita McNeil," don't open it . . .

    It contains a nude photo of Rita McNeill.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Back To The Future or Future Shock To The Side (damn I'm smart!) . . .
    ***
    Y'all are gonna luv theses!

    The Perceptions Of Children

    1) NUDITY

    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

    She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

    2) KETCHUP

    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

    'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

    3) MORE NUDITY

    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

    The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

    4) POLICE #1

    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,

    'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

    'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

    5) POLICE #2

    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

    'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied.

    Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

    6) ELDERLY

    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

    She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

    One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

    7) DRESS-UP

    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

    'And why not, darling?'

    'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

    8) DEATH

    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard a prayer being made that nearly made his collar wilt.

    Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

    The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with serious dignity gave his version of what he thought his father always said:

    'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

    (I want this line used at my funeral!)

    9) BIBLE

    A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

    He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

    'Mama , look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'

    With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
    ***
    B bak l8r!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Not really jokes today. Check them out.
    ***
    1926 Snow Tractor

    This is a rare video of an invention that never went very far. Wait until you see the automobile version -- it is all on here.

    1926 Snow Tractor. Talk about ingenuity! This is a 1926 silent film (on video) of a tractor-snow-machine invented by Henry Ford, shown here driving it.

    Watch the whole thing. Note the "hat."

    http://forum.treasurenet.com/index.php/topic,213971.0/topicseen.html>

    http://forum.treasurenet.com/index.php/topic,213971.0/topicseen.html

    Our modern snowmobiles are far better but Henry's machine is pretty clever for the time.
    ***
    Hello, boss, I cannot come in to work today.
    There was a moose born on my front lawn and the mom won't let me out of the house!

    Naubinway, MI, is about 40 miles west of the Mackinaw bridge in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

    Baby Moose 12 Hours Old -- Born in the middle of downtown Naubinway, Michigan.

    In my 33 years in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, I have never seen a new-born baby moose. This one was not even a half mile from our house. The mother picked a small, quiet neighborhood, and had her baby in a front yard just off of US 2, at 5:30 a.m.

    Allen and I were out bike riding when we came upon the pair. The lady across the street from this house told us she saw it being born.

    We saw them at 5:30 PM. So the little one was 12 hours old. What an awesome place we live in to see such a sight.

    Makes it really tough to use your front door!
    ***
    Pity the pix can't be shown. Never mind.

    2mrow!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Slightly wacko today. A redneck Christmas . . .

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6Ht0KXpZ6c&feature=related
    ***
    1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.

    2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way.

    3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
    They Take The Psychopath.

    4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
    You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

    5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
    Dam!

    6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
    Polaroids

    7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
    A Stick

    8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

    9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses.

    10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
    Quatro Cinco.

    11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
    Spoiled Milk.

    12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
    Frostbite.

    13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
    A Nervous Wreck.

    14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
    Anyone Can Roast Beef.

    15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
    Right Where You Left Him.

    16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
    Because They Have Big Fingers .

    17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
    Because It Scares The Dog.

    18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
    Sanka.

    19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
    The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

    20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
    Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

    21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
    A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
    A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

    22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
    ***
    Mercy! Until whenever . . .

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  49. Anna one, anna two (begin music -- Lawrence Welk jamming with Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix!) . . .
    ***
    Old Farmer's Advice:

    Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

    Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

    Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

    A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

    Words that soak into your ears are whispered . . . not yelled.

    Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

    Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

    Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

    It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

    You cannot unsay a cruel word.

    Every path has a few puddles.

    When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

    The best sermons are lived, not preached.

    Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

    Don't judge folks by their relatives.

    Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

    Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

    Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

    Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

    If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

    Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

    The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

    Always drink upstream from the herd.

    Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

    Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

    If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

    Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
    Speak kindly.

    Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

    And some days, all you can do is smile and wait until some kind soul comes to help you out of the mess you've gotten yourself in!
    ***
    . . . l8r, g8ors! . . .

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